Tag Archives: politics

Al Gore Blames Early Hanukkah on Global Warming

27 Nov

In a last ditch effort to maintain a distant trace of cultural relevance, former Vice President Al Gore has pointed to what is described as a “calendar oddity” as further proof of global climate change.

Gore, at his 2011 speech about the dangers of toasters

An early Hanukkah and a late Thanksgiving happen to overlap this year, causing the extremely rare “Hanukkiving,” “Thanksgivikkah” or “Handsky,” for short. The visibly disillusioned author of “An Inconvenient Truth” addressed this issue with the waiting room of an optometrist’s office while holding a glass jar labeled “Global Warming Donations” filled with hand-written IOU notes from Gore himself. Continue reading

Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

21 Nov
via celebuzz.com

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

Continue reading

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

17 Oct

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading

In Post-Soviet Russia, Toilet Uses You: Сехтой в России, Part 1

8 Jul

Squatty potties decided the Cold War.

Khrushchev didn’t come to an agreement with Kennedy because he wanted to avoid a nuclear apocalypse; he phoned in the Cuban Missile Crisis in because he really didn’t want to negotiate with JFK while using one of the Politburo’s standing-room-only toilets. Gorbachev didn’t tear down the wall and end the Communist era because Reagan said so; he simply was tired of taking a shit standing up.

NYET.

Continue reading

Supreme Court Announces End of Morality

28 Jun

This douche.

In a controversial 5-4 decision this week, the Supreme Court announced the end of morality, and with it, the complete destruction of the nuclear family structure. With the invalidation of Proposition 8, as well as the 1996 federal DOMA bill, the Highest Court has decided to allow California to continue its decline into wretched hedonism, while simultaneously opening the floodgates of sin across the entire nation.

Speaking for the court majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy had this to say: “The age of Christian ethics is over. Now, all is free. Now all people can declare marriage to whomever or whatever they choose. Man and man. Man and dog. Man and chair. The sacred act of marriage has been permanently corrupted, so go forth, ye ravenous fools, and marry all that you see!” Continue reading

Scalia in Dissenting Opinion: “GAAAAYYYYYYY”

26 Jun

Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.

While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”

“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”

Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY!  GAY GAY GAYYYYYY!  SO GAY!”

Added Scalia, “So ghey.”

Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.

“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”

In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.

7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm

15 May
ASG_Logo

One Northwestern. One Shitshow.

In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.

1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.

Continue reading

Meet the ASG Candidates: David Harris

17 Apr

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part two of four. Look for the other two to come later in the day.

Pictured: Harris, who had a weird obsession with The Music Man and struggles with hot Thai peppers.

What’s your favorite movie?

Favorite movie?  I always  go with, like, three different movies at the same time so you can get a sense of different tastes.  So I would say “The Truman Show,” because that movie kind of blew my mind.  If I were more narcissistic, I would think my life was The Truman Show, but I’m not quite that interesting.   Second would probably be Zoolander, because, in a word, it’s awesome.  And third is Silence of the Lambs.

Oh wow.

Because that movie also blew my mind.  I like most every movie but I don’t like horror movies, so Silence of the Lambs is the closest I could get.  It’s more of a psychological thriller than slasher.

Okay.  Do you have a favorite musical?

Hmm.  I had this weird obsession with The Music Man when I was eight-ish.

The Matthew Broderick version or the Robert Redford version?

The actual, uh, theatre-y…

Oh, just the show.

Yeah.  But now I just watched, a couple weeks ago, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.  Have you seen that?

No.

It’s pretty hilarious.  It’s about a couple of conmen.  It’s got Steve Martin in it.  The movie’s not a musical, but I’ve also seen the musical.

Are you sure you’re not thinking of The Pink Panther?

Yeah, no I’m sure. Continue reading

Romney “Too Busy Celebrating Dr. King and Stuff” to Watch Inauguration

21 Jan

SAN DIEGO – Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced this afternoon that he was not able to watch President Obama’s inauguration ceremony, as he was preoccupied with his personal celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and those kinds of things.

Mr. Romney, who really spent a lot of time today reflecting on race equality and shit like that, did express remorse that he didn’t get to watch the inauguration.  “I’m sure it would have been really cool to see President Obama say some things about his presidency,” stated Romney.  “But at the end of the day, it’s more important to me to spend the day thinking about the life and legacy of Dr. Mark Luther King, Jr., and, you know, his whole deal.” Continue reading

Election Day Alternatives for Apathetic Non-Voters

6 Nov

The Constitution Party cut some corners on their Election Day celebration

It seems that not voting is nearly as popular as voting.  Hell, hardly anyone bothers to vote in North Korea.  Let’s examine some of the reasons why you may not be voting:  not registered, absentee ballot is sitting on your toilet, or you live in Oman.  Personally, I’m trying to impress the cutie that works at my post office who doesn’t vote.  I know she reads my mail.  She sure as hell hasn’t been delivering it.

If you play it right, election night can be the Superbowl, a birthday, and a hangover all in one. Elections are the societal equivalent of a getting married at 18.  Sure, we’ve gotten shallow insights into our potential mates, and we’re going to try it out for four years. Definitely not more than eight years.  You’ve decided to close your eyes, ambivalent to who kisses you at the altar.  Here are our top suggestions of ways to pass the evening while you stay puckered up. Let’s just hope you come out ahead:

Gamble

Betting on your team losing sucks.  You’ve creatively avoided this conflict of interest.  Bet the stats.  Bet your gut.  The Justice Party is looking pretty hot this year after they became vote eligible in 45 out of 50 states.  No trouble.  Everybody knows Arkansas and Maine always go Green Party.

Vote Third Party

It’s the same as not voting.

Have fun with your Absentee Ballot

I sent my ballot inside a sardine and sour cream sandwich.

Electioneering

Believe the rumor.  Biden is throwing a rave inside a polling station in Virginia to get a few last minute votes.  He made a mash-up of MLK Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech and a few Queen songs.  His beat matching is flawless.

Participate in Voter Fraud

The people of Cook County, Illinois love democracy so much that they keep voting up to 20 years after they’ve died.  Volunteer and help get their votes counted!

Crash Election Parties

Win or lose, election campaigners throw down.  Think major parties.  Think celebrity endorsements.  Choose a campaign that was left with too much extra cash.  Wherever Miley Cyrus is you can guarantee they’ll have cake.

Collecting Obama/Romney Campaign Gear

Top item: 7-11 election cups.  Beer pong in 2018 with those cups will be a reminder of simpler times when elections were won depending on our needs for hot go-go fuck juice.