How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably

The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

Best Picture:

• Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

• Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

• Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

• Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

• Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

• Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

• Who Should Win:

12 Realistic Oscar Predictions for This Year

It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.

But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.

1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot.  Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.

2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.

“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

2014 Oscar Nominee Predictions

Best Picture:

(via oscars.org)

The Wolf of Wall Street

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s fuckin’ Scorsese.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Movies involving quaaludes historically do not get nominated for Best Picture (Sorry, Almost Famous, for bringing back bad memories).

Her

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the first movie that has made technology sexy since Bicentennial Man.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Those high-waisted pants.

The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the Citizen Kane of caveman based animated films.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s the only near lock on this list.

42

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy owes it to the number community.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The nominations are announced too close to MLK Day, so it won’t be nominated to avoid confusion between the two African American heroes.

Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: Michael Bay has threatened to give swirlies to every member of The Academy.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season.

R.I.P.D

Could Be Nominated Because: That sweet Macklemore song in the trailer.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Jeff Bridges has exhausted every bit of good will The Academy has given him.

Last Vegas

Could Be Nominated Because: Each of the lead actors gives the best performance of their careers.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Old men are gross.

47 Ronin

Could Be Nominated Because: The trailer looked kind of cool.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s a terrible movie.

Grudge Match

Could Be Nominated Because: Answers the age old questions of “What if they made Rocky Balboa but hilarious?”

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It was written by the guy who created Entourage.

Best Director:

Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy think the famous tough guy actor has resurrected from the dead and directed a film.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Academy found out that it was just some dude and not the famous tough guy actor who has resurrected from the dead.

Michael Bay – Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: See above

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bullying is a huge issue in America.

Tyler Perry – Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s due.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Years of shoving Madea down our throats.

Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders – The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the best movie of the year.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No chance in hell.

Roman Coppola – A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

Could Be Nominated Because: Every decade a new Coppola has to be nominated for Best Director.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Sofia Coppola threw a shit fit when Roman was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, and The Academy does not want that again.

Best Actor:

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally got to see what we wanted all these years: A candle up Leo’s ass.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Not enough cocaine abuse.

Nicolas Cage in The Croods as Grug Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: It was a vocal tour de force.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M

Chadwick Boseman in 42 as Jackie Robinson

Could Be Nominated Because: To anger and confuse 12 Years a Slave fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: All of the voters were big fans of the New York Giants.

Arjun Kapoor in Aurangzeb as Ajay / Vishal

Could Be Nominated Because: I guess he was good.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Full disclosure: We copied and pasted the wrong guy and movie.

Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs

Could Be Nominated Because: The telecast needs to bring in the 17 year old girl with bad taste in men demographic.

Won’t Be Nominated Because:  We’re not 100% sure that Jobs actually was a real movie.

Best Actress:

Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5 as Jody Sanders

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally get to see a good role for a woman.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: There’s no any performance in this film could live up to Anna Faris’ in Scary Movie 4.

Amy Adams in American Hustle as Sydney Prosser

Could Be Nominated Because: All that side boob.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Hey! Pick an accent!

Sandra Bullock in Gravity as Dr. Ryan Stone

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy likes seeing a woman in peril.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Ryan Stone is a boys name.

Sarah Wright in 21 & Over as Nicole

Could Be Nominated Because: She holds her own next to the legend, Miles Teller.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one knew this movie has a woman in it.

Emma Stone in The Croods as Eep Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: The Croods can not be stopped.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617MBLj9MSE

Best Supporting Actor:

RZA in G.I Joe: Retaliation as Blind Master

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy snubbed him for his lived-in performance in Funny People.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Kodak Theatre does not has enough seats for the entire Wu-Tang Clan.

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips as Abduwali Muse

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s a first time nominee who delivered a smashing performance.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Some of the older voters think that he was a real Somali pirate.

Rob Schneider in InAPPropriate Comedy as Psychologist

Could Be Nominated Because: Hollywood needs to keep this comedy legend relevant.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Vince “The ShamWow Guy” directed this movie.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon

Could Be Nominated Because: Many of the voters are huge 30 Seconds to Mars fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: This  movie wasn’t as good as Tootsie

Ryan Reynolds in The Croods as Guy

Could Be Nominated Because: He had a huge year with both R.I.P.D and The Croods being released and critically lauded.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAI67yP1K0

Best Supporting Actress:

Oprah Winfrey in The Butler as Gloria Gaines

Could Be Nominated Because: The middle aged housewife voting block of The Academy is strong.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one gave a shit about this film.

Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor as Ava

Could Be Nominated Because: Bound 2 video

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bound 3 video

June Squibb in Nebraska as Kate Grant

Could Be Nominated Because: She had an affair with the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Cheryl Boone Isaacs

Won’t Be Nominated Because: TMZ reports that Squibb broke it off with Cheryl Boone Isaacs recently due to a “cunnilingus incident.”

Heather Graham in The Hangover Part III as Jade

Could Be Nominated Because: She can finally receive recognition for being the moral center of the Hangover series.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: I’m pretty sure no member of The Academy saw this movie.

C. C. H. Pounder in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones as Madame Dorothea

Could Be Nominated Because: I mean, it’s a pretty funny name to say. Just imagine her name being said during the telecast and try not to chuckle.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: She has yet to reveal what C.C.H means. And until she does SHE WILL WATCH THE OSCAR TELECAST FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Movies of 2013 as Told Through Snapchats

2013 was an amazing year for the movies. Jennifer Lawrence was hotter than ever, and America actually went to see movies about race that weren’t The Help. But instead of recapping this year in some dowdy list form, we thought we’d write a retrospective in the only medium you people seem to know how to communicate with these days: Snapchats.

On Coming to Terms with Seth MacFarlane’s Talent

Two for each of Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts MacFarlane didn’t get to see.

Much of my self-identity is derived from my dislike (nay, hatred) of Seth MacFarlane and his empire.

I’ve spent the better half of my life shouting (literally shouting) at anyone with two ears that Family Guy is, in fact, not funny at all, and if you think so, you probably don’t even understand why Reaganing is such a hysterical concept. Family Guy is not funny; it’s obnoxious. My limited exposure to The Cleveland Show and American Dad produced the same conclusion.

“But Courtney,” you might say, “Why is it so important to you to tear down Seth MacFarlane? Does shitting on his success make you feel better about yourself?” The answer to that question is unequivocally YES. Of COURSE I feel better when I tear down MacFarlane  – the guy is one of the most successful comedians of the modern age, so when I shit on his sense of humor, I’m essentially screaming, “I’M FUNNIER THAN THE MODERN KING OF COMEDY, GUYS!”

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actor Category

Fucking JACKSON gets on the twenty and all I get is the five dollar bill!?

Part 2 of Sherman Ave’s last-minute attempt to spread misinformation on all things Oscars in order to emerge victorious in our Oscar pool.

The 2013 Academy Award category for Best Actor in a Leading Role offers four renowned actors the prestigious opportunity to lose to Daniel Day-Lewis. When the world’s foremost statistical witchdoctor says that DDL has about as much of a chance of losing this Oscar as Obama had of losing Vermont, Joaquin Phoenix might want to pursue other avenues for success. Maybe a rapping career? At least this takes the pressure off George Clooney to lose the Oscar for Best Actor until next year.

Anyway, the nominees to lose to the Last Mohican are:

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Picture

Maybe one day I can make the Academy forget about Gigli.

Oscar weekend is upon us, which means one thing: you have been hearing countless discussions of snubs, cinematography, and numerous people you’ve never heard of before (we’re talking about you, David Gropman – production design leader for Life of Pi). While there is not enough time to explain everything there is to know about the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and everything thing else Oscar-related, we here at Sherman Ave will stop at nothing to provide our blazed loyal readers with a brief guide to the Oscars that may help you to make your own uninformed judgments about this year’s nominees.

A 10 Second Guide to Watching the Daytona 500

Alternatively: Sing “The Wheels on the Car Go Round and Round” for the entire race.

Step One: Do not watch the Daytona 500.

Step Two: If the instructions were unclear and you failed at Step One, try this.

Step Three: Wait for the Oscars.