Romney: Women deserve the freedom to be told what to do with their bodies

“This is, after all, the 21st century, isn’t it?”

Horses are Dicks

Until campus Jesus lovers started exhibiting their support for a McCormick Senior, the ASG elections were the biggest event on campus. Candidates’ names were bandied about, sidewalks were chalked, and some people got really self-righteous about whether or not I should vote.

I voted for Batman, so I guess it turns out I shouldn’t.

I’m afraid to say that I simply couldn’t muster the will to care about the elections. Sure, expression and campus-wide improvements are important, but none of the candidates touched on the issue I really care about: Horses.

Way to mess up the photo, fuckface

That’s right. Horses. Specifically how much I fucking hate horses. I want a politician who can step up and do something about this equine menace, and since it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to do it, the burden falls to me. I am taking this moment to formally announce my candidacy for next year’s ASG presidential election.

My platform is simple, fuck horses. Now, I’m sure a lot of you out there are thinking, “Sad Bones, this is crazy, why do you hate horses so much?” A valid question, hypothetical reader. Let me break it down for you.

1. Horses are Lazy
Did you know that horses have four legs? That’s twice as many legs as people have. And yet, horses make up 0% of the United States’ GDP. Talk about a waste of legs, am I right? Horses are lazy assholes. Which brings me to my second point.

2. Horses are Assholes
Did you know that the Mongol Horde couldn’t have existed without horses? It’s true. Ghenghis Khan would have stopped his terrifying death march a few weeks in because his legs would be “tired as shit.” Wow horses, way to enable atrocities. You guys are dicks.

And did you know that horses kill more people per year than any other thing on Earth?  It’s true, according to the lie I just told.  But horses aren’t content with simple murder; they’ll stoop to even more subtle levels of fuckery.  When I was a kid I tried to ride a horse once. I fell off its back and the asshole just kept trotting along, like I wasn’t even there.  On a personal note, if you’re out there reading this Chestnut, I hate you and every time I use glue I hope it’s you.

Nice job, genius

3. Horses are stupid and take our jobs
Pound-for-Pound, horses are some of the worst students in the United States. They have the lowest standardized test scores of any demographic group outside of Arizona. Yet due to powerful pro-equine lobbyists (thanks OBAMA) millions of equally qualified human haulers and laborers will be put out of work by horses this year. Horses take our jobs, then don’t even pay taxes. There are currently 5.3 million horses living in the United States. Also the economy is bad. Coincidence? Probably. But still, fuck horses.

4. Horses are fat, and shit everywhere
An average horse weighs between 900 and 1100 pounds. Jesus, talk about letting themselves go. I wouldn’t hang out with a person who weighed that much, mostly because I’d be afraid they’d roll over and crush me.

Additionally, horses shit everywhere. Now, when I shit everywhere, it’s a problem and things like “the police” and “the law” and “charges for public indecency” get involved. But when horses do it, it’s no problem. I don’t know why. Horses poop way more than I do. If anything, horses should get a way stricter punishment for shitting in random places than people receive. I guess its just another way horses have subverted our legal systems.

5. Horses think they’re people
Horses live in stables, which are like special houses for horses, and they wear shoes. Next thing we know horses are going to be getting married and serving in the military (an especially likely outcome, with Blockbuster propaganda like Warhorse). We let this spiral out of control and we’ll have horses raising our kids, and fucking our wives (something our wives will allow, since by definition their equine-paramours will be hung like horses). We can’t allow horses to be put on the same plane, much less bed, as people.

“Dave, I’m leaving you for Chestnut. We’re running away together. You can run after us, but you’ll never catch us, because Chestnut is a goddamn horse.”

Listen, I could literally talk to you all day about the reasons why horses are terrible. Like the fact that their kids are called foals, which kind of sounds like “foul,” which is apt, because that’s exactly what they are. Or I could talk about how horses are racist. Huge fucking racists. When was the last time you saw a black person on a horse? Like never. You think that’s an accident? Fuck no. Horses just hate black people. That’s classic horses.

So we’ve established that horses are terrible. We’ve established that they’re a threat to our very way of life, and we’ve established that I’m a candidate who won’t stand for horse’s horseshit. Will I provide more outdoor lighting for the school? Hell no. Will I decrease safe ride wait times? No. Will I make sure that horses stay the hell out of Northwestern and encourage the University to use as much glue as possible? Yes. That much I can do.

So remember next election day, a vote for me is a vote against horses. And a vote against horses is a vote for a better tomorrow.

Love a Random State: Ohio

I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.

The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland

1. Ohio is the 7th largest state by population.
Cincinnati is the 61st largest city in the nation by population.* Being mediocrely medium-sized takes all the pressure off being big. We may not have the hustle and bustle of New York or the flotsam and jetsam of Chicago, but we sure do have a lot of wide open spaces and corn. This makes for some great middle school field trips, like visiting an Amish farm and learning how to properly milk a cow or taking a spin on a tea-cup-death-trap-vomit-inducing ride while eating a stick of deep-fried butter at the local carnival.

2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.

3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).

O-hi-OH!!!!

4. Ohio is beautiful.
OK, maybe just Halle Berry is. Halle Berry was Miss Ohio 1986. At 19, Halle managed to lock down a state title and first runner-up for the Miss USA pageant. Pretty badass, Ms. Berry.

5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.

6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?

7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?

8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.

9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)

Take a trip back in time

10. We have one of the largest Amish populations in the country.
Amish people are badass. Love the Amish, and eat their chicken; it’s free-range!

Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.

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*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter