Recent Crop of High School Graduates say ‘Ah Fuck It’

Eh

WASHINGTON, DC–A recent poll of high school graduates across 400 schools from 48 states shows a near unanimous decision to just say “Ahh fuck it” when asked about any kind of post-high school plans. When probed to see what that meant exactly, a majority of students responded, “I dunno, whatever.”

“I mean, it’s like, what am I even going to do? Work with computers?” exclaimed high school senior Stephanie Kaspersky. “Hashtag no thanks. I’d rather make jewelry.”

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.

New Year’s Eve Checklist

So Christmas is over and the time for relaxing is behind us. You have only one week left before you need to go back to Evanston. While you probably don’t have your New Year’s Eve plans set yet, follow this checklist and you might make it out of the night with some dignity and a few new friends. At the very least, you’ll have a couple good stories and no less than three inexplicable bruises.

Bonus points if you nail that one dick from Junior Year English Class with the cork.

1. Drink
Going home can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. It can mean relaxing, watching TV, losing the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas, and even reading (as dark as that may sound). However, to most, it probably means raging and drinking with friends and making bad decisions like you’re right back in high school. While most nights on break can feel more casual and laid back, New Year’s Eve is the night where you get to show all your friends and the randos at the party what you’ve learned at a higher learning establishment, primarily your newfound raging capabilities. An innocent bystander at the party might say, “Oh you go to Northwestern? I go to UC Santa Barbara and party on the beach because it’s 70 degrees year round. You must…like…do a lot of work and stuff.” Just wait, person who I’ve never met, because by the end of the night I will not only be blackout and ghostriding down Market Street, but also in the midst of a heinously deep conversion with a cop about the futileness of the Occupy Wall Street Movement and probz will get a fb friend request from him/her in a few days. Where did you say you went to school again, some, like, state school or whatever?

2. Hook Up
Go for it. You’ve been eying her for this whole party. She wants you. Just try to keep it classy and remember you’re not in the keg anymore, and there’s a decent chance that she actually knows where you live.

Nobody said it would be easy.

3. Wake Up the Next Morning
If you wake up the next morning, no matter where that may be, don’t worry, you made it. You made it through another year alive and you’re still raging like there’s no tomorrow. Now try to act like you have an idea of where you are, find your car, and drive home before your parents start assuming you’re dead and rent out your room.

4. Do Not Black Out Before the New Year
Even though counting down New Years may not be the ultimate highlight of the night, it’s up there. Blacking out before New Year’s kind of puts a damper on your memory of the night and it also makes the previous point a little more traumatic. If you can make it to midnight with a little consciousness and the ability to maneuver your two feet then you’re doing well: feel free to do whatever you please for the rest of the night. And remember that only on New Year’s Eve is the saying “nothing good happens after 2 AM” completely null and void. If you go home before 5am you’re doing something wrong. If the party is at your house, then congrats on having wonderful parents, can I like come over? I’ll have Mario Balotelli bring some fireworks too.

You'll always have your bros.

5. Get All Sentimental About Home
Since we’re on the quarter system here at Northwestern, we go back to school only one day after New Year’s. That not only makes this party your last chance to go hard before you head back to school and snow and total heinousness, it also reminds you how much you love being home and how awesome your friends are. So make about 50 toasts over the course of the night, reminisce over past debauchery, and even cry if that’s your thing. Everyone is blackout so they won’t even remember those two guys crying near the champagne.

–Andy Shartwood