25 Things You’ll See at the Sherman Ave Fundrager Tonight

1. Drinking.
2. Partying.
3. People dancing.
4. People kissing.
5. A long line to the bathroom.
6. A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
7. A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
8. Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
9. The return of The Zodiac Killer.
10. A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
11. Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
12. A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
13. A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
14. The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
15. Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
16. Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
17. Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
18. Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
19. Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
20. An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
21. Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
22. Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
23. Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
24. A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
25. A damn good time.

A Message to the Northwestern Student on Finals’ Week

Halfway through a shot of Everclear, I stared into the abyss of a party and watched as a group of stressed, overworked students went balls-to-the-wall for one last Saturday night before bunkering down the next day to study for finals.

It was a curious night. Yes, there were some couples dabbling in the art of rigorous over-the-pants hand jobs on the dance floor. Yes, there was a girl who

10 Totally Safe Remarks to Make on Super Bowl Sunday if You Don’t Know Shit about Football

The Super Bowl is on Sunday.  This is a big game if you like football.  If you don’t know what football is, or you got invited to a Super Bowl Party by some guy/girl you’re crushing on, or if you wake up from a nap on Sunday to find a crowd has gathered around you to watch “the game,” here are a few things you can say to create the illusion that you are aware of/interested in what’s going on:

“Sports! Throwing! Touchdown! YEAHHH!” (via Youtube)

5 African Warlords Who Would Be Really Good at Running Nightclubs

Idi Amin

You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

Nicknamed “The Butcher” after leading a 1971 military coup in Uganda resulting in the deaths of millions of people, Idi exemplifies what it means to take charge and get the job done. The bar needs to be restocked? Idi’s got it. Rowdy guests? Don’t worry, Idi’s army can handle it. Need to reclaim parts of Kenya and Sudan to build that outdoor pool-strip club hybrid? Idi is your man. The warlord ended up deposed and exiled to Saudi Arabia, the world’s party capital, ensuring that “Brodi” could continue using his ruthless genocidal tendencies to make sure that only the coolest people are left in the club.

How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

“College is Sick” says Northwestern Freshman to State School Friends

“Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!”

While other students his age had been frequenting the many local bars their college towns had to offer and sucking shots of Heritage off the flat, pierced stomachs of their peers for a month, Northwestern Freshman Kyle Henderson had been biding his time, Facebook-stalking them all until September 16^th.

Once he had marched through the Arch and hung up his John Belushi “Animal House” poster in his Bobb dorm room, Henderson was ready to “rage” like a college kid and even more ready to

9 Excellent Things to Use After You’ve Run out of Chaser

Along with Jameson, gummy vitamins will provide you with enough sustenance to last a fortnight.

If you’ve ever been to a college party, you are probably uncomfortably familiar with the sinking feeling associated with an improper ratio of mixers to alcohol. At Sherman Ave parties, we then resort to chasing with our own heinousness. But that’s pretty advanced and I don’t recommend it. So, instead of you running out to 7-Eleven and endangering the lives of others, allow me to help you help yourself. Let’s get weird.

1. Gummy vitamins

THIS WORKS. These nutrient-rich gelatinous delights immediately cut the burn of cheap vodka. Bonus: if they contain B-vitamins, they may actually help prevent a hangover. PREMED.

How to Tell People You’re a Writer (Without Telling Them Anything)

If you’re anything like me, making small talk with strangers is high on your list of least favorite things, just below unpacking groceries and losing a limb. Most people don’t have a lot of trouble making meaningless chit-chat, but then again, most people aren’t socially anxious writers like myself. Even if I wasn’t socially anxious, I’d still be a writer, and therein lies the crux of my small-talk impairment.

Say you’re at a party, bar, or a very boring orgy and someone asks you, “What do you do?” Most of the time the questioner is trying to determine how you make a living, your hobbies, interests, etcetera. Most people can reply with, “I’m a teacher,” “I work for a PR firm,” or “I find money on the ground.” Any of these and countless other responses are perfectly acceptable, and will barely create a blip on the questioner’s conversational radar. However, when writers answer this question, the questioner’s nostrils expand, their pupils dilate, and in some cases, salivation has been known to occur; in short, they smell easy conversational prey, and are ready to put you (the writer) on the defensive.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Living in Bobb

Not pictured: Gameday Morning Shots

HEY PARTY PEOPLE! For all the Wildkittens lucky enough to see “Bobb” or “McCulloch” on their housing assignment: congratulations and welcum to the good life.

Every freshman experiences a whirlwind of emotions when they get their housing assignment (Ayers CCI? Well that’s some shit). Regardless of whether or not you wanted to live in Bobb, you’re probably familiar with its reputation. So now you’re pissing yourself with excitement or fear. Or both.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Use Facebook for Newly Admitted College Students

She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

So you just got accepted into your dream college, or your “best fit school,” or your safety school, or the University of Chicago – congratulations! Now that you’ve gotten past this difficult step, there’s only one thing you have to remember: Every single person from these schools’ Facebook groups is watching your every move.

Yes, once you join “___________ University’s Class of 2017” Facebook group, there will be thousands of people going through your past, current, and future Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (yeah, they find it), and Adult FriendFinder posts and pictures. In order to help you navigate this frightening new world, Sherman Ave has compiled a list of dos and don’ts that will provide some insight into how to act in the strange world of stalking.

Disclaimer: Sherman Ave cannot legally promise that these suggestions will help.