(via hexanine.com)
Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you. Continue reading
Best Picture:
Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave
Why: Guiiiiilt trip.
Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”
Best Director:
Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity
Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.
Who Should Win: Continue reading
Best Picture:
(via oscars.org)
The Wolf of Wall Street
Could Be Nominated Because: It’s fuckin’ Scorsese.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Movies involving quaaludes historically do not get nominated for Best Picture (Sorry, Almost Famous, for bringing back bad memories).
Her
Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the first movie that has made technology sexy since Bicentennial Man.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Those high-waisted pants.
The Croods
Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the Citizen Kane of caveman based animated films.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s the only near lock on this list.
42
Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy owes it to the number community.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: The nominations are announced too close to MLK Day, so it won’t be nominated to avoid confusion between the two African American heroes.
Pain & Gain
Could Be Nominated Because: Michael Bay has threatened to give swirlies to every member of The Academy.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season.
R.I.P.D
Could Be Nominated Because: That sweet Macklemore song in the trailer.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Jeff Bridges has exhausted every bit of good will The Academy has given him.
Last Vegas
Could Be Nominated Because: Each of the lead actors gives the best performance of their careers.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Old men are gross.
47 Ronin
Could Be Nominated Because: The trailer looked kind of cool.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s a terrible movie.
Grudge Match
Could Be Nominated Because: Answers the age old questions of “What if they made Rocky Balboa but hilarious?”
Won’t Be Nominated Because: It was written by the guy who created Entourage.
Best Director:
Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave
Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy think the famous tough guy actor has resurrected from the dead and directed a film.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Academy found out that it was just some dude and not the famous tough guy actor who has resurrected from the dead.
Michael Bay – Pain & Gain
Could Be Nominated Because: See above
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bullying is a huge issue in America.
Tyler Perry – Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Could Be Nominated Because: He’s due.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Years of shoving Madea down our throats.
Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders – The Croods
Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the best movie of the year.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: No chance in hell.
Roman Coppola – A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Could Be Nominated Because: Every decade a new Coppola has to be nominated for Best Director.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Sofia Coppola threw a shit fit when Roman was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, and The Academy does not want that again.
Best Actor:
Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort
Could Be Nominated Because: We finally got to see what we wanted all these years: A candle up Leo’s ass.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Not enough cocaine abuse.
Nicolas Cage in The Croods as Grug Crood
Could Be Nominated Because: It was a vocal tour de force.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M
Chadwick Boseman in 42 as Jackie Robinson
Could Be Nominated Because: To anger and confuse 12 Years a Slave fans.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: All of the voters were big fans of the New York Giants.
Arjun Kapoor in Aurangzeb as Ajay / Vishal
Could Be Nominated Because: I guess he was good.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Full disclosure: We copied and pasted the wrong guy and movie.
Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs
Could Be Nominated Because: The telecast needs to bring in the 17 year old girl with bad taste in men demographic.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: We’re not 100% sure that Jobs actually was a real movie.
Best Actress:
Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5 as Jody Sanders
Could Be Nominated Because: We finally get to see a good role for a woman.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: There’s no any performance in this film could live up to Anna Faris’ in Scary Movie 4.
Amy Adams in American Hustle as Sydney Prosser
Could Be Nominated Because: All that side boob.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Hey! Pick an accent!
Sandra Bullock in Gravity as Dr. Ryan Stone
Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy likes seeing a woman in peril.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Ryan Stone is a boys name.
Sarah Wright in 21 & Over as Nicole
Could Be Nominated Because: She holds her own next to the legend, Miles Teller.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one knew this movie has a woman in it.
Emma Stone in The Croods as Eep Crood
Could Be Nominated Because: The Croods can not be stopped.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617MBLj9MSE
Best Supporting Actor:
RZA in G.I Joe: Retaliation as Blind Master
Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy snubbed him for his lived-in performance in Funny People.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Kodak Theatre does not has enough seats for the entire Wu-Tang Clan.
Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips as Abduwali Muse
Could Be Nominated Because: He’s a first time nominee who delivered a smashing performance.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Some of the older voters think that he was a real Somali pirate.
Rob Schneider in InAPPropriate Comedy as Psychologist
Could Be Nominated Because: Hollywood needs to keep this comedy legend relevant.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Vince “The ShamWow Guy” directed this movie.
Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon
Could Be Nominated Because: Many of the voters are huge 30 Seconds to Mars fans.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: This movie wasn’t as good as Tootsie
Ryan Reynolds in The Croods as Guy
Could Be Nominated Because: He had a huge year with both R.I.P.D and The Croods being released and critically lauded.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAI67yP1K0
Best Supporting Actress:
Oprah Winfrey in The Butler as Gloria Gaines
Could Be Nominated Because: The middle aged housewife voting block of The Academy is strong.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one gave a shit about this film.
Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor as Ava
Could Be Nominated Because: Bound 2 video
Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bound 3 video
June Squibb in Nebraska as Kate Grant
Could Be Nominated Because: She had an affair with the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Cheryl Boone Isaacs
Won’t Be Nominated Because: TMZ reports that Squibb broke it off with Cheryl Boone Isaacs recently due to a “cunnilingus incident.”
Heather Graham in The Hangover Part III as Jade
Could Be Nominated Because: She can finally receive recognition for being the moral center of the Hangover series.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: I’m pretty sure no member of The Academy saw this movie.
C. C. H. Pounder in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones as Madame Dorothea
Could Be Nominated Because: I mean, it’s a pretty funny name to say. Just imagine her name being said during the telecast and try not to chuckle.
Won’t Be Nominated Because: She has yet to reveal what C.C.H means. And until she does SHE WILL WATCH THE OSCAR TELECAST FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolf Blitzer can't stop trimming his beard in anticipation.
OHIO
I’ll be honest. Most of my knowledge regarding the state of Ohio comes from either Bristol Bacchus or Cleveland jokes. But if this state thought that it would be a good idea to induct the Beastie Boys and Neil Diamond into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then I’m not sure how well I can trust the judgment of its citizens. The race between Santorum and Romney might be more unpredictable than a LeBron James televised announcement, but I think Romney pulls ahead after he is quoted at a campaign stop admitting that, like LeBron, he’s working on an autobiography but just can’t come up with a title.
GEORGIA
At the time of me writing this post, the New York Times has already called Georgia in favor of Gingrich with less than 1% of the polls reporting. Which is a relief, as it saves me the time of having to come up with jokes about Sherman’s March to the Sea, Coca-Cola, peaches, or how the 76 delegates up for grabs seems like a remarkably similar figure to what I assume the ex-Congressman’s BMI looks like.
OMG guyzzz y doesnt nybody lyke me??!?
ALASKA
After ringing endorsements from Balto and Jewel, Ron Paul carries the Alaska primary by appealing to voters’ enthusiasm for legalized weed to help get through the winter and increase appreciation for the Northern Lights. Rumors abound that Gingrich promised to “drill baby drill” Sarah Palin if he was victorious, but are dismissed by Newt as a smear campaign invented by the devious liberal media hell-bent on distracting the American people from the real issues at stake in this election.
MASSACHUSETTS
In a surprise upset, Governor Romney arrives in a time machine from 2003 to defeat the current conservative incarnation of Mitt. The 2003 Romney also extols on the virtues of comprehensive health care, the success of the invasion of Iraq, and the musical brilliance of Evanescence.
IDAHO
What’s bland, white, and favored by many Irish Catholics? The Republican Party! Also, potatoes. Seeing that Idaho has a lot of both, I predict that a bland white Republican will win the Idaho caucus. Or maybe just a really fat potato dressed in a suit that many voters mistake for Newt Gingrich.
NORTH DAKOTA
North Dakota sucks so much, it’s developed an inferiority complex towards its neighbor to the South whose main claims to fame include a palace made of corn and a brief cameo appearance in North by Northwest. The state’s main exports are natural gas, lonesome prairie wind, tumbleweed, and depression. Even the nuclear missile silos left as soon as humanly possible. Like my seventh-grade self at the middle school dance, North Dakota’s willing to devote itself entirely to the first poor soul who shows it a shred of interest. All Romney has to do is show up and call North Dakota within the next three days to seal the deal.*
Pyrotechnics would really bolster his campaign stops
VERMONT
So long as the citizens of Vermont can find enough time to vote in between their busy schedule of wearing flannel, tapping for maple syrup, and not showering, I bet they go with the pride and joy of the Northeast, Scott Brown.
VIRGINIA
Considering Rick Santorum’s penchant for desperately holding on to socially conservative values that went out of vogue in the 1960s, the former Senator’s statement that Chief Justice Warren’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia “makes me want to spew some sort of vile amalgamation of vomit, semen, feces, and bile out of every orifice possible,” provides the essential vitriol necessary to win this key swing state despite not even making it on the ballot.
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*Imagine, if you will, the charming Mitt Romney sauntering up to North Dakota, standing in the corner looking forlornly at all the cool kids being courted by swarthy Super PACs, and asking it to slow dance with him while Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” plays in the background. I bet North Dakota would immediately take Romney home to Fargo and let him frack her all night.
Sherman Ave 