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I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.
If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne. Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land. As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:
Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.
Cady: I wouldn’t?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents. Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.
As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision. The results were shocking. I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG. Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:
Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?
Lindsay Lohan
My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.” Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!! Wait, what’s that? She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)? Nope, that can’t be it. THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!
Chuck Norris
The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.” I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back. Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!
Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?
Meat Loaf
From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work. Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift. I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.” Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??
Kid Rock
Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).
Jenna Jameson
Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.” There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself. Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite? Ok done now.
As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year. When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America. When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind. They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America. And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted. He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support. Now go forth and vote, America. You do NOT want to let any of these stars down. Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life. Seriously someone help her.
-Charleston Nippleberry
Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.
Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.” Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.
If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.
Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?
Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III
Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten
How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it
Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch
Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).
College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).
Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.
Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.
Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.
Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*
Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.
Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.
Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.
Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.
Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit that is Obamacare.
ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ
*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]
[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia
If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself.
So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”
Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.
Power hour if they make out.
It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.
See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.
Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:
Take a sip if…
When he heard the debate would be on ABC, Paul Ryan thought it meant a different “ABC”
Take a gulp if…
Finish your drink if…
Big Bird jokes are NEVER gonna get old, rite??
*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.
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Hey Wildcat’s! It’s the fourth quarter. It’s time to finish! So let’s put your hands up in the air while we try and figure out what the hell this song is about!
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Danzel begins his anthem with an imperative. More command than mere request, Wildcat fans are instructed to throw their hands up in the air to start the fourth quarter off right with a communal movement that celebrates the fleeting temporal relationship between a television timeout and the Northwestern secondary’s imminent collapse.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
A reiteration of Danzel’s requisition, harkening back to the initial invocation presented to fans through the luminous jumbotron specter at Ryan Field. There are only so many permutations with which one can raise one’s hands up in the air, but such trifles are not of concern to men like Danzel or Kain Colter.
16x: Air
Bridging the gap between the transcendent heavens and the solid gridiron where mortals run the spread is air — surrounding us, within us, throughout us — air, the wind modern man has breathed for longer than approximately 3,174.60 NU bowl droughts. Like Pat Fitzgerald, we return to the essence that begot us with arms open wide to the infinite blue beyond.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
God, I could just do this shit all motherfucking day.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Are they flashing WNBA scores up on the scoreboard? Oh wait, that’s just the Indiana final.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Danzel utilizes repetition to depict the subtle interplay between the verticality of your limbs and your levels of ampitude. This is a complex relationship that the 20,000 or so Nebraska fans in the stadium will never quite appreciate.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Were the rights to Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” really that expensive?
Yo party people come out sayin’ yeah
Party people come out sayin’ yeah
Danzel rapidly changes perspectives, venturing into the mind of party people. Although a bold display of empathy, I have to admit that when party people normally come out to my ragers, they normally say things like “Oh, you were serious about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory theme?” or “Man, it’s been such a long time since I’ve drank anything cheaper than Sköl!” Maybe Belgian party people just rage a little… differently than we do here.
Feel the vibe
And it’s gettin’ stronger
After setting up his song with repeated exposition viz a viz our hands in the air, Danzel announces his intention to delve into the atmosphere he and his audience have mutually created, expounding upon the aura, or “vibe,” that his beats have created within Ryan Field.
Feel the vibe
And it’s gettin’ stronger
Taken out of context, this line sounds exactly as stupid and/or sexual as it does within the context of this song.
GET THOSE HANDS UP IN THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR!!!
Party people come out, come out..
yo, Dj turn it on
LET’S GO ROUND TWO!!!
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Oh God. There are only so many times I can put my hands up in the air… I think my forearms are more sore than Monica Lewinsky’s in the Oval Office. Must. Keep. Getting. Pumped.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
A bit of biographical information on Danzel. Born “Johan Waem,” the musician broke out of a perpetual cycle of chocolate addiction in the waffle house slums of Antwerp that plagues so many other young Belgians with his deep passion for house, techno, dance music, and getting you PUMPED for the fourth quarter of football games.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Surprisingly, this song peaked at Number 6 in the UK Dance Charts in 2005 but never garnered much interest anywhere else. How the hell it became an NU tradition is anyone’s guess.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Speaking of which, can something really be a “tradition” if it was instituted less than two years after we elected our current president? Looking at you, March Through the Arch.
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
Danzel takes a quick break from pumping you up, providing ample time for the jumbotron to display pre-meds dancing more awkwardly than Mitt Romney at a RZA show.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
What Northwestern lacks in terms of facilities, season-ticket holders, or a pass rushing attack, it more than makes up for with its fan base’s threatening ability to raise its hands up in the air for extended periods of time.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
GET SOME, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH DAKOTA!!! Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
I assume this is also what House Republicans said when they held the government hostage this spring. On an unrelated note: I bet love to see Paul Ryan play running back. The dude makes social welfare cuts quicker than Venric Mark on a kick return.
Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
The strength of Danzel’s mantra lies in its specific spatial reference point. The bard is imploring his audience to place their hands — one of the most essential tools of the human body — in the very oxygen we breathe, interweaving the supple protoplasm of man with the zephyrous troposphere that sustains us.
[FADEOUT]
Wildcat fans are led to believe that Danzel’s jam will continue ad nauseam, a never ending ode to the power of triumphantly raising one’s hands in the air into perpetuity in order to raise stokeage levels at Ryan Field to near illegal levels in Evanston.
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Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week, it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.
It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.
So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:
“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”
1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.
2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.
3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.
4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.
5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.
6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.
Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board
7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.
8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.
9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.
10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.
11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.
If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.
12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.
UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!
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To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.
Romney and Ryan after the hair-chopping incident.
In an awkward moment in the presidential race on Saturday, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was seen holding down GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and cutting Ryan’s hair off.
The episode, captured exclusively by TMZ obvi, is reminiscent of an earlier hold-down-and-cut-hair episode in Romney’s life that is weirdly the most personable memory anyone seems to have of the former Massachusetts’s governor.
As Romney and Ryan were leaving the deck of the USS Wisconsin Saturday, shortly after Romney introduced Ryan as the veep pick, a woman appeared to shout to Ryan that she thought his hair was better than Romney’s. Romney proclaimed himself to be “flabbergasted” before adding “Gee whiz, these yellow-bellied knuckleheads have some silly ideas in their noggins!”
It was at this point that Romney grew visibly agitated and stroked his hair enviously.
“He can’t look better than me. That’s wrong. Just look at me!” an incensed Romney told his very close friend Ann Romney, according to TMZ’s recollection.
Romney then grabbed his handy-dandy safety scissors from his pocket, removed the rubber band that keeps the blade closed, and slipped off the plastic covering he uses to keep the blades from giving him “a big old poke.” Pouncing on Ryan, Romney unleashed a torrent of insults, including “pinko hair fascist,” “working class poor person,” and “big poopy face.”
And don’t you EVER question my hair again
By the time Romney regained his composure, Ryan’s once luscious locks were completely obliterated.
“Well, if my logarithm relating the flowing nature of hair follicles to the probability of electoral success holds true– as it did under Herbert Hoover– I think we can assume that your actions have done statistically significant damage to our chances over the next 88 days,” Ryan said. Romney reportedly blinked in return.
For the Republican ticket, the new hairlessness of Ryan poses a series of unique challenges. Political experts say a new ad out from a pro-Obama Super PAC linking Romney to male pattern baldness will be particularly potent in light of these revelations. Allegations that Bain capital bought out a wig company will likely also reenter the national discussion and could hurt Romney with the key “weird uncles whose eyebrows are different colors from their hair but totally don’t wear a wig so shut up” demographic.
The Obama campaign was quick to release a statement on the incident, noting that, “Romney failed to release his tax returns while he violently held down his running mate and returned to the Bush-era hair chopping policies.”
Romney attempted to explain away the incident to media later in the day by noting that he has previously been in favor of not cutting people’s hair off without consent and, after careful deliberations with his circle of advisers, he has had another epiphany and decided to return to that position.
“On the state level, I think that hair cutting is a good idea,” Romney said. “But states are really a hair-chopping laboratory. There’s no reason to think that I would support it on a national level unless everyone else does.”
Ryan quickly released a controversial budget for his hair plugs, which he would pay for by massively reducing student financial aid, cutting cancer screenings and ending Medicare. Ryan reportedly giggled when a senior citizen asked how she would afford her medication now, making him the first member of the Romney-Ryan ticket to genuinely laugh ever.
Sexxi can I?
After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.
Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.
A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.
Vet this, bitch.
Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.
Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.
Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.
Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.
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*Bill Clinton sex.
Sherman Ave 
