Pope Francis I: “New Church Album Will Rock”

A shirtless Pope Francis, on tour supporting his album White Smoke Rising.

VATICAN — The recently elected Pope Francis I announced that the Catholic Church’s forthcoming album will have “more of a New Testament element.”

The heavyweights of Christ’s gospel and godfathers of the Christian genre are looking to release tracks later this year, but will not deviate far from the mantra that made them one of the millennia’s most followed acts.

Luis Antonio Tagle, the Archibishop of Manila and synth player in the Church, said, “When we were working on Benedict XVI, we got caught up in a lot of great experimental stuff.  It was a much softer period.  Our next papacy is going to be good and it’s going to sound great when played loud!”

Make Nickelback Famous (Invisible Listeners)

We are at a point in history like one never before; the world is connected through countless media of communication and infrastructure.  The number of people on Facebook at this exact second is roughly twelve times the number of people who saw “Johnny English” in theaters.  With a more globalized culture, we are capable of forming relationships across the world – even across the galaxy.

And yet, there are still people who suffer.  The number of people who have (presumably involuntarily) seen Nickelback’s music video of “Photograph” on YouTube is rapidly approaching the number of people who live in Romania.  That’s scary.  And the problem is: No one knows who the culprit is.  Nickelback has tragically faded into irrelevance, making their egregious crimes more difficult to stop.

Read the following exchange, which occurred between my son and I.

Me: Listen to this song.

Son: I don’t like it.  Why did you make me listen to this?

Me:  People all around the world are given the same treatment.

Son:  Why?  Why don’t they find the band that made this song and have them tried at the ICC?

Me:  Because no one knows who they are.

Fortunately, with your help, this problem can be addressed.  We must do everything in our power to make their astounding lack of musical talent known to the world, so that they can be arrested and tried for war crimes in The Hague.  We can save men, women, and children all around the world from a brutal and ruthless aural assault.  We need to make Nickelback famous – not to celebrate them, but so that they can be internationally recognized as the #1 band in human rights violations.

It won’t happen without your help.  The government would never do anything that doesn’t forward their economic interests, because no one in the government cares about children.  So please – pass this article along, and more importantly, donate money to Invisible Listeners.  We need it to forward the cause, and also to buy Keystone Light.

MAKE NICKELBACK FAMOUS.