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Tag Archives: Professor John Michael Bailey

525,600 p-trips: A look back at Year 1 of the Shermanavian Calendar

26 Jan

We hear founding stories and histories almost every day – “George Washington won this battle,” “Paul Revere made that ride,” “Thomas Jefferson boinked those slaves,” etc.  But today’s founding story is something much more substantial and heroic than most.  So squeeze yourself into that zebra-print speedo, pour yourself a quad-shot of Jameson, and take a seat, because TODAY IS SHERMAN AVE’S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

Look away, Winnie the Pooh. You don't want to see this.

We all remember our first birthday.  Actually, none of us remember our first birthday, but we’ve always just assumed that it consisted primarily of cupcakes and self-defecation.  And here at Sherman Ave, we intend to celebrate our birthday in the same way.  But instead of cupcakes, we have strippers, and instead of self-defecation, we have…wait, just kidding, we will definitely have self-defecation.

However, since our readers span far and wide and not all of them can come celebrate our anniversary with us, we want to celebrate with our readers by reflecting on Sherman Ave’s first year.  Thus, without any further ado, I present to you:  An exhaustive timeline of Sherman Ave’s history!

C. 10,000 BC:  Archaeological evidence points to the first alcoholic beverages.  Although it came about several millennia before any of Sherman Ave writers squirmed out of the womb, this invention would greatly motivate, inspire, and ultimately humiliate the writing staff.

July 2, 1776:  The Declaration of Independence is signed, establishing America’s separation from the pretentious twattitude of the British Empire.  This country would go on not only to host the birth of every Sherman Ave writer (with the exception of Señorita Margarita Puñeta Fellatiata, who was obviously born in Egypt), but the core values of free speech, free press, and free heinousness would create a fostering environment for Sherman Ave.

He's wearing the Demos jersey only as an admirable form of self-discipline.

December 16, 2008:  Morton O. Schapiro is named the 16th president of Northwestern University.  At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple attire, his supreme lordship over the Evanston City Council, and, of course, his massive, massive dong.

October 14, 2010:  On this fateful evening in Evanston, Illinois, Ross Packingham and Evander Jones meet in a way that only true heroes do:  Drunkenly skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan and subsequently running from the police.

January 26, 2011:   Sherman Ave is founded.  What began with a review of an awesome rap hit single would soon evolve into the biggest power-trip that has graced the world since Idi-Amin was in power.

February 14, 2011:  Rebecca Black’s viral music video, “Friday,” is released on YouTube.  While the song wouldn’t go viral for a few more weeks, its existence aided and perpetuated the kind of rampant heinousness to which Sherman Ave dedicates itself.

February 21, 2011:   Professor John Michael Bailey rocks/vibrates/indefinitely turns off the Northwestern student body with a sexual demonstration involving a fucksaw.  While no member of Sherman Ave has yet been fucksawed (“yet” being the operative word – President’s Day is often a gamechanger), this incident was basically a gift to Sherman Ave, and we have made a concerted effort to reference fucksaws in every article we possibly can.

Getting fucksawed? Or having sex dreams about Sherman Ave?

March 28, 2011:  Sir Edward Twattingworth III posts an article about a recent experience encountering Our Lord and Savior Morty Schapiro in Paris.  This event would become something about which Sir T-Worth power-trips on an hourly basis.

July 1-3, 2011:  Evander Jones, Blaise Bernard, Ross Packingham, Sir Twattingworth, Ginger LeatherDream, and their friend Jessica go to Michigan to enjoy a leisurely weekend and soulful celebration of America’s independence.  What resulted from this gathering was exactly what one would expect:

  • ·         A three hour time period spent heavily intoxicated in a 100-degree barn
  • ·         Recreation of classic American art
  • ·         A photograph of Ross Packingham and Evander Jones emulating Jack and Rose from “Titanic”
  • ·         Blaise Bernard wielding a butcher’s knife and preparing dinner, despite her inability to form coherent sentences
  • ·         Vomit
  • ·         The emergence of the word “heinous”

Ross Packingham non-verbally proclaims his love for patriotic cookie cakes.

August 10, 2011:  Evander Jones begins the Sherman Ave Freshman Guide – a series of articles that would corrupt freshmen from all walks of life, and also (more importantly) help Sherman Ave get off the ground by appealing exclusively to an alcohol-deprived demographic.

October 25, 2011:  Generation II takes its place, as Sherman Ave brings on seven new writers.  Sadly, the writers did not know at that point that they were only entering a long and grueling initiation process which may or may not have included facial contact with a 14-inch gummy worm dildo.

January 24, 2012:  Ross Packingham and Evander Jones submit paperwork for what many call an “apartment”; the request would probably not be processed if the landlord had even the slightest notion of what is implied by “Sherman Ave Headquarters.”

Morty, Sherman Ave's communal pet.

January 26, 2012:   Sherman Ave turns one.  Not a big deal or anything.  OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, WE’RE GOING TO BE POWER-TRIPPING RELENTLESSLY FOR ETERNITY.

Thanks for a great year, readers.  We’ll continue to supply you all with articles, as long as you continue to supply us with narcissistic validation.  Happy birthday!!!

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For Whom the Fucksaw Drilldos

3 Mar

It is oddly refreshing to not have to hyperbolize a situation in order to bring out its humor. The recent events surrounding Professor John Michael Bailey, his Human Sexuality course, and one high-powered sex toy has become a comedic gift that keeps on giving.

More sex-machine than sex-toy

Thanks to the Daily Northwestern’s article published last Tuesday, the incident, which occurred on February 21st, has once more thrust Northwestern University into the national spotlight.

The optional presentation last Monday, attended by about 120 students, featured a naked non-student woman being repeatedly sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm by the sex toy, referred to as a “fucksaw.” The device is essentially a motorized phallus.

The presentation on kink and fetish was one of numerous optional after-lecture sessions in Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, which repeatedly penetrates the depths of human sexuality in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of the human condition. In an attempt to prove that the female orgasm was a real phenomenon (a worthy goal, considering that no woman has ever experienced a true orgasm until she spends a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Sherman Ave resident sexpert Norman Stein), the presenters Jim Marcus, Faith Kroll, and Ken Melvoin-Berg did what any reasonable human being would do in the situation:

Marcus pulled out a mechanized power tool with a dildo in place of the saw, and began going to town on his naked fiance Kroll in front of about 120 psych students, all while Melvoin-Berg loudly narrated into the microphone. Friend of the Ave Sean Lavery, who witnessed the event, said, “It shocked me. Immediately I got on Facebook. Like, wow, there’s a girl being penetrated right in front of me.” Lucky Sean.

Jim Marcus and Faith Kroll, presumably after a routine fucksawing

Ever since the Daily Northwestern published its article about the incident, the national news media has gotten more stirred up about it than a roomful of randy archaeologists watching pterodactyl porn (Google it if you must. We’ve ruffled too many feathers to worry about linking to porn on this website as well). While local reporters swarmed into Evanston, national publications like Newsweek, Gawker, Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, and even the BBC ran articles about the demonstration in Bailey’s class. Not bad for a school whose past national scandals include drunk undergrads yelling at bible-thumpers about bl**jobs, blackface Halloween parties, and Chet Haze.

According to Professor Bailey,

“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but watching naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you.”

Watching naked people on stage might not hurt you, but getting fired sure can


He may not rhyme, he might claim that transgender men are driven by erotic fascination rather than biological desire, and he did allow for a woman to be repeatedly penetrated by a fucksaw on the same stage that Professor Morson uses for to lecture on Tolstoy and that multiple performance groups use for shows. But he never crossed a line, although he did walk right up the line and shake his ridiculous motorized sex toy at it. In a class devoted to educating students on the whole spectrum of human sex, how can an optional post-lecture session that is no less graphic than certain visual components of Bailey’s class be viewed as harmful?

Still, it’s pretty hilarious that a chick got drilldo’d live on stage.