The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into:

May Heinous: Selection Sunday

Here at Sherman Ave, history runs almost as deep as rampant xenophobia. Now, it is with great pride and joy that we introduce to you, dear loyal reader, the first inaugural May Heinous beer pong tournament.

Featuring 64 of world’s finest historical figures vying for the ultimate prize, the prestigious Morty Schapiro Cup, May Heinous is the world’s first and foremost beer pong tournament comprised solely of the various notables you defaced in your AP Euro textbooks. Randomly paired into 32 teams and assigned to one of four divisions — named after official Sherman Ave endorsed beverages — each historical figure will be challenged to demonstrate the finesse, grace, accuracy, strategy and alcohol tolerance necessary to advance to immortal glory.

In the spirit of popular democracy that most of these historical figures fought to advance, and a few sought to violently suppress, we at Sherman Ave are also exceptionally proud to announce the first-ever May Heinous tournament pool. Any reader irreverent enough to complete a May Heinous bracket and send it in to us at shermanave1@gmail.com is welcome to compete for the Morty Schapiro Championship cup, a Sherman Ave-licensed limited-edition t-shirt, and a hug.

The vaunted Morty Schapiro Cup.

Sherman Ave writers have been hard at work, tirelessly composing comprehensive breakdowns of each team’s beer pong strengths, weaknesses, and team cohesion, which shall be released throughout the week. Think of it like NCAA basketball bracketology, but without the existentialist angst and douchey commentators on ESPN.

To review: Download the bracket HERE. Complete it by copy and pasting whichever teams you think shall emerge victorious. Send it to shermanave1@gmail.com. Stay tuned to our coverage of the May Heinous tournament. Win eternal fame and glory and biddies.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Campus

Just remember: The lake is East

I’m going to be brutally honest: Your first week on campus is going to be awkward as tits. Think of that time you watched Superbad with your parents, combine it with that time Severus Snape’s doppelganger was lurking at The Keg, multiply that by twenty, and that’s roughly how awkward it’s going to be. However, one surefire way to minimize this apocalyptic awkwardness is by knowing your way around campus; the Awk Hawk loves nothing more than watching a lanyard-sporting freshman discreetly approach a group of upperclassmen and feebly ask for directions to Sheridan Road. Therefore, in my never-ending mission to better the world around me and help those in need, I have developed a descriptive blueprint of the nation’s 47th most attractive campus.

KEY BUILDINGS

Tech

Also sporting the least coherent room numbering system known to man

Soon to be known as “that one building we drunkenly roamed three times a week during fall quarter,” the Technological Institute (Tech, for short) is one of the main buildings on campus. This North Campus structure – as any tour guide will obnoxiously boast – is the 2nd largest low-rise building in the United States, right behind the Pentagon (a building which, ruefully, is much harder to get into at 3:30am on a Saturday). Home to science majors, math majors, and a few other majors that appeal solely to Asians, Tech is a very mysterious entity to many South Campus students. I would certainly advise the intoxicated exploration of this building, but beware: Your idea to bathe in the emergency shower on the way back from the Frat Quad is not as brilliant as it may seem.