Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even

NATO Sends in Morty to Capture Qaddafi

Able to kill a man with just the touch of his beard

In an effort to solidify rebel control over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi.

Although Dr. Schapiro was not available to comment due to a rumored chess-boxing match against Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, NATO officials expressed their confidence that the grizzled superhero of Evanston could bring the Libyan dictator to justice.

Admiral Giampaolo Di Paola, Chairman of the NATO Military Committee, praised Morty Schapiro — who can name all 31 alternate spellings of the Colonel’s name in 23 seconds — as, “The greatest hope for the Libyan rebellion since the beginning of NATO involvement. At first we considered hunting down Qaddafi with NATO intelligence, reconnaissance assets, and air power, but then we were like

‘Ah, fuck it. Why spend billions of dollars trying to find one measly psychopathic tyrant in the godforsaken desert when we could just send in the single most feared and respected man in the planet to get the job done?”

Military experts around the world have voiced their support for calling in the greatest tactical weapon the United States has possessed since the development of nuclear weapons.

Upon hearing the news, Colonel Qaddafi peed himself. Twice.

“Once Morty’s combat boots hit the ground in Libya, I’d give Qaddafi about 20 minutes until he meets his demise at the sturdy hands of Northwestern’s fierce commander,” said United States Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding, “President Obama and I also have complete faith that Morty will be able to consolidate rebel control over the rest of Libya, set up a stable transitional government in Tripoli, bring freedom of speech to China, improve the American credit rating to an AAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++ rating, and seduce the entire U.S. Women’s national soccer team before returning home Sunday evening to prepare for the coming school year.”

The NATO announcement also served as a significant morale boost for rebel troops. “Aw HELLZ YEAH!” proclaimed rebel leader Mahmoud Jabril. “We have heard of this man’s deeds all the way in Benghazi. Is it really true that he once arranged a packet full of M&Ms in alphabetical order?”

This will not be the first time that Morty has been deployed to bring peace and justice to the world. Previous missions involving the rugged university President include commanding the SEAL Team Six unit that launched a successful raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, invading the island nation of Grenada in 1983 with nothing but his smile and a corkscrew, and the infamous 1978 University of Pennsylvania panty raid.