Tag Archives: Pre-gaming Coldstone

Other Rules Made Before Jesus that Evanston Will Enforce

27 Jan

We’ve won! All hail the mighty Morty Schapiro for kicking ass and taking names.

We must now, as a loving community, turn our attention to other antiquated laws which may or may not (I didn’t check) still be on the books today. A New York Times article published Feb. 14, 1922 outlines dire consequences for students failing to follow strict city ordinances.

Max Witower, Justice of the Peace and Sage of Evanston, who decrees what Northwestern University boys and co-eds may not do-and what will happen if they do-today handed down a new decalogue whose ten high crimes and misdemeanors are punishable with a spanking.

Sounds serious.

The rules, designed to apply to all students and just kids, are to be enforced, in the case of masculine offenders, by Policeman Carl Exman and in the case of girls by Policewoman Georgiana Jerell. The minimum spank sentence is five and the maximum twenty-five.

While I imagine about 10 percent (this is Northwestern so make that 40 percent) of the male student population probably wouldn’t mind being forcefully punished by Mr. Hunky-Policeman Carl Exman, the rules indicate a long history of fun-killing at the hands of Evanston city officials. Which horrible offenses will make it difficult for me to sit down for the next week?

Don’t wear “sloppy” (i.e. unbuckled) goloshes.
Don’t swear in public unless 21 or over.
Don’t use cigarettes unless 21 or over.
Don’t spoon in an automobile where the public can see.
Don’t get dormitory decorations by stealing “souvenirs.”
Don’t take some one else’s auto for a joy ride.
Don’t “fly ride” (i.e. ride on running boards, radiator or tire carriers) on automobiles.
Don’t hook bobsleds or sleds on automobiles.
Don’t roller skate in the downtown district.
Don’t be a rowdy in an ice cream parlor.

I’m arguably guilty of six of these, and the city of Evanston is guilty of using “rowdy” in the form of a noun. Point being that if Evanston begins reviving disturbingly outdated and offensive laws, as they are wont to do, we could be in for serious issues.

Want to yell about blowjobs in the streets? Instead of slightly humorous e-mails from Dean of Students Burgwell Howard, you would get slightly less humorous licks of the paddle.

Want to pre-game your next trip to Coldstone Creamery? That’ll be the belt for you.

Like to steal traffic cones and use them to funnel moonshine into your mouth? Might as well cut a switch before you even think about it.

Protect your rights, Northwestern students. Protect your right to spoon wherever the hell you want to spoon. Protect your right to roller skate over little girls on their way to church. Protect your right to wear the sloppiest galoshes you own.

An unknown (honestly not doing research) man once said “Proverbs are the cream of a nation’s thought.” But what is rowdiness except the nation of an ice cream parlor’s proverb? Or something.