Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with

James Franco Visits Northwestern, Possibly Forever

EVANSTON, IL—A&O Productions and Northwestern University announced yesterday that James Franco will visit campus Saturday as winter speaker, followed this year by an appearance as spring speaker, Dillo Day headliner, Blowout performer, and poetry professor.

Franco, an actor famed for his role in “Freaks and Geeks,” squinting, and his diverse creative talents, was A&O’s first choice for all of the positions.

“As soon as we saw how well students reacted to his poetry reading we knew Northwestern University needed more of James Franco,” said A&O spokeswoman Jeremiah Spunkleford, referencing the actor’s recent appearance at the Chicago Humanities Festival at Northwestern’s law school. “We’re grateful James Franco has been so cooperative with our move toward integrating him fully into the Northwestern experience.”

“We’re thrilled to announce there’s going to be more James Franco at Northwestern University,” continued Spunkleford. “A lot more.”

Franco’s upcoming appearances are scheduled for April as spring speaker, May 31 as the headlining musical act of the recently renamed Franco Day and again in October as the Fall Blowout headliner.

A&O productions, a group comprised of Northwestern students, is charged with procuring performers for its annual Northwestern campus events, including speakers, comedians and musical acts. A representative of A&O productions reported that the group was

An Ode to Flappy Bird (in Sonnet Form)

(via androidpit.com)

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

The passions thou inspirest in me are as hot

But summer, in its endless glory, makes me rather gay

Whereas thine sensitivity makes’t me wish to get shot.

Betwixt green channels I hope you soar

My thumb’s mere press sends you amongst pipes

But now, as for ornithology, I cannot study it any more

I must empty the birdfeeder, for I have some gripes.

Double digits evade me; my maximum score won’t rise

I tap and tap, will thou not reward my labors?

I am addicted – I must play – I shant compromise

Or shall I? I have had enough. Your uninstalling I savor.

AND NOW, STUPID GAME, I DEMAND TO BE HEARD

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY: FUCK YOU, FLAPPY BIRD.

Freshman Seminar: Weekly Response Haikus from a Student to her Professor

Week 1
Freshman in college
So hard to make friends; guess I’m
Just smarter than them

Comments: Adjusting to college can be tough. Drop by my office if you ever need to talk. Good use of a semicolon. –Professor Evans

Week 2
Far from home I meet
Someone who exposes me
To a whole new world

Comments: Glad to hear you’re having a better experience here. Also, avoid pop culture references in your writing; you’ll forget all about Jasmine and Aladdin once we study the Romantics! –Professor Evans

A Sonnet for the Evanston City Council

Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?

Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:

Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,

And just one bag hath all too light a weight:

Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,

and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;

And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,

With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;

But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,

Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;

With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,

The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.

A late-night mugging I will have in store;

if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.

In Which I Wax Poetic on Hamburgers

You’ve gotten me through so much, Edzo’s.

Hamburger you disgust me.

Hamburger I don’t care where you came from.
I don’t know where to find you on a cow, or a horse
or whatever else you may be made of.
Secretly I find the mystery exciting.

Hamburger I know you’ve been getting fatter over the years
but that’s alright.
I had a brief affair with Subway and she’s been good to me,
but you’ll always have more to love.

Poetry time with Alabaster Carlos Alabaster

so much depends
upon

an abandoned
baby

bleeding from the
head

beside the green
dumpster

Why I’m Voting for Obama: Five Haikus

I’d give him the head of state.

I’m no political scientist. I have never peered over the edge of the fiscal cliff; my knowledge of U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan is hazier than the only night I’ve ever been to the Deuce; and I picture the inner workings of the White House as strikingly similar to the Department of Mysteries in Harry Potter.

I am, however, a sucker for cool people doing cool shit. So SUCK IT, political ideologues – this election day, I’m gonna vote for Obama because he is both a PILF and the epitome of badass. Never mind that I believe in his straightforward adherence to old-fashioned democratic ideals – as in, equality in everything from universal health care  and marriage to freedom of choice – or his defense of national parks, or the respect he commands internationally. That shit pales in comparison to his killer dirt-off-your-shoulder. The Obamas, ESPECIALLY Barack, are rad. Just like, super cool. Honestly, even if Obama was all, “Let’s just put Sasha and Malia and the dog in charge while I go surfing in Honolulu and smoke some weed,” I’d vote for him anyway. A cool president is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector.

You know what else is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector? Amateur poetry. And everyone knows that the best form of amateur poetry comes in snack-size haikus – traditional short-form Japanese poems that follow a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern. So without further ado, I present an artistic homage to my favorite prez’ campaign in a manner that’s about as political as a toy poodle.

On Michelle’s super-toned arms
Graceful, burnished, buff
Those arms could lift our nation.
Can I vote for them?

On Barack’s Rad Music Taste
Let’s contrast your tunes
– Kanye, Bruce, Aretha – Mitt’s:
Toby Fucking Keith.

On the fact that he has a puppy named in accordance with said music taste:
You’re the First Dog, the
Second Bo, the third chillest
White House resident.

On Weapons of Choice
In a real battle,
Your horses and bayonets
Would smash Mitt’s Big Bird.

On the book he wrote/dedicated to his daughters WHILE BEING A PRESIDENT
You wrote a FUCKING
KID’S BOOK about national
Heroes. Marriage me, plz.

Now that you’ve learned a little more about America’s favorite chiller firsthand – and gotten a little lesson in poetic brilliance along the way – I challenge you to come up with a haiku of your own about Mr. Barack! Challenge yourself and make it politically relevant. Better yet, make it dope.

Rock out with ur barack out,
Gwyneth

2011 Sherman Ave Reader’s Poll: Results

With 122 responses and a wide variety of exceedingly gruesome responses,* we were absolutely thrilled with the success of this year’s poll. So, after much anticipation (drumroll please), we present to you: RESULTS!

The hanging chad of our generation

Most Heinous Event of 2011
With 24% of the vote, the winner was: Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Strikes Youtube. This is undoubtedly the most atrocious non-majority victory we’ve seen since November 2000.

Best Place to Find and Enjoy a Hookup
Also with 24% of the vote, the winner was: A Frat House. Notable write-ins include “Baby Bash ski trip concert” and “Deer season in Indiana.” Surprisingly enough, nobody mentioned Sherman Ave HQ…

Favorite Sherman Ave personality?
With 30% of the vote, the winner was: Sir Edward Twattingworth III. We at the Ave have not a shred of doubt that this will result in a power-trip of unprecedented magnitude, but with Sir T-Worth, we’re used to it. Anything less than Putin-esque levels of self-aggrandizement would be a disappointment.

Best Song of 2011
With 15% of the vote, the winner was: “Someone Like You” by Adele. This can easily be understood by anyone who has ever been within a 5-mile radius of any intoxicated Sherman Ave writer. Or felt love.

Most Mouthgasms per Bite
With 33% of the vote, the winner was: Hot Cookie Bar. Notable write-ins include “your mom” and “Pippa Middleton.”

DAMN YOU HIPSTERS FOR RUINING THE BEANIE FOR ME!!!!

Best Coffee Shop
With 52% of the vote, the winner was: Kafein. This would probably not go over well with one of the respondents who wrote in the answer, “Hipsters are sub-humans.” Ross Packingham intends to use this landslide victory as a clear mandate to bring his Buddhism-influenced beat poetry to Kafein’s stage, supported by Brother Jürgen and Eleanor Kinkervoss on the bongos while Evander Jones attacks the chastity belt around his waist with a chain saw. Sadly, it will only the fourth-most heinous act on stage at that week’s open mic.

Best Place to Get Intoxicated in Public
With 27% of the vote, the winner was: Cozy Noodles. Among the many notable write-ins were: “Barnes and Noble,” “10am MENU class,” and “sidewalk.”

Best A Cappella Group
With 26% of the vote, the winner was: There is no such thing as a good a cappella group. A ruefully valid statement indeed.

Best Movie of 2011
With 29% of the vote, the winner was: Harry Potter 7.2. Notable write-ins include Twilight: Breaking Hymen and Pippa Middleton, both of which feature Morty Schapiro and Kate Upton in starring roles.

Best TV Show of 2011
With 17% of the vote, the winner was: How I Met Your Mother. Apparently people identify with drunken assholes frittering away the golden years of their lives chasing after unsatisfactory one-night stands. Far and away, the most heinous write-in was: “Is The Hills still on? I pick The Hills.”

Please Describe Morty Schapiro in 10 Words or Less
This one was actually too much for us to emotionally process. Top answer: “Why limit it to fewer words than his penis length?” Maybe once Ross Packingham’s poetry career takes off, maybe he’ll compose a sonnet using only these responses and youtube video comments.

What’s Up the Evanston City Council’s Ass?
With 35% of the vote, the winner was: a 14-inch dildo made of molten gummy bears. If that’s not already true, it can certainly be arranged.

Ever wonder how I got the name "Packingham?"

What is your Gender?
With 58% of the vote, the winner was: Female. AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHH!!!! Hey ladies, how’d you like to spend the night with the fourth-most popular Northwestern-centric blog? No?** Haaaaaaave you met Manua?

What Brings You to Sherman Ave?
With a staggering 70% of the vote, the winner was: Facebook. Needless to say, notable write-ins included “Pippa Middleton” and “all of your fucking Facebook posts.”

In conclusion, a huge thank you goes out to everyone who took this poll. We couldn’t do it without you. We hope that you were pleased with our unnecessary heinousness in 2011, and we will do everything in our power to take it to the next level in 2012. Most importantly, we’re comforted to see in the responses that the people who read Sherman Ave are just about as fucked up as the people who write for it.

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*Allowing for a standard error of approximately 69%.
**Fun Fact: The first time Sherman Ave was ever used as a potential pickup line occurred in line for the bathroom at an off-campus party. It was not successful.