An Open Letter to the Main Library Facilities Management

Hey guys,

Let me start out by saying that I know y’all have a tough job. I get it, homies. Main Library is a large, confusing building and also one of the ugliest things ever conceived by the human mind. And, as far as I can tell, the facilities management staff has zero employees. So I understand that you have kind of a tall mountain to climb in your quest to, you know, do your job.

But Jesus CHRIST guys. I don’t know that I’ve been witness to so much rampant incompetence and obvious lack of hustle since I saw JerShon Cobb wearing a “Lazy but Talented” shirt in Plex dining hall[1]. And I think maybe we need to talk about it.

71 Things That Make PTI’s Day

You know who she is: PTI is one of the most recognizable administrators on campus. But do you know what really makes her tick? Why she gets up in the morning? How she works up the energy to kick you off campus for sneezing in discussion section?

Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Demetri Elias

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Packingham: How do you spell your last name?

Demetri: E-L-I-A-S. Elias.

Packingham: Okay, and how do you spell your mother’s maiden name?

Demetri: Pravata. P-R-A-V-A-T-A.

Packingham: And what are you studying?

Demetri: Archaeology and history major and I have a classical studies minor.

Packingham: When did you discover your passion for classical studies?

Demetri: Well, I’ve always wanted to do history, ever since lower school, I’ve really just enjoyed history as a subject. But then I took a gap year and I traveled and I was doing community service for a year and it was awesome. I went all around, it was a super cool experience, I was like coaching soccer in Ghana, I was in Greece working with sea turtles living on the beach, I was outside a lot and doing a lot of hands-on work, and I realized I wanted some sort of job that I could be outside with, so that’s where archaeology came in the picture. Because I wanted to do something historical but be outside and hands-on. And then classics, a lot of distros come from the classics department.

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Savannah Enders

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Evander Jones: Some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t accurately reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there’s dissent among your potential subjects. Would you rule the Homecoming Court like Chief Justice Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the hardwood court?

Savannah Enders: I’ll say

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Gaurav Kikani

Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions in order to better prepare NU students for the most important election of the next 15 days. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Evander Jones: Just to start things off with, some people say that Homecoming Court is a meaningless popularity contest that doesn’t accurately reflect the student body. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there may be dissent among your potential subjects.

Gaurav Kikani: Sure, thanks. I really appreciate that.

Evander: Now that we got that out of the way, if you were elected would you rule the Homecoming Court like John Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the Homecoming Court? 

Gaurav: I’d probably be Roberts on the Supreme Court. You know, LeBron is kind of a beast, but he’s a bit of a diva, and I don’t see myself as much of a diva as he is.

Evander: Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?

Gaurav: You.

Evander: I’m so sorry. 

Gaurav: You know, absolutely. The warmth of your body right now on this crisp Fall day is really warming me up. I can take off this jacket right now, actually, if you’d like. We need more of you around.

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Will Ritter

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Evander Jones: Some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t properly reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there is dissent among your potential subjects. So, herpes or chlamydia? Choose wisely.

Will Ritter: Herpes.

Evander: Why?

Will: It has its ups and its down.

Evander: I like that. Your answer, not herpes. Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?

Will: You.

Evander: Thank you. Would you rather rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court or LeBron James on the basketball court? 

Will: Probably like LeBron.

“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.