What Your Favorite (Cheap, Shitty) Beer Says About You

If you’re drinking Old Style, then chances are you’re either too old to operate a computer, or just got ejected from a Cubs game. Either way, this isn’t the blog for you.

It’s that magical time of the year again in Evanston: early March. Nobody has seen the sun in three months, finals are rapidly approaching as all of your friends at other schools gear up for spring break, and it’s so cold that Morty has moved his office to the steam tunnels.

What differentiates March from the rest of winter quarter, you may ask? Baseless hope that spring is right around the corner. Kinda like that scene in Batman where Bane is all like “Yo, this prison is the fucking TITS because being able to see the sun makes bitches go CRAZY.”

May Heinous First-Round Results: PBR Division

Analysts are already comparing Napoleon/Columbus’ surprising defeat to the Bulls’ first-round folding.

Our analysts recap the first-round results of this year’s May Heinous tournament, starting with the Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. After four grueling beer pong matches, the teams of Warhol/Kerouac, Sacagawea/Hannibal, Austen/Hitler, and Darwin/Khomeini advance to the Sweet Sixteen, whose matches will be co-sponsored by Nutella inc. and the tourism bureau of the Syrian Arab Republic.

Now if only Warhol would get off the mescaline.

Napoleon Bonaparte/Christopher Columbus vs. Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Winner: Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Napoleon unsurprisingly opens the game by forcing everyone to pour Stella Artois into chalices rather than using the traditional red solo cup, which offends Warhol’s sense of pop culture. Kerouac calms everyone down, relating the situation to some bizarre story of how he once had sex while driving on Route 66. Columbus is unimpressed. The match begins, and Kerouac easily dominates the competition, despite Warhol’s tendency to suck spectacularly. Kerouac offers to drink Napoleon’s cups for him, saying that his size puts him at a disadvantage. Napoleon yells at him, saying that he’s the average height for his time. Kerouac winks at him. Napoleon’s frustration and sexual tension with Kerouac – in addition to Columbus’s syphilis – clear the way for a Warhol/Kerouac victory.
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

“And make sure your elbow doesn’t cross over the edge of the table.”

Sacagawea/Hannibal vs. General George McClellan/Margaret Sanger
Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal
Despite concerns that her performance would be impaired by the fact that she took three or four dozen drags from the “peace pipe” before the match, Sacagawea carried her team to victory, sinking four out of her first five shots. Hannibal also performed well, aided by the fact that he took the majority of his shots from atop an elephant (a rather peculiar loophole in the IBPF regulations). McClellan was the disappointment of the day; in an interview after the loss, he blamed his “pussy-like qualities” for his inability to make more than three cups. To no one’s surprise, Margaret Sanger was completely useless, making only one measly fucking cup. This six-cup victory should launch Sacagawea and Hannibal into the Sweet Sixteen with considerable momentum.
–Ross Packingham

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. General George Patton/Al Gore
Winner: Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler
Although we here at Sherman Ave were hoping for a Gore-Patton win, popular support was (once again) not enough to help Gore or his partner against Jane Austen and the Dubya of beer pong, otherwise known as Adolf Hitler. (Can you say “inconvenient truth?!?!?” LOLOLOL.) Austen’s aggression was most likely due to Hitler’s warnings against putting themselves in a weak position, as there was “irrefutable” evidence that Gore and Patton had weapons of mass destruction. (No such weapons were ever found). Although Austen and Hitler are advancing to the next round, there is a lingering air of mistrust that may impede future success.
–Krystal

Darwin and Khomeini also intend to compete in this Summer’s Beard Olympics.

Kate Chopin/Idi Amin vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
It was tough to speculate how this match was going to go, but many anticipated a strong showing from the Ugandan dictator. However, Idi Amin screwed the pooch just like he screwed his entire nation. His disappointing performance (paired with Chopin’s refusal to take a behind-the-back shot because it “perpetuates an oppressive and male-dominated society”) cleared the way for Darwin and Khomeini – a surprisingly cohesive team – to a speedy victory by a margin of 6 cups. The Evolutionist and the Revolutionist closed the game out by icing their opponents.
–Ross Packingham

Titanic 3D: The Drinking Game

I guess I'm not the only one who likes to pretend I'm an airplane

As most of you know, Titanic is being released in 3D tonight in theatres across the country. Of course, this makes us wonder: Why? Just why? If I wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio drown in 3 dimensions, I’d just go to sleep, because more often than not that’s what happens in my dreams. Instead of releasing Titanic in 3D, they should have cut the middle-man and just shown a 3-hour clip of James Cameron masturbating onto a thirty-foot high bonfire made from $100 bills and some physical embodiment of artistic integrity. Now don’t get me wrong; Titanic is a great movie. You get to see Kate Winslet’s tits, plus there’s a really cool shipwreck that occurs about halfway through the movie. On top of that, sadistic bastards like me really get a kick out of watching people drown for an hour and a half; watching the second half of Titanic is like visiting a water park in Baton Rouge.

The Titanic may not have been "unsinkable," but your liver is!

Anyway, let’s move to the drinking game. First of all, I feel that it’s important to explain why this movie should be approached with optimal levels of intoxication. In my personal case, it stems from the fact that when this movie was released, I was 5 years old and had 4 older sisters between the ages of 10 and 14. (Read: I have no chance at emotional stability.) Therefore, my house was the epicenter of conversations about how cute Leonardo DiCaprio was. Apparently I was the only member of my household who thought he looked like an effeminate little bitch in Titanic. But for those of us who were raised in households that weren’t conducive to self-loathing and an acute awareness of menstrual cycles, there are still reasons to flood your liver during this movie. For one thing, it’s super intellectual to draw a parallel between Jack drowning in the North Atlantic and you drowning in a pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Furthermore, if you’re going to spend the money to see this movie again – and by so doing, put more money into the douche-infested pockets of James Cameron – you might as well go all out. As an unfriendly and time-constrained hooker once said to me: Go hard or go home.

So, without further ado, here is the Titanic 3D drinking game. However, because of the uniqueness and importance of this movie, I have devised a drinking game for a few different scenarios in which you might be seeing it.

You’re seeing it with a group of friends: This experience should be made as heinous as humanly possible. I would actually suggest pregaming very heavily, being inappropriately drunk for the first half of the movie, and then starting to drink again during the second half to replenish. Here are some good rules for the second half of the movie:
• Drink every time someone gets in a lifeboat
• Drink every time someone drowns
• Drink every time Jack and Rose look at each other
• Drink every time you think the movie’s almost over and you’re wrong
• Waterfall for as long as the string quarter plays

"You told me you would stop masturbating at the movies..."

You’re seeing it with your girlfriend/wife: Chances are you’re being dragged along to this against your will. In that case, it may not be advisable to get too smashed, or else you’ll have to deal with all that angry girlfriend shit; “You always get drunk on our dates,” “You wouldn’t sacrifice yourself so I could have a spot on the lifeboat if we were on The Titanic,” etc. Steer clear of this whole shitfest but only getting somewhat drunk. Here are the proper rules to only achieve a partial level of inebriation:
• Drink every time Rose’s fiancée is a total sack of dicks
• Drink every time the Titanic hits an iceberg
• Drink every time women and children are given preferential treatment
• Drink every time young Rose gives you an erection and old Rose subsequently makes it go away forever

You’re seeing it alone: Waterfall from the part where it says “20th Century Fox” to the closing credits. You need it.