The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

An Open Letter to That Girl in the Next Stall Clearly Trying to Poop

Dear Anonymous Female Bathroom Stall Neighbor,

Please, drop the act. I know what you’re doing. I know why you’re here.

You’re not researching the sturdiness of public toilets. You’re not admiring the stall graffiti and wondering why someone thought to bring a pen in there with them. This is a bathroom, and you are here because you need to take a dump.

University of Illinois Professor Slightly Frustrated Upon Finding Poop In His Clean Linens Again

Chief Illiniwek, taking a huge dump maybe.

In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.

Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.

“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.”