EVANSTON, IL — In a shocking revelation that is sure to cause much consternation among the Northwestern student body, President Morty Schapiro released the details of a sweeping investigation into the University’s safeguards against a potential zombie apocalypse and pre-existing emergency procedures. The prognosis? Not good.
One day you're just watching a live Human Sexuality demonstration, and the next, BAM! You're nailing a zombie with a crowbar
In a stern rebuke of Northwestern’s zombie preparedness, the report, provided by the Roosevelt Institute’s chapter Research on Zombie Affairs (or “RZA” for short), disclosed that the University is not only “Dangerously Susceptible” to a potential zombie outbreak, but also remains woefully unprepared to defend itself against hordes of the flesh-devouring walking dead. The 700-page document produced by RZA methodically outlines all of the Northwestern’s potential weaknesses, and suggests methods to better protect the undergraduate population. University officials, however, were quick to address the report.
“I am not at liberty to discuss this matter at the moment,” Dean of Students Burgie Howard said at an emergency press conference this morning, “But rest assured that the Administration is doing everything in its power to protect its students and faculty from vicious humanoid brain-eaters.”
According to the report, much of the concern centers around the basement of Tech, long rumored to be the location of covert government-funded experimentation on flesh re-animation. With relatively few safeguards protecting against the hubris of man, the over-reaching arm of science, or the spread of a zombification pandemic of global proportions, many experts have wondered how Northwestern has gone so long without an outbreak. The RZA’s analysis worries that, in the event that an experiment goes terribly awry and even one zombie leaves the basement of Tech (assuming, of course, that it can navigate its way out, a task that’s hard enough for most sentient liberal arts majors), the premeds and engineers would be too beaten down from their coursework to properly ward off even a relatively mild zombie attack.
With a potential zombie apocalypse under way, the report moves on to question the University’s ability to prevent the proliferation of the walking dead. From Tech, a horde in search of delicious human flesh would have to stumble no more than a few yards to feast in the fraternity quad or SPAC, increasing in size and athleticism as the feeding frenzy continued. A defenseless south campus would quickly fall, leaving the entire metropolis of Chicago (just a short El ride away!) in imminent danger of being consumed by an uncontrolled throng of zombified undergrads with a serious case of the munchies.
Expect to see this taped to sidewalks everywhere
Questions regarding Northwestern’s potential capacity to defend itself have also been raised by the RZA report. With a majority of the student population hailing from suburban Illinois, New York, and California, few undergrads have the proper combat experience or post-apocalyptic survival know-how to withstand a threat of this magnitude. Combined with strict gun-control, hostile Evanston residents, and terrain flatter than a Nebraska wheat field, the school seems cosmically screwed in the event of a zombie outbreak.
The report has left University officials scrambling to respond to the revelations. Anonymous sources have noted that, under the direction of the newly appointed Zombie Defense Minister Evan Watkins, the school is reexamining its current zombie defense strategy, which involves barricading all uninfected students and faculty in the library while food, weapons, and Woody Harrelson are parachuted in to ward off an attack. Proposed revisions to the defense strategy include upgrading from Harrelson to Will Smith, diverting money from the current capital campaign to construct a $2,000,000,000 bunker in the current location of the Norris Student Center, or simply letting President Morty loose on the zombies wielding nothing but a chain saw.
Northwestern has also already begun implementing smaller changes to boost zombie preparedness, naming The Zombie Survival Guide as next year’s One Book, One Northwestern, placing copies of Left for Dead in every dorm, frat, and sorority, and offering flame thrower lessons as Norris Mini-Courses. All students have been issued electronic warnings of the present danger, and have been instructed to shoot any frat brother on sight who claims to be on the prowl for a “warm piece of flesh,” or exhibits any other characteristics of the walking dead, such as uncoordinated shambling, incoherent moaning, or poor hygiene. Student response has been mixed so far.
“Oh my God! OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCKING SWEET BABY JESUS DON’T LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!”
said Weinberg Junior Alison Barnes, before purchasing a double-barreled shotgun off the back of a pickup truck.
But SESP Senior Mike Harding had a different take on the report.
“Zombies are still humans, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just like anybody else. They still have rights, you know,” Harding said. “And you know what? I find the term ‘zombie’ to be grotesquely offensive. My colleagues and I prefer the term ‘the animated deceased’ in polite company.”
Regardless of the fallout from the report, most agree that the best possible mode of action for Northwestern is to recognize the grave threat of a zombie apocalypse occurring right in the midst of our own hallowed grounds, and endorse a strong policy of zombie defense and preparedness.