Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into:

Everyone Totally Notices That One Little Thing You’re Really Self-Conscious About

Um.

SEATTLE – A recent survey of everyone you know and hope to meet has revealed that every single person around you constantly acknowledges that one tiny fault that you’re really uncomfortable with.

Though you have hoped that nobody would pay attention to that one little thing you really hate about yourself, sources have confirmed that everyone you’ve ever met and will meet over the course of your entire life is constantly, and will constantly be, paying attention to that specific thing.

“It’s really the only thing that defines him as a person,” said your best friend who swore to never really pay attention to that minute detail that you hated every having to acknowledge. “How could I not notice? It’s disgusting and terrible and really makes him a person that everyone should criticize.”

What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The 13 Types of People You’ll Meet in College

Not listed: That Guy.

1. The Walking College Stereotype

Every sitcom and movie involving college students likes to portray them as rigidly focused students looking for their way in life during the day, and uncontrollable party animals at night. On Wednesday days at 3 A.M., they’re at the library struggling to stay awake – and on Saturday nights they’re at the bar struggling to stay standing. They’ll pull at least two all-nighters every week, eat ramen or fast food for every lunch and dinner, and get blackout drunk every weekend. Some people are like this for the first couple weeks of their freshman year – and others are this person for the entirety of their college lives; however, one thing is certain: you will come across someone like this at some point in college.

2. Mr. or Mrs. Pre-Professional

This person is always working towards some goal that they had in their childhood.  They’re in the pre-med class, the pre-med fraternity, the pre-med club, and even the pre-med field hockey team. It’s impossible to talk to this person without eventually hearing “When I’m a doctor,” or “When I’m at Harvard Law.” The entirety of their life revolves around their future, and they won’t let you forget it.

The 6 Types of People There Are

JLaw, of course, is in a class all for herself. We just wanted to include a picture of her.

1. People who say “I” instead of “me” in an attempt to appear intelligent, but who really should be saying “me”, given the grammatical context

Example: “People like you and I don’t care about what anyone else thinks.”

These people are liars who a) do care about what everyone thinks, as evidenced by their pathetic attempt to fool others into believing that they passed 5^th grade Language Arts, and who b) are actually quite unintelligent.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends

I see 2,000 future friends

One of the best aspects of the college experience is how many fascinating people you meet and subsequently engage in raucous shenanigans with. A good collection of bffles can be an essential asset in all of the tasks that you will face during your freshman year, from drunkenly yelling at buoys in Lake Michigan to figuring out how to torrent The Lion King 1 1/2 without getting caught.

At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.