25 Things You’ll See at the Sherman Ave Fundrager Tonight

1. Drinking.
2. Partying.
3. People dancing.
4. People kissing.
5. A long line to the bathroom.
6. A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
7. A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
8. Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
9. The return of The Zodiac Killer.
10. A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
11. Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
12. A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
13. A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
14. The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
15. Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
16. Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
17. Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
18. Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
19. Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
20. An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
21. Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
22. Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
23. Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
24. A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
25. A damn good time.

2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.