If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character

University of Illinois as Jean-Ralphio

“Technically I’m homelessss.”

Both are broke, but they still manage to have a good time anyways. Got off on a technicalllllityyy!

Indiana University as

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

A Game-By-Game Recap of NU’s Football Season

Man, did we get blueballed this season or what?

It was a lot like taking a detour to class through Kellogg to get a Jolly Rancher: sure the only ones left are the grape and even though everyone hates grape Jolly Ranchers, well at least it’s better than nothing. You also managed to avoid walking outside in the cold for another two minutes so all in all you came out better than you normally would have. With a feeling akin to soul-crushing emptiness but you root for Northwestern so don’t get greedy goddamnit.

With clear eyes and full hearts, let’s examine the season that was(n’t).

Big Ten to add University of Oxford

The University of Oxford board of regents voted unanimously Monday to accept the Big Ten’s invitation to join as a member in all sports. The move will likely make the Fighting Commas the Big Ten’s 15th member, and reportedly came as a surprise to many in the industry.

Looks just like Ryan Field, amirite?!

#GetFuckedPennState

The battle of the fictional feline football foes.

When Penn State gets fucked by the Northwestern Wildcats tomorrow afternoon, prepare for the biggest scandal in Happy Valley to break out since…

Um…

Since the 2008 revelation that 46 Penn State football players had faced 163 criminal charges since 2002.

Yeah, let’s go with that — the shocking revelation of systematic abuse by people of authority that was CLEARLY the worst scandal to rock the athletic culture of the Nittany Lions.

Prepare for a 4,000-strong student riot to run amok through the streets of State College, protesting what will be the worst shock to Penn State’s national brand since 6 Lions football players broke into an apartment and beat several students. Because when Kain Colter and Venric Mark absolutely fondle Penn State’s defense, it could be the worst black mark on the University’s football program since JoePa’s intemperate remarks about sexual assault.

Yes, Penn State, it seems that Northwestern has picked up the banner of “Success with Honor” you left sullied on the ground. Get ready to experience the full brunt of shame from losing to a school that maintains integrity at both the University and within its athletic programs. The smell of defeat is going to be so bad you’ll need to shower it off.

Penn State, we find you guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sucking.

Now we’re not just horsing around here. We’re going to beat you so bad we’ll make Bill O’Brien blush redder than Mike McQuery’s hair. Speaking of Mike, whatever happened to that guy? Haven’t seen him around recently.

Sidebar: What the fuck is a Nittany Lion? And why does it look like Arthur the Aardvark’s drug addled cousin? Who designed the mascot costume? A fourth grade — you know what, never mind.

Prepare for Chi Chi Ariguzo and the rest of the Wildcat’s front seven to show a total disregard for the safety and welfare of tomorrow’s gridiron victims, which will only empower our defense to continue its systematic abuse of Matt McGloin at Beaver Stadium.

Hehehehe. Beaver.

According to the history books, Northwestern is an astounding 10-0 against Penn State dating back to 1998. So suck on that. Although we are a bit surprised that our incessant fucking of the Nittany Lions hasn’t yet led to Penn State’s establishment of an athletic culture and daily mindset in which football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.

Nevertheless, you still could have put a memento commemorating all that Coach Paterno did for your football program outside of the stadium. I don’t know, maybe a statue or something. That’s cold man. Just cold.

Follow us on Twitter for livetweeting of the game, and much, much more.

NCAA Reaffirms Commitment to Academic Integrity

Nothing at all like the rush of adrenaline you get from completing your Econ midterm.

In an unprecedented ruling that is sure to produce a sea-change in intercollegiate athletics for years to come, NCAA officials, coaches, and players acknowledged that college athletic programs have become dangerously large entities that threaten the values and integrity of their institutions.

“Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “Which is why all NCAA athletic programs are voluntarily returning malignantly profitable sports like football and basketball to their proper status as amateur ventures.”

“We were all just kind of sitting around, trying to figure out how to properly punish Penn State for their culture of football reverence and blatant exploitation of a corrupt system to protect an enterprise bloated with big-time money,” continued Emmert, “And we were just like, ‘You know, this whole issue is really more a sign of an endemic problem throughout collegiate athletics. Who are we to wag our finger at Penn State for protecting a highly profitable venture while the SEC stands to make $300 million dollars in annual television earnings alone?'”

“I mean, amirite guys?” stressed Emmert. “So we just called up the top Division 1 athletic directors, and they were totally on-board with our plan to make sure all colleges and universities placed rigorous academic discipline, study, and success ahead of athletic victory. Because when you really think about it, what’s more valuable to these kids, a college degree from Boise State, or a Fiesta Bowl victory?”

Numerous coaches and players eagerly lent their support to the NCAA’s ruling.

“It’s high time we put the ‘student’ first in ‘student-athlete,'” concurred Nick Saban, head coach of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide football team, for approximately the 679,506th time in his life. “You know, just because I make ten times more per year than my school’s chancellor does not mean I am any less committed to ensuring that this institution focuses on the academic priorities of our students.”

According to Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini, “The University of Nebraska-Lincoln has always been a bastion of higher education and scholarly pursuits. I want my players to focus on their mental finesse much more than their physical prowess. And if [starting quarterback Taylor Martinez] just isn’t quite in form for kickoff against academic powerhouse Southern Miss because he spent too much time this summer reading Russian Literature and Margaret Atwood poetry instead of working out in the weight room, then I know I have succeeded, not just as a coach, but as a leader of young men.”

Players have responded favorably to Emmert’s ruling as well.

Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton, for example, has already announced his desire to temporarily retire from professional football in order to complete his degree from Auburn University. “Not a day goes by,” admitted Newton, “That I don’t regret forgoing my senior year of college and instead signing a four-year contract worth a guaranteed $22 million dollars. Sure, that’s a lot of money, but just think about how happy I would be right now if I had cared less about a frivolous playground game and instead focused more intently on my Sociology major!”

Power forward Anthony Davis Jr., meanwhile, has turned down the New Orleans Hornets, who drafted him number one in the draft, so that he can pursue his more cerebral interests than defending the low post. “If there’s one thing coach John Calipari taught me at Kentucky, it’s that winning isn’t everything,” said Davis. “Calipari was always great and easy-going, insisting that there is a life beyond basketball and that we should pursue whatever interests us.

KD has also announced his decision to return and finish his college degree and finally finish watching every episode of Dr. Who.

“I mean, holy shit, I’m only 19! I’ve got my whole world ahead of me,” mused Davis. “I don’t need to pigeon-hole myself into the world of professional basketball. I think I’d really like to try other things, like maybe Teach for America or the Peace Corps. Or maybe backpacking through Europe before I start working on a doctoral thesis. Really get out and see the world, you know? Sports are only temporary, but your mind, your mind is for life.”

The effects of this paradigm shift in intercollegiate sports at the highest level are sure to have a deep and profound impact on college athletic programs as we know them. Analyst Lee Corso has already predicted that this will spark an unprecedented string of BCS bowl victories for schools like Northwestern, Notre Dame, and Stanford, while Jay Bilas is already beside himself looking forward to the rise of the Pomona Sagehends, Macalester Macs, and the Rhode Island School of Design Balls, who are sure to put together dynastic basketball programs thanks to their nationally respected culture of higher education.

On Penn State and Scandal

What the fuck? Like literally. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I assume by now you realize I’m talking about the horrific and in every way unfunny allegations coming out of Penn State and now Syracuse. While no one has yet been tried in a court of law, if even one tenth of the accusations made against these men and those around them are true then I am incredibly justified in saying WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PATHETIC SCUM OF THE EARTH?

For those of you who don’t keep up with the newly created “alleged child rapists and molesters in elite college sports programs” beat, here’s the rundown. A football coach at Penn State is believed to have sexually abused at least eight boys over a forty year period, he was witnessed doing this, the witness reported it to his superiors, the alleged rapist retired, AND FUCKING NO ONE WENT TO THE POLICE TO TRY TO PROTECT THE YOUNG CHILDREN. Also, it is accused that a Syracuse basketball coach molested at least two ball boys over a period of 15 years, school officials may have known, AND FUCKING NO ONE WENT TO THE POLICE TO TRY TO PROTECT THE YOUNG CHILDREN.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sir T-Worth, your use of caps is physically painful to me to behold.” To which I of course respond: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW BIG THE LETTERS I’M TYPING ARE WHEN THERE ARE CHILD MOLESTERS AND RAPISTS RUNNING AROUND LOCKER ROOMS? UNREAL.”

Because honestly, this continues to be among the worst and most depressing stories I’ve ever read. The acts themselves are nearly unthinkable. The level of evil needed for anyone to do what Jerry Sandusky is accused of doing is certainly nearing Gaddafi heights. And as for the school and team administrators who may have known what happened and not only didn’t go to the police, but didn’t fire the man involved and allowed him to remain around the children, I have almost nothing to say. Except that you, in every way imaginable, sicken me to my very core. I have heard some of them say publicly and in private emails that they regret their lack of action, which is certainly good. This indicates to me that they do have a moral compass. But that moral compass was apparently more AWOL than Ronald Reagan during the Iran-Contra scandal.

Just when I thought this entire saga couldn’t make me hate the entirety of planet earth even more, Sandusky went and gave an interview to Bob Costas that left me physically quivering as if Michele Bachmann was once again leading the polls. He claimed it was just horseplay and that he was just innocently showering with 10-year-old boys (sidenote: I believe under the definition of “oxymoron” that sentence appears). Yet when asked if he was attracted to little boys, he couldn’t even bring himself to say no. Instead, he gave a rambling damning answer about “liking young people.” Again, this stuff is not for the weak of stomach.

Finally, I would like to once again advise everyone against reading the grand jury report on this. Three pages in and I was forced to stop before I passed out in a pool of my own vomit and tears. And for reference, I giggled through The Amityville Horror. This is so so so so much worse than a family being annoyed by ghosts for a month, turning on each other, watching a priest go blind, losing their minds, falling in pits of blood, being locked in their own rooms and having paranormal beasts befriend their daughter (retroactive spoiler alert).

In closing, every goddamn person who knew about these goddamn sex attacks and did nothing to prevent future ones should be required to go to every goddamn kindergarten classroom in America and personally apologize to every goddamn young child there.