Mittuational Comedies: Possible Ideas for Mitt Romney’s New BET Sitcom

Tyler Perry Presents: Mitt Romney’s White House of Payne

Have you ever imagined what it would be like for Mitt Romney to have his own sitcom — or rather, Mitt-com — on BET? I mean really thought it about? Well we hear at Sherman Ave have thought about it in great detail, and we have decided to share our best ideas for such an amazing creation, with you, our loyal followers. Here is a list of the best Mitt-coms the minds of Sherman Ave (and its contributors) could create:

Disclaimer: Heinous amounts of puns and rhyming are contained in this article.

“Mitt in Pitt:” Mitt Romney lives with Wiz Khalifa in the inner city of Pittsburgh, getting into all sorts of “shenanigans” in their quest for some dank shit and foreign policy experience. (Possible Line: “Kush? Is that, like, related to a couch cushion or something?”)

“That Mitt Cray:” Mitt Romney and Ann Romney are the game-makers as their five children compete to the death in the corporate arena. Whoever makes the most money gets to take healthcare away from the others!
–Sir Edward Twattingworth III

“Ball and Mitt:” Mitt is a retired baseball player trying to live vicariously through his son’s tee ball team.
-Big Spoon

“Mittriol:” Mitt gets mad. All the time. At everyone.
-Shtick Rick

“Ain’t That Some Mitt:” Mitt Romney is the (supposedly) lovable boss of a local struggling grocery store, constantly cutting employees and their benefits and attempting to get them to like him in the process.

“Hot Shhhhh-M-itt!:” Mitt Romney travels through America’s heartland, visiting the small businesses that make our country great, culminating in a shot in which he points at the product/service in question and stiffly delivers, to everyone’s mild discomfort, his catchphrase, “That’s some hot sh-Mitt!”
-The Artist Formerly (And Presently) Known as Kai

‎”ForMITTable Opponent:” Mitt tries to take on professional athletes, scientists, and others in their respective professions (Spoiler Alert: He fires anyone who doesn’t let him win).

“The CoMITTern:” Mitt goes back in time to 1919 and partakes in Lenin’s Communist International First World Conference to learn the true meaning of Socialism.
–Evander Jones

“Stuck in the MITTle with You:” Mitt Romney works as a city relationship consultant, trying to get couples to realize that the faults of their relationships are just due to the fact that they have not cut enough of the excess expenditures out of their day-to-day lives — like eating.

“Acquit Mitt:” A legal dramatic comedy starring Mitt Romney as an ace attorney who can solve any case, buoyed by an ensemble cast of black stereotypes.
–Sad Bones Malone

‎“That Mitt Spit:” Mitt Romney tries to make a name for himself in the underground rap circuit (and comes up with a surprising amount of rhymes for trickle-down economics).

“Misfit Mitt:” Mitt Romney hangs out with a bunch of black people. This is probably the simplest one. And honestly? The funniest.
-Sad Bones Malone

“Mitt-town Girls:” Mitt plays the lovable friend of 2 beautiful 20-something working girls. They think he’s gay, but he’s really just sensitive, awkward, and a devout Mormon.
–Commandant Leo Sextoi

“Unfit Mitt:” A sitcom depicting if Mitt Romney won the 2012 Presidential Election, and his subsequent misadventures in office.
-Sad Bones Malone

And I like my photo-ops stiff and contrived.

“I Like Mitt Sunny-Side Up:”Mitt Romney works as a chef at a Philadelphia 24-hour diner. Starring Sherman Hemsley as the owner and Donald Glover as Mitt’s outlandish best-friend and co-worker (Tagline: The customers at this restaurant like their soup served with Crackers).

“Mittrro 2033:” Based VERYYY loosely on the cult classic horror videogame, Mitt plays a subway station administrator from the future who must fight off hordes of zombies. The catch? He’s actually hallucinating from the fumes in the metro station, causing him to believe they’re zombies when they’re actually the wealthy commuters he has sworn to protect.
-Leo Sextoi

“In Deep Mitt:” Mitt Romney works at a local sewage company. The main theme: Mitt Romney covered in feces. Hilarity ensues.

“Her-mitt Talks:” Herman Cain and Mitt Romney swap stories about cooking, taxes, and their favorite boutiques.

I hope everyone enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it. Let us all pray that the producers at BET get to work on at least one of these ideas because, let’s be honest, there are few things funnier than the awkwardness that is Mitt Romney around African-Americans.

If you have any other suggestions for possible Mitt-based BET Sitcoms, don’t hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE!

Girl Talk at Congress Theater

Gillis gets his mashup on at the Congress Theater

Girl Talk. Say the name and you’ll invoke either confused stares (you mean when two girls have a conversation?) or swoons. For all those who are sane and awesome, the primary response is definitely swooning and awe. And at his concert Saturday night at the Congress theater, good old Gregg Gillis, a.k.a. “Girl Talk,” did not disappoint his loyal legions of followers.

Lessons learned at Girl Talk:

Gregg Gillis truly is a god among men.
Sitting through the first two opening acts was worth it just to hear Gregg push buttons on a keyboard. There are very few people who can legitimize the pushing of buttons as a talent, and he is one of them. Girl Talk played a bunch of his newer mixes from “All Day,” but kept things lively by not just using samples the audience would have heard before. Instead he mixed things up, keeping the dance party fun and bumpin’. (In many cases, quite literally bumping. But I’ll get to that later.) His remix of “Shout!” was probably one of the best things ever — the sold out theater thought nothing of crouching onto the disgusting, beer-covered floor and “gettin’ a little bit softer now.” Nothing would have made me touch that floor unless Girl Talk commanded me to. Also, for those with some PITTSBURGH PRIDE, there was a quality remix of Black and Yellow that personally melted my heart. (Girl Talk is a Pittsburgh native, suckas. Interestingly enough, so is Christina Aguilera.). Gregg even whipped out some classics, like a mix of “Jesse’s Girl” with “BUT I’D RATHER GET SOME HEAD” thrown in. Good stuff.

We assume that the same person who did Kanye's "All the Lights" video was also responsible for Girl Talk's lighting

The visual elements were also sick. The constantly changing lights behind Gillis on stage were absolutely insane. (Also a quick shoutout to the opening act who had a scene from The Room incorporated into one of his songs.) The audience was frequently barraged with artillery raining down from the sky — balloons, confetti, etc. — which only made the show even more fun and chaotic.

Overall, Girl Talk kept things funky fresh and superb. His ability to make hipsters flail their arms and dance wildly instead of headnodding is unchallenged. Ain’t no party like a Girl Talk dance party.

Grow a pair. Or pregame harder.
The only problem with Girl Talk concerts, quite honestly, is the crowd. Back in the good old days, when Gregg was performing at smaller venues in Pittsburgh — Mr. Small’s, this is your shoutout — the crowd was fun and goofy. If you wanted to climb on stage with your friends, it was pretty easy. Everyone respected your dance space. One time, on stage, Girl Talk announced he wanted Taco Bell. So he got some — and then upon leaving, bouncers handed out burritos to everyone. Girl Talk had ordered Taco Bell for everyone in the audience. Nowadays, it’s not as personal of an atmosphere. As a chica barely over five feet, I can (and do) get my shit wrecked by pushy high schoolers, which, while embarrassing, is mostly just annoying.

Sweaty-bastard overload

The crowd at the Congress was particularly rowdy. Getting to the front row basically required a willingness to never let your feet to touch the ground, instead simply being pushed violently from side to side. It was a feeling similar to being hit with tsunami waves simultaneously from all sides. So that was unfortunate. This phenomenon leaves the audience members with two options: either accept the imminent crushing of infinite sweaty bodies, or push back. Or a perfect compromise: go to the side a wee bit, still dance intensely, but avoid being elbowed in the face about twenty times. And then just go to town and not give a crap about who you hit with your own elbows. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, people.

The Verdict:
Prepare to get extremely sweaty, pushed around by high schoolers who think they are cool and moshers who are a little desperate for human contact. Did I get sweaty? Yes. Did I have drinks spilled on me? Yes. Was it fucking awesome? YES.

–Alison Decker