Fun-Sucking Sophomore Finally Understands Significance of Jingling Keys at Football Games

It doesn’t help that 95% of these keys are for Mercedes.

EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates.

“It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!”

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

Tainthead Student Corrects Professor on Origins of Babies

Students were left stunned by the photo of Hall’s birth

EVANSTON — Freshman student, Greg Hall of Chevy Chase, Maryland, brought a lecture on pre-natal development to an uncomfortable halt when he corrected renowned pediatrician and lecturer Dr. Hammond Kietz that children do not develop inside a uterus as he was suggesting.  Rather, Hall expounded with unshakable certainty that human infants developed inside dark enclosed spaces, such as wicker baskets, flowerpots, and from inside the folds of colorful backdrops.