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Tag Archives: Paul Ryan

11 Things I’d Do For a Klondike Bar

15 Aug

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I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.

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A Guide to the Top Celebrities Endorsements for Mitt Romney

5 Nov

If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne.  Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land.  As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:

Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.

Cady: I wouldn’t?

Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents.  Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.

As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision.  The results were shocking.  I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG.  Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:

Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?

Lindsay Lohan

My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.”  Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!!  Wait, what’s that?  She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)?  Nope, that can’t be it.  THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!

Chuck Norris

The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.”  I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back.  Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!

Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?

Meat Loaf

From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work.  Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift.  I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’  I have never heard such a thing in my life.”  Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??

Kid Rock

Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).

Jenna Jameson

Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”  There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself.  Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite?  Ok done now.

As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year.  When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America.  When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind.  They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America.  And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted.  He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support.  Now go forth and vote, America.  You do NOT want to let any of these stars down.  Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life.  Seriously someone help her.

-Charleston Nippleberry

A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

4 Nov

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]


[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

The Sherman Ave 2012 VP Debate Drinking Game

10 Oct

If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself.

So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”

Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.

Power hour if they make out.

It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.

See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.

Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:

Take a sip if…

When he heard the debate would be on ABC, Paul Ryan thought it meant a different “ABC”

  • Paul Ryan discusses Medicare or entitlements (that means Social Security or Medicaid too, you fucking engineers).
  • Joe Biden mentions his upbringing (that means childhood, you goddamn pre-meds).
  • Moderator Martha Raddatz manages to effectively end discussion of a topic when time expires ONE FUCKING TIME.
  • Biden gives Obama credit for the fact that GM is alive but Osama bin Laden is now one of the dead people.
  • Paul Ryan blatantly contradicts himself (that means on the Simpson-Bowles debt commission plan, saving $716 billion in Medicare from overhead costs, rape exceptions on abortion, or like half of the shit Mitt Romney says he kind of supports but might not if other people don’t like it).
  • Biden says “consecutive months of job growth,” “5.1 million new jobs,” or “7.8% unemployment.”
  • Ryan says “fiscal responsibility,” “failure” or “Nancy Pelosi.” Three sips if he cannot bring himself to say Pelosi’s name.
  • Biden forgets someone’s name, gets a date wrong, doesn’t realize he was asked a question, asks Ryan to get him some coffee, makes a joke about “a cup of Joe for Joe” after he asks Ryan for coffee, asks if he’s president yet, or reverts to talking about his wife because he can’t remember what the question was.

Take a gulp if…

  • The moderator challenges Ryan to substantiate a claim.
  • Ryan leaves Biden crying on his podium and asking if he may leave now.
  • Biden forgets to wear a shirt.
  • Ryan “forgets” to wear a shirt and starts rubbing his abs at the camera.
  • Biden openly flirts with Raddatz.
  • Ryan name drops Janesville, Wisconsin.
  • Biden name drops Scranton, Pennsylvania.
  • Biden and Ryan have a fistfight over whose blue-collar upbringing was tougher.
  • Ryan mentions Ayn Rand.
  • Biden says “you were a lot more ladylike in our last debate.”
  • Ryan uses words that Biden doesn’t understand.
  • Ryan says the middle class has been “buried” the last four years. Two gulps if he credits Biden with coming up with the line.
  • Either candidate uses a clearly pre-prepared zinger.

Finish your drink if…

Big Bird jokes are NEVER gonna get old, rite??

  • Obama comes onstage to redeem himself.
  • Bill Clinton comes onstage and euthanizes Biden.
  • Ryan announces his 2016 candidacy.
  • Biden points out that it was rude of Ryan not to ask if he could call him Joe.
  • Ryan messes up an answer and just yells, “Yeah, well this bitch invited Obama to her wedding she probably like loves him or something I bet she kept an old Kleenex of his and is gonna do some weird African voodoo on it to make him like her.” Word for word.
  • Big Bird eats Ryan alive on national television.
  • The handshake at the end of the debate lasts more than 3.5 seconds.

*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.

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The Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game

23 Aug

Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week,  it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.

It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.

So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:

“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”

1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.

2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.

3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.

4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.

5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.

6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board

7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.

8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.

9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.

10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.

11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.

If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.

12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __

13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.

UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!

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To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.

Romney pins Ryan down, cuts his hair

13 Aug

Romney and Ryan after the hair-chopping incident.

In an awkward moment in the presidential race on Saturday, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was seen holding down GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and cutting Ryan’s hair off.

The episode, captured exclusively by TMZ obvi, is reminiscent of an earlier hold-down-and-cut-hair episode in Romney’s life that is weirdly the most personable memory anyone seems to have of the former Massachusetts’s governor.

As Romney and Ryan were leaving the deck of the USS Wisconsin Saturday, shortly after Romney introduced Ryan as the veep pick, a woman appeared to shout to Ryan that she thought his hair was better than Romney’s. Romney proclaimed himself to be “flabbergasted” before adding “Gee whiz, these yellow-bellied knuckleheads have some silly ideas in their noggins!”

It was at this point that Romney grew visibly agitated and stroked his hair enviously.

“He can’t look better than me. That’s wrong. Just look at me!” an incensed Romney told his very close friend Ann Romney, according to TMZ’s recollection.

Romney then grabbed his handy-dandy safety scissors from his pocket, removed the rubber band that keeps the blade closed, and slipped off the plastic covering he uses to keep the blades from giving him “a big old poke.” Pouncing on Ryan, Romney unleashed a torrent of insults, including “pinko hair fascist,” “working class poor person,” and “big poopy face.”

And don’t you EVER question my hair again

By the time Romney regained his composure, Ryan’s once luscious locks were completely obliterated.

“Well, if my logarithm relating the flowing nature of hair follicles to the probability of electoral success holds true– as it did under Herbert Hoover– I think we can assume that your actions have done statistically significant damage to our chances over the next 88 days,” Ryan said. Romney reportedly blinked in return.

For the Republican ticket, the new hairlessness of Ryan poses a series of unique challenges. Political experts say a new ad out from a pro-Obama Super PAC linking Romney to male pattern baldness will be particularly potent in light of these revelations. Allegations that Bain capital bought out a wig company will likely also reenter the national discussion and could hurt Romney with the key “weird uncles whose eyebrows are different colors from their hair but totally don’t wear a wig so shut up” demographic.

The Obama campaign was quick to release a statement on the incident, noting that, “Romney failed to release his tax returns while he violently held down his running mate and returned to the Bush-era hair chopping policies.”

Romney attempted to explain away the incident to media later in the day by noting that he has previously been in favor of not cutting people’s hair off without consent and, after careful deliberations with his circle of advisers, he has had another epiphany and decided to return to that position.

“On the state level, I think that hair cutting is a good idea,” Romney said. “But states are really a hair-chopping laboratory. There’s no reason to think that I would support it on a national level unless everyone else does.”

Ryan quickly released a controversial budget for his hair plugs, which he would pay for by massively reducing student financial aid, cutting cancer screenings and ending Medicare. Ryan reportedly giggled when a senior citizen asked how she would afford her medication now, making him the first member of the Romney-Ryan ticket to genuinely laugh ever.

ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates

12 Aug

Sexxi can I?

After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.

Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.

A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.

Vet this, bitch.

Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.

Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.

Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.

Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.

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*Bill Clinton sex.