Tag Archives: posts

A Beginner’s Guide to Ruining Facebook

1 May

For most people, http://www.facebook.com is a happy place. It’s a calm place. A place where they’re in control. Let’s change that. By ruining Facebook. Here’s how:

Let's burn this motherfucker down.

1. Report Things
Do you realize how easy it is to report things on The Book? You can just click the little X in the upper right-hand corner of a post and easily mark it as spam or—EVEN BETTER!— send an automated message to the poster saying that you don’t like it. It’s a fucking blast. This is especially useful if your friends are all heinouses and thus everything they post is heinous. Just report it. Report it all. Fill their inbox with enough messages that say you found their posts objectionable to make them feel the pain you felt when you were forced to bear witness to their awfulness and testimonials regarding your mother’s sexual transgressions. But one warning: This one time my friend did this too much and Facebook apparently automatically removed the friend he was reporting. So only do this if, like most people, you have no interest in maintaining any friendships. And honestly, that applies to this whole list.

2. Like an Entire Wall-to-Wall
Friendship pages. Learn them. Love them. Go to you and your friend’s friendship page and click on “Wall Posts.” Then go ahead and just like all the posts. Every single one. If you’re a normal, rational human being, then this should theoretically not take very long and is a pretty quick way to ruin Facebook. If you’re like me and Ross Packingham, it can take 90 minutes to get through two months of shit. If this describes you, plz reconsider your life choices and seek a lot of therapy.

3. Find Attrotro Pics of People
You know what people love? People love when you find terrible photos of them and put said photos on their wall for all of the webiverse to see. Especially pictures of them posing provocatively on a stripper pole that then get memed and receive dozens of likes even after they delete it from their frickin’ wall. Yeah. People eat that shit up. But the crucial part here is not to bother going through tagged photos. If the person you’re cyberbullying has any shame they’ll have detagged all their fugly pictures (and if they don’t have any shame, finding their disgusting old pictures won’t embarrass them). Instead, find some of the earlier albums they’re tagged in; these tend to have the most heinous of the victim’s pics.

How Sir Twattingworth relaxes after a long day of heinousing.

Shut up, this is still cool. This is one of the few ways you can ruin Facebook second-by-second. While most things you do on Da Book take a moment or two to update, if the person you’re having a poke war with is online, then this can be an up-to-the-second heinousfest. You can literally just sit there hitting “poke back” over and over and over and over and over and over again until Mark Zuckerberg’s hologram comes out of the computer screen and strangles you to death.

5. Constantly Change the Picture for an Event You Created
WE GET NOTIFICATIONS EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS. SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONE. I log on, thinking “Oh wow, 28 notifications in three minutes! I am so popular and the people love me!” It is absolutely heartbreaking to realize that two of those notifications are from someone changing the picture for some massive event and that only 26 separate people felt the need to write on my wall in a three-minute span. The people love me.

6. Check In at All of the Places
Holy living mother of poop, I’m so absolutely fascinated by your lunch date at Panera! There with three whole friends? YEAH, THAT’S NO 26 WALL POSTS BIATCH. If you check in everywhere you go (or even like 1/10th of the places you go) I can absolutely guarantee that I wish ill upon those close to you. You’re ruining Facebook, the undisputed pinnacle of mankind’s existence. I won’t stand for this anymore. You have one hour.

Translating Northwestern Listserv and Group Posts

17 Jan

Oh thank God, 20 more messages about the vomit in the bathroom!

If you go to Northwestern University, you are undoubtedly subscribed to a number of listservs and are identified as a member of many Northwestern-themed groups. Every day, you’re flooded with numerous emails and posts that you don’t give a second thought about. However, the majority of the posts do not mean what they appear to say. Since we at Sherman Ave are very concerned about maintaining an informed student body, we’ve compiled a guide to the most frequent listserv and group posts you’ll encounter at Northwestern.

Lost Items

Sample Post: “Hey guys, I lost my wallet and wildcard somewhere in the frat quad last night. I’m not sure where I dropped them, but I think I lost them somewhere around there. If anyone finds them, please let me know. Thx!”

Meaning: “I lost my self-respect and dignity somewhere in the Beta House last night. However, since my possessions are probably damaged beyond repair, I guess I’d be able to settle for being able to pay for meals to make up for all the food I ‘lost’ on the steps of Bobb.”


Sample Post: “Hey, I’m a Journalism Major and I’m looking to interview someone who does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here] for my enterprise story. If someone does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here], please contact me. Thanks for the help guys!”

Meaning: “I really don’t have many friends because I spend most of my time learning grammar and worrying about Medill. I’m really excited to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have great communication skills so scripted conversations are the only ways I can talk to anyone. Someone please talk to me…Please….PLEASE!!!!”

Selling Things

Sample Post: “I’m selling all of my books from Macro, Chem, and EDC last quarter. Contact me if interested. I’m very flexible on price.”

Meaning: “I’m dropping my real major for sociology. Last quarter was hell and I can’t stand to have these fucking books staring me in the face every time I get back “The Family and Society.” Will somebody please take them away? Maybe for a dollar? 50 cents? JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM!!!!!”

Funny Posts

Sample Post: “I came to Northwestern for the sports teams. We’re, like, SOOOOO GOOD at football lol.”

Meaning: “I’m not very good at coming up with funny things normally, but when I think of something, I need to share it with everyone I can. You should totes like my post and validate my self-worth.”

Ross Packingham replenishes his beer fund by scalping CSO tickets

Extra Tickets

Sample Post: “Me and a friend bought 5 tickets to [insert event here], but the other people can’t go. If you’re interested in coming, please message me asap. Thanks!!!”

Meaning: “My one friend and I bought extra tickets to [insert event here] because we really aren’t good at making friends, but we figured nobody could resists free stuff, so someone would have to be our friends. We thought about just paying people to be our friends, but we thought that was going too far. But yeah, everyone should TOTALLY come and be our friends!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxo”

Hopefully this guide has helped you to understand the inner-workings of the minds of your fellow students.