25 Things You’ll See at the Sherman Ave Fundrager Tonight

1. Drinking.
2. Partying.
3. People dancing.
4. People kissing.
5. A long line to the bathroom.
6. A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
7. A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
8. Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
9. The return of The Zodiac Killer.
10. A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
11. Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
12. A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
13. A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
14. The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
15. Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
16. Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
17. Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
18. Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
19. Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
20. An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
21. Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
22. Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
23. Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
24. A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
25. A damn good time.

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014.

Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”

World’s Worst: Current Song Lyrics

How does this man even have time to write lyrics when he has a beard to keep so immaculate?

Legend has it that if you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, one of them would eventually write Shakespeare. But before they did that, they would type these song lyrics, as well as several E.E. Cummings poems and an episode of Adventure Time.

1.      “I want to scream and shout and let it out. I want to scream and shout and let it out.” – Britney Spears and Will.i.am, “Scream and Shout”

If your ACT score exceeded your shoe size, you’re probably wondering: how did this song even happen? We here at the Ave have determined several plausible explanations: