Roommate Swears to Have Smoked with Chance The Rapper One Time

(via MTV)

EVANSTON, Il. – On Thursday night, shortly after Mayfest organizers announced that Chance The Rapper would be the daytime headliner at Dillo Day, your roommate excitedly declared that he met Chance at a party last summer. According to your roommate, the party was hosted by his high school buddy’s second-cousin at an apartment in the Southside of Chicago in late July.

Your roommate claims to have recognized the 20 year-old rapper immediately because he had been a fan of him “forever,” even before the release of his first mixtape, #10Day. Furthermore, your roommate “swears to fucking god” that he smoked a massive blunt with him outside and listened to him free-style rap.

When asked for comment, your roommate giddily recounted his life-defining experience:

18 “DM” Alternatives

(via Vimeo)

Dance Marathon.  If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.*  Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM.  The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up.  Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!

I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers.  So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:

Drunk Marathon – See here.

Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out.  I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.

Do Mushrooms –

Your Guide to Super Bowl XLVIII

(via Wikipedia)

Q: What is the Super Bowl?

A: It’s a game of American football played between professional teams.

Q: Is this different from the Superb Owl?

A: No.

Q: So why is it different from any other game?

A: The Super Bowl is a much bigger game, with much higher stakes.

Q: I’m intrigued, explain more about these stakes.

A: In the Super Bowl, each touchdown is worth six points, unless the defense invokes the Vanderbilt Rule and successfully clubs at least three (3) baby seals before the extra point attempt. If the defense is able to Vandy in time, the score is worth only four and everyone has to wear Ralph Lauren, Chubbies, topsiders and speak in a southern drawl for the next five minutes. Additionally, the winning team may choose any eight virgins from the other team’s city.

Q: Anything else happen to the losing team?

A: They’re forced to stare at Roger Goodell’s dick until they go blind.

Q: This seems messed up.

A: You should see the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement.

Q: How many players are on each team?

A: 11 are on the field for each team at a time.

Q: Why 11?

A: To represent Jesus and the 10 Disciples.

Q: I’m not sure that’s right.

A: I’m a Catholic priest.

Q: So who’s playing in the Super Bowl?

A: The Seattle Seahawks (booooo) and the Denver Broncos (yay, I guess).

Q: Why do we like the Broncos better?

A:  While Seattle has some likeable players like Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch, they are also coached by an absolute douchenozzle. The Broncos, on the other hand, have a coach who overcame a heart surgery and a quarterback who overcame a spinal injury.

Q: Which team has that tight end who killed like eight people?

A: Neither, the Broncos actually defeated that team last week.

Q: Now I understand why we’re all rooting for Denver.

A: That, and it’s funny because Seattle doesn’t even have an NBA team any more.

Q: Low blow. What’s a “12th Man?”

A: A mythical creature native to the northwest United States, the 12th Man wanders wooded areas, scaring campers and complaining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL.

Q: Why do we use Roman numerals in naming the Super Bowl?

A: Because we ~fancy~.

Q: Where is the Super Bowl being played?

A: Just outside of New York City.

Q: Ohhh, so this is all about New York! That’s why we all care!

A: You are Satan.

Q: Teehee.

A: …Any more questions?

Q: Yeah, do we all get free Papa John’s if Peyton Manning wins?

A: No, but I do next time I order because I’m just one point short of a free pizza on Papajohns.com!

Q: How high will everyone in Washington and Colorado be?

A: OMG NO WAY THE TWO TEAMS PLAYING ARE FROM STATES THAT LEGALIZED POT YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE.

Q: How long ago was Janet’s wardrobe malfunction?

A: 10 years.

Q: That’s when I discovered my sexuality.

A: Now I’m sad.

Q: What if I just wanna watch for the commercials?

A: Totally fine! Just make sure to tell everyone that over and over and over during the game and act all annoyed when people cheer.

Q: Have you seen that Budweiser commercial with the puppy?!

A: IT CHANGED ME.

Q: NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME.

A: Good chat.

The Official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game

Finish the keg if that’s your dad.

It is officially Wednesday of Spring Break, and that means that, if you are having a good old staycation, you have been sober for far too long. That’s why Sherman Ave is here to make this Spring Break more fun for you with our official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game! Because, as they say, if you can’t be on vacation for Spring Break, get drunk!

Take one shot anytime one of the following happens:
Every time you find yourself watching an episode of Law and Order SVU
Every time a friend snapchats you a picture from an exotic place
Every time someone asks you what you are doing this year/summer/with your life
Every time you suspect you are the oldest person in a given establishment
Every time your parents ask you if you are seeing someone at school
Every time you finish a pint of ice cream
Every time you get roped into doing chores for your Mom
Every time you fall asleep before 11pm
Every time you watch The Game Show Network by choice
Every time you tell a story about school and omit how drunk/high you were
Every four-hour period you go without wearing pants
Every time you convince your parents to let you drink with dinner
Every time your pale, winter-quarter glow scares someone from home
Every time you revisit The Sims and make them Woo-hoo
Every time you see a FreeCreditReport.com commercial

TWO SHOT BONUSES FOR THE FOLLOWING:
If you realize the closest pot dealer to your house is a junior in high school
If you manage to hook up with the only other person home for spring break at the same time
If you can successfully avoid putting any effort into anything over the week of Spring Break

-Sloppy Burnside