Sexist Poker

Dear Friends,

He at least could have shaved his armpits

On April 21st, I saw something I was not supposed to see. As I was walking through the frat quad to purchase some hummus at Lisa’s, a high-pitched noise befell upon my ears. As I furtively peeped in the windows of the offending house to find out what it was, I saw inside some dress-up games being played by a group of male Northwestern students. I later learned that this was a strip poker tournament, which typically involves groups of men using their poker skills and the game’s rules to induce the clothing removal of somewhat intoxicated women.

But what I saw Saturday afternoon was really just the “Sexist Poker Tournament.” In this house were at least 50 students, all representing some demographic of women. There were sexy housemaids, sexy flappers, sexy hippies, sexy pirate lasses, sexy nurses, sexy Disney princesses, sexy pioneers, and one feeble attempt to emulate Mila Kunis in Black Swan. There were so many sexually appealing women in that room that I considered dropping my skirt to make a “sexy nudist” costume, crashing in, and being a lesbian for the night. Then I remembered that this was a fraternity and there was a small floppy penis underneath Mila’s tutu.

This idea sounds.... intriguing.

The sickening noise I had heard came from several Katy Perry impersonators who were attempting a rendition of “The One That Got Away,” which unintentionally borrowed elements from a 12-tone piece by Schoenberg that I think I once heard in a foreign horror film. All of the students were dressed up in short skirts, high heels, makeup, excessively padded bras, sequins, glitter, and other stereotypical female garb (the overwhelming majority of women do not wear any of these on a regular basis, but rather legging-pants and a DM t-shirt). The annoying squeals of delight, the sexualizing of sluts at the expense of normal women everywhere, and the sheer number of applications of the word “adorbz” was sickening and traumatizing. This is a brutal incident that has imposed upon the various female communities on campus. This was an act of violence.

The fraternity cannot be identified at the moment due to privacy issues, but they have issued this statement:

“Religion and race have been an issue this quarter, but nobody’s done anything controversial involving gender. We wanted to give everyone an equal opportunity to be offended.”

In other news, Sigma Phi has announced that their next fundraiser will support the Women’s Center.

10 Cartoon Characters We Can’t Help but be Attracted To

It’s not too weird that sometimes we’re sexually attracted to the cartoon characters from our childhood, is it? Come on, let’s be honest here. Who hasn’t fascinated about Bill from that one Schoolhouse Rock episode? Or paused a game of Super Smash Bros to engage in a lengthy discussion about how hot Princess Peach is. Even Marge Simpson has been portrayed as a devilishly alluring MILF from time to time. We believe that instead of hiding our fascination with these alluring animations, we should instead celebrate just how seductively captivating certain cartoons can be. So here is our list of the Top Ten Most Attractive Cartoon Characters of All Time.

Yeah he's fixing a hole. In my heart.

10. Paul McCartney, in “Yellow Submarine”
Maybe it’s just our general affection for the Lady-killer of Liverpool, or maybe it was just the general mood of “Yellow Submarine,” but McCartney’s cartoon visage would definitely have us shouting “Oh! Darling!.” We’re still not sure what the hell The Beatles were thinking when they made that film, but boy are we glad that Paul’s animated visage ended up being so psychedelically ravishing. Who wouldn’t want to do it on the road with Cartoon Paul?

Yet another red-head who's way too hot for a Ron

9. Kim Possible
Few women kick as much bad-guy ass, sport as luscious red hair, tackle the every day problems of average teenagers, or possess such surprisingly pointy zoomazooms as Kim Possible. Whether protecting the world from the sinister plots of Doctor Drakken or simply stumbling through 10th grade with Ron Stoppable, Kim’s always going to have a special place in our hearts. Also, although he vigorously denies it, secretly Rufus totally tapped that.

Surprisingly, the phrase "Hey there, pretty moma" does not have the intended effect on most women

8. Johnny Bravo
Oh Johnny. Guys want to be you. Girls want to get with you. The pompadour hairstyle is undeniably irresistible, and his Elvis-like croon could win over even the coldest of ladies. As if that weren’t enough, the incredibly quick movements and bulging biceps of Johnny B., not to mention stellar dancing skills, usually sealed the deal. The venerable Cartoon Network might seem underrepresented on this list, but Mr. Bravo is easily the hunkiest creation ever to grace the station and our hearts.

Why can't cartoon characters like her interract with humans in real life!?

7. Jessica Rabbit
Sure, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is pretty important and all for bringing about the reemergence of interest in animation into the modern film era and some other junk about Disney Renaissance and stuff. But dude, did you see how freaking sultry Jessica Rabbit is!? We still have no clue how Disney let the movie get away with creating one of the most famous animated sex symbols of all time, but can we really complain? Her rendition of “Why Don’t You Do Right?” is fiendishly bewitching, and her quotation “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way,” gets us every damn time. If her main rational behind her love for her husband Roger Rabbit was simply because “he makes me laugh,” then we think it’s about time she started looking around for a new lover. Perhaps she should check out one of the hottest and humorous blogs on the interwebs? Aww, who are we kidding. She’d probably go for those douches over at Cracked anyways.

Part-wolf, part-dog, all-heartbreaker

6. Balto
Sure, he’s a dog. Which means that not only are we salivating over an animated character, but also committing mental bestiality. Would the proper wombination be cartoonality? But so what, Balto’s a fox (metaphorically. Everybody knows he’s half-Siberian husky). And anybody who’s willing to save children from a diphtheria epidemic in Nome, hang around two polar bears voiced by Phil Collins, and fight a grizzly bear to protect his love-interest Jenna already has the keys to our heart. Also, finding Balto’s statue in Central Park (which features a surprisingly large appendage) may or may not be one of the most exciting things to ever happen to a person in New York City.

Think her and Aladdin ever did it on the flying carpet?

5. Princess Jasmine
Few Disney Princesses have been as devastatingly seductive as Princess Jasmine. Not sure who’s the luckiest, the city of Agrabah for thriving under her mesmeric presence, Aladdin for experiencing the full extent of her crop topped and harem panted beauty, or her pet tiger, who’s, well, a freaking pet tiger. Raven-haired and stunningly elegant, her physical charm is undeniable. But it’s her curiosity, courage, cleverness, and vigorous sense of adventure, unprecedented in other Disney Princesses, that augments her alluring physique and turns her into one of the most attractive animated characters of all time. Also, if we were ever so fortunate as to marry her, we could totally wear that ridiculous Sultan hat all the time, and our life would be awesome.

Stoop Kid was runner-up in a fiercely contested debate

4. Gerald Johanssen
Few cartoon characters have been as freaking cool as Gerald was for the entirety of Hey Arnold! Nobody can combine street smarts, popularity (he was class president), and genuine personality quite like Gerald can. His crush on Phoebe be damned, we’ve always fantasized about him whispering his catchphrase “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” into our ear (“You’re a bold kid” would be alright too). We also wouldn’t mind a tryst with his bad-boy older brother Jamie Johanssen, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is that Gerald is a perfect crystallization of all our desires in cartoon form. Although if we ever suggested we invite Arnold to join us in our sexual endeavors, we’d have no choice but to leave him lickety freaking split.

Splooge

3. Lana Kane
International spy? Check. Unbridled wit and intellect? Check. Big hands? Check. The international spy community seems to produce a disproportionate amount of exceedingly beautiful female agents. But Lana is in a category of her own. ISIS just wouldn’t be the same without her, and few women can make killing a man in Tunisia so risque.

Golden fur + auburn mane = HAWT!!!

2. Simba
He’s beautiful. He’s spunky. His voice is sexy. He’s heroic. He bitch-slapped Jeremy Irons, which takes balls. He’s a king of everything the light touches. Any possible children will have an awesome naming fiesta. He’s brave, deep-voiced, mighty, and has great hair. Sure, he might have some Daddy issues, but those can be ironed out. Also, it’s worth noting that Nala was pretty smoking too. These lions sure know what’s up.

(additional consultation from CAK and EH)

Bugs is a lucky bunny.

1. Lola Bunny
Perhaps it’s just because Space Jam was such an astoundingly awesome movie of our childhood, but Lola easily seemed like the most natural choice for the most attractive cartoon character of all time. She’s unbelievably voluptuous for a bunny, but what makes her so freaking seductive is her basketball skills. An essential asset for the Tiny Toons in their unexpected victory over the Monstars, Lola is 3’2″ of pure animated beauty. Nuff said.