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Tag Archives: PBR

Your Comprehensive and Completely Unbiased Guide to the Emmys

22 Sep
It's like the Oscars, but with slightly less Billy Crystal.

It’s like the Oscars, but with slightly less Billy Crystal.

If you’re anything like me, or any other person in a first world country, then you spend 90% of your preallocated social time binge-watching TV. Whether it’s through your roommate’s Netflix account that you’ve secretly been using for months (sorry Charleston Nippleberry), or maybe you’re one of those high rollers who can afford to pay for Comcast AND booze, you will make sure to get your daily fix.

The Emmys are like high school senior superlatives; everyone pretends they don’t matter, but they’re thrilled to tears when they get one (#MostLikelyToBeOnCopsClassOf2010). You could plop yourself down on the couch and watch the Emmys live, but let’s be real: ain’t nobody got time for that. Sunday nights are reserved for clearing the empty PBR cans from your apartment and trying to find creative ways to cover your new hickey before work the next day. So don’t bother DVRing it, you can find the condensed version of the probable outcomes below.

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10 Special Skills You Might Have But Shouldn’t Put On Your Résumé

7 Mar
That's not to say there's anything wrong with not having a gag reflex.

That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with not having a gag reflex.

1.  I have no gag reflex.  Sorry, but this skill will really only work in your favor in a few career paths.  One of those is in Quality Control for Chiquita.  The other is in the adult entertainment industry.  Potential third option: presidential aide circa 1997.

2.  I can complete the Flags Of The World quiz on Sporcle.  Congratulations, you might have a photographic memory.  Your career options are as follows:  Become Monk, become Professor Charles Xavier, or become Rain Man.  Maybe if you’re lucky, Washington D.C. will lose power for eternity and you can get a part-time job working 5 hours a year at the State Department.

3.  I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.  WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  YOU’RE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!  You have an unusually capable tongue.  So does my Basset Hound.  You should apply to be a Basset Hound! Continue reading

What Your Favorite (Cheap, Shitty) Beer Says About You

4 Mar
If you're drinking Old Style, then chances are you're either too old to operate a computer, or just got ejected from a Cubs game. Either way, this isn't the blog for you.

If you’re drinking Old Style, then chances are you’re either too old to operate a computer, or just got ejected from a Cubs game. Either way, this isn’t the blog for you.

It’s that magical time of the year again in Evanston: early March. Nobody has seen the sun in three months, finals are rapidly approaching as all of your friends at other schools gear up for spring break, and it’s so cold that Morty has moved his office to the steam tunnels.

What differentiates March from the rest of winter quarter, you may ask? Baseless hope that spring is right around the corner. Kinda like that scene in Batman where Bane is all like “Yo, this prison is the fucking TITS because being able to see the sun makes bitches go CRAZY.”

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The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

21 Feb
Sometimes, one PBR just isn't enough for a night in the stacks.

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

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Stop Taking Pictures of Your Food

3 Dec
FOR THE SEXTING

Next time, use snapchat

We need to get one thing straight: I don’t give a flying fuck about what you ate for dinner last night. Or a regular fuck, for that matter. So I don’t—repeat, DO NOT—want to see any more pictures of your goddamn food on my newsfeed.

That means you, study-abroaders. Oooh, look at you and your curry. Guess what, you puff of spicy flatulence? I can get delectable mostly-authentic cuisine delivered to the cozy warmth of the sorority house. You had to go to Europe. I’m sorry— who’s winning here?

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The Perfect Shower Beer Playlist

9 Nov

It’s a Wednesday night, you got a 31 on your midterm, and you just remembered that your landlord pays your water bill. Sounds like it’s time for a shower beer! If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a cold beer in a hot, steamy shower yet, have no fear! I’ll walk you through it. But before you get all lathered up, there are three things you’ll need:

1. Beer. Although shot gunning a can of Busch Light may be a great way to impress the ladiez, it isn’t a shower beer. Try something that doesn’t taste like piss water.

2. A place to put your beer to keep it shampoo-free.

Holds your beer, so you don’t have to!

3. This playlist*

LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It

Who doesn’t feel sexy dripping wet and slightly buzzed? It’s time to DANCE!**

Adele – Someone Like You

Use any excuse to belt this song at the top of your lungs. Plus, the acoustics in the bathroom are pretty great

OutKast – Hey Ya

Throwbacks are 259% better while drunk. So are emotional rollercoasters brought on by listening to this immediately after Adele.

Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Remember that emotional rollercoaster I was talking about?

Macklemore – Thrift Shop

So I’m a little obsessed with this song right now (who isn’t?) and it gives me an excuse to practice my sexy bass singing voice (I don’t care if biology says girls can’t sing that low, someday I will sing bass!)

Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA

No playlist is complete without a song about America. And this one is just so damn catchy…

Rose Royce – Car Wash

Car wash, face wash…same thing

Katy Perry – Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)

The perfect combination of funny and sexy: you can sing the words you know and dance to the ones you don’t.

Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

Everyone else may be sick of this song, but I know all the words, and I love singing it in the shower. Pro tip: beer bottles make excellent microphones.

The Police – Roxanne

You know the game where half the room drinks every time they say “Roxanne” and the other half drinks whenever they say “put on the red light”? This is the same, except you are both teams. If you haven’t finished your beer yet (it’s OK if it’s your second…or fourth), bottoms up!

That’s it! Now go grab a PBR and some coconut body wash.

-Tabitha McHunter

*This is by no means a good combination of songs and should not be taken as such

**Sherman Ave is not responsible for any injuries incurred while dancing in the shower.

No Shave November: A Beginner’s Guide to the Weeks Ahead

8 Nov

That’s why his beard’s so big: It’s full of secrets!

My fellow countrymen, we find ourselves one week into an historic month.  The leaves are changing colors.  Birds are flying south for the winter.  Daylight Savings Time has happened, making it that much harder to stay up for Barry “Fuck You” Obama’s acceptance speech.

But let us not forget the true significance of this 11th month of 2012.  The chance, once again, to participate in No Shave November.

For the unfamiliar, No Shave November may sound like a feminist pin-up girl’s name.  Rather, it is a masculine tradition, the rules of which are contained in the name itself.  Don’t shave your grill for a month, enter into a sacred brotherhood.  Simple, yet profound.

For those who have never dabbled in the Facial Arts before, but like me, have begun the journey this month, I offer up a forecast of the weeks to come:

Days 1-7: We’re past these.  The first four days were probably kinda normal, unless you’re some sort of lumberjack-showoff like my roommate, who can grow a beard in less time than it takes a second-semester senior to shotgun a PBR.  I don’t really think these motherfuckers should even be allowed to participate in Manvember.  I mean, what are they even tryna prove?  But I digress.

For normally-equipped gentlemen, this week serves as an easy transition into the burlier stages ahead.  Peach fuzz turns to peach scuzz, and the plot thickens.

Days 8-14: The pace has begun to pick up.  You will survive the terrible “child molester/vagabond-whispy-upper-lip-stache” phase and move into the “It’s-possible-that-man-may-be-a-convict-but-I-just-can’t-look-away” phase.

The winds of fortune are swift, my friends.  And with their change comes much attention from the honeys.  Depending on the distribution of your beard-strings, you might want to consider some Neck Beard Trimming.  Some people consider this against the rules.  If that’s how you feel, A) go cry about it, B) maybe buy some turtlenecks or something.

Days 15-21: By this point, you’ve probably got a full-on beard (if you don’t, my bad, bro).  Have you begun to style it? Gel or moustache wax, perhaps?  Maybe you finally got that promotion you’ve been waiting on.  If you’ve never rocked the beard before, this could be a whole new world.  Just don’t let the glamour and glitz pull you in.  Remember: at the end of the month, you’re going to have to make a choice.  Back to Shaving Business As Usual, or continue on down the Road of Awesomeness and Chin Stroking?

Days 22-28: You may notice during this time that you gravitate towards more flannel.  Your diet shifts to consisting mostly of flapjacks, hotcakes, or griddlecakes, or some combination of the three.  You’ve taken to catching yourself in the mirror, just to look yourself in the eye and say, “Damn, that’s one mean mug you’re rocking, pard’ner.”  You have given up on contemporary music, preferring instead to listen to a shitty 3-song mix you made of ZZ Top songs (“Sharp Dressed Man,” “Cheap Sunglasses,” “La Grange” I think is the third one).  The beard has transcended being merely a facial adornment and settled as the key identifier of your personality.

If you grow it, the biddies will come.

Days 29 & 30: Did you remember to take a before picture?  ‘Cause you can take a sweet after picture and be a Facebook hero for a day.  All your friends will see the true gentleman you have Digivolved into.  An upstanding citizen, resplendent, brawny, and smelling strongly of cedar and tanning oil.

Speaking of FB, you have started a group called “I Ain’t Lose My Phone But I Got So Many Lady’s Numbers I Need To Start Giving Them Away.”  You are the only member.

Your responses are exclusively monosyllabic and often nothing more than grunts.

Former acquaintances who might’ve once viewed you as scrawny now pass your name along to their friends who need help moving.  “I’m pretty sure he can bench like, 130,” they’ve been heard saying.

You finish every tweet with “#sosayeththebeard.”

What happens on December 1 is up to you.  If you’re like me, you’ll keep the Gravy Train running as long as possible and then maybe settle down someday with a nice mustache.  Or maybe The Beard has become too much for you and you’ll take a razor to it right away.  The choice is yours.  Choose wisely, my dear readers, and may the Good Fortunes of Our Patron Saint Ron Swanson shine upon thee.

-Zephaniah Brownstein

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Libations at NU

18 Jul

What most intoxicated freshmen look like to us.

So you’re going off to NU this fall, eh? You like to party hard? NO YOU DON’T, HIGH SCHOOLER. Now that we have that aside, let me be your tour guide around the beautiful bar that is the NU campus.

BEER
No shit you’re going to find beer. What did you expect? Prepare for keg beer, Keystone Light, Busch Light, and PBR galore. Occasionally you’ll find something else, but don’t get excited. For the love of God, please do not drink the bottles if you find any in a fridge! That shit is stealing and is uncool. Be thankful enough that NU’s frats don’t charge like asshole state schools. We’re nice like that. Don’t trash the place.

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Five Things Not To Do While Making Out

7 Dec

Avoid Canadian rioters at all cost.

So it’s a Saturday night. You’ve been nursing many-a-can of PBR over the course of the night. You see a lovely looking potential lover across the Keg dance floor right behind the stripper pole. They shoot you an inviting stare with their glazed eyes. This is it: You’re about to engage in a forgettable night of passion with your sweetheart and only your 200 closest friends, acquaintances, and Keg bouncers looking on. Here are some things to avoid in order to make sure your venture into the mouth of another person goes swimmingly.

5. Attempt to Check Your Phone
Judging by the fact that you’re reading about making out online, chances are you do not have anyone deep inside your mouth very often. So because this is a very rare occasion, you should probably take some time to appreciate it and maybe stay off your phone for a few minutes (because God knows how long this person is going to tolerate you slipping your tongue towards their esophagus). I know that you’re excited to get that text from your mom about the new Zelda game arriving — and you should be, it’s bomb as fuck; however, you can probably wait until after you’ve completed your mastication of another human being’s mouth before you find out when you’ll be able to fight the Demon Lord, Ghirahim.

Mind if I suck your neck until small blood vessels burst under your skin?

4. Maul Your Significant Other’s Neck
Since we’re on the subject of consumption, I must advise that you control your primal urges and do not eat your partner’s neck. Maybe you watch a lot of Twilight(in which case, you may want to evaluate how you spend your time before you make any physical contact with another human being again), or maybe you just thought it was a good idea to experiment with bear mating rituals. Either way, stop. After their heinous encounter with you, people should not question if your lover has been viciously mauled by a carnivorous animal. I know you might be hungry, and her neck may smell good, but please don’t unhinge your jaw and latch onto her. You’re doing both of you a favor.

3. Moan
A make-out session is no time to unleash the walrus groan you’ve been practicing. There’s no bigger turn-off than releasing a passionate whimper or wanton squeal on an unsuspecting person. Save those noises for your self-gratification time when nobody else has to hear them — except for everyone around you in the SPAC showers.

2. Get Handsy
Listen guys, I know you’re excited. You’re kissing a real girl with real boobs and everything. Your parents are very proud of you, as am I. Now saying that, keep your goddamn hands to yourself. Since you first discovered those magical things attached to the front of the females body, you’ve probably desired nothing more than to go to Boobtown. However, Boobtown is a gated-neighborhood and you’re only allowed in by invitation — so just calm yourself and enjoy the fact that a person with those mystical possessions has let you anywhere near them.

"Oh boy, I sure hope you look this good when I'm sober!"

1. Talk
This goes for all people. There is only one thing that can ruin a perfectly good drunken hook-up: words coming out of your mouth. Nobody cares that this is your first time making out with someone on top of a hay bale, or that your ex-boyfriend never once looked you in the eyes when you kissed. You keep those sad little details to yourself. Remember, you are nothing more than a body with a mouth to your partner in primal satisfaction. Your feelings and thoughts mean as much to them as Rebecca Black’s new songs mean to the situation in Libya (I still love you RB).

Follow this advice and you too can have a beautifully heinous night of animalistic pleasure.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston

30 Aug

After immersing yourself for a few weeks in the infamous college lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to discover that – just a few blocks from that wall of Jones on which you triumphantly urinated – there is a real city with real people. As easy as it is to be insulated in Northwestern’s spectacular campus, the city of Evanston is a great resource. The following comprehensive guide to key businesses in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious nature).

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