Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

Student Who Spent Friday Night in Library Unaware That “These Are the Days”

The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

EVANSTON, IL – Reports from Mudd Library have confirmed that the engineer hard at work this past Friday night has not yet figured out that his college years will, by default, be remembered as the highlight of his youth.  The student is reportedly oblivious to the fact that in 20 years his middle-aged self will frequently reminisce about his years in college, murmuring to himself, “Those were the days,” while he gazes wistfully out the window of his office building.

The aging senior manager will then resignedly sigh as he rests his head on his hand and recalls how he used to toss the ol’ Frisbee with “the guys” on the quad before a weekend of “hittin’ the sauce”, an activity that made up less than .001% of his college career.

Through continued monitoring of the situation, it was confirmed that