US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

The Real Reasons Job Interviewers Want Your Facebook Password

I was just wondering if you could explain why you like "I hate it when I walk outside and a polar bear bites my dick off."

There’s been a lot of recent controversy recently about interviewers requesting Facebook passwords from potential employees. Something about Congress vetoing things and privacy issues and not getting jobs and stuff. It’s all a lie. Here are the real reasons potential employers want access to your private life.

1. They Want to Change Your Profile Picture
So there’s that awful picture of you in the 3rd block of DM that you marked “remove from profile,” because you and those tagged look like The International Mouthbreathing Competition and a psychopathic Indian serial killer.

That’s gonna be your profile picture when they get their wet, salty hands on your password.

They’re not gonna bother with your status. If your potential employer wanted to, they’d just ask you to leave your laptop open for a moment while you got them coffee, kissed their ass, provided them with sexual favors, or all of the above at once to test your multitasking abilities. And they don’t give a shit if your birthday’s tomorrow, next month, or Leap Day.

No, they need the extra time to scroll left through the kissyfaced disposable camera photo shoots back when you and your friends thought you were cool because you had just gotten a Facebook, gratuitous senior prom pictures, and all of the PWild photos of greasy people wearing fleece and beanies standing on mountains no one gives a flying fuck about. Then they’re gonna find and publicize the era when you’d changed your braces’ brackets to your school colors for eighth grade graduation.

2. They’re Changing Your Information
Again, changing statuses is too easy. Employers want to showcase their creativity by changing your hometown to “Penisi” and your relationship status to “it’s complicated” with the Facebook made for your friend’s stuffed animal penguin (who you keep in close contact with). They’ll probably “like” the company page, to boost their numbers. They might subscribe to updates from Nickelback, or add their band to your pages.  If they’re feeling zany, they could change the language to the one you were “fluent in” on your job application, and watch your casually frantic struggle to change it back. Or they could just keep it in Pirate.

3. They want you to accept their friend request and “like” all their updates, because nobody else does
Guys, we should pity them. Poor lonely employer hackers.

4. You’re friends with Sir Twattingworth, and they want access to his family photos.
And by family photos, they mean his mom.

I mean, I was really excited that one day the CIA would wiretap me only to find that my conversations consist of phone calls home to discuss the dog’s new haircut.* But potential employers intercepting my latest private message to my boyfriend, which consists of “this might be us” accompanied by a meme about overuse of the snooze button?

America, this might have gone too far.

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*I call home on bad days so I can pretend that this happens.

The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit

I’ll be the first one to admit that I love Facebook.  I love Facebook in a manner that many wouldn’t describe as “platonic.”  I love intently scrolling down my newsfeed and discovering every minute detail of all the incredibly heinous people I know.  I love clicking through photo albums and practically becoming vicariously intoxicated through them.  I especially love defriending annoying people from my high school after they post the 30th consecutive status posting lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song.  However, a few years ago, my utopian virtual community was greatly endangered when my parents invited themselves into it.  Mom and Dad, I love you both very much, but here’s what it boils down to:  If you were alive when Nikita Khrushchev took office, you’re too old to understand the basic inner workings of social networks.  Thus, without further ado, I present:  The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit.

"Wow, she's taking four at once!"

3. The Weird Profile Picture

I don’t know what it is about being born during the Eisenhower administration that makes the concept of a profile picture so difficult for older people to grasp, but it’s seriously becoming an issue. Part of the problem is that our nation’s soon-to-be social security recipients have managed to bastardize the sanctity of the profile picture in such a wide variety of ways.  The first infraction is the “Family Member” pic, in which a geriatric friend’s profile picture is a picture of his or her son, daughter, spouse, or something of the sort.  While this gesture is meant endearingly about 90% of the time (the other 10% is just old guys trying to make themselves seem younger so they can pick up cheap elderly floozies), it still adds confusion to the chaotic fuckshow that Facebook already is.  Another infraction of Prof-Pic etiquette is the “Doppelgänger” pic – an approach that gets old after about a week and only works if it’s a good doppelgänger.  (Side note:  I’m not putting an umlaut over the “a” in doppelgänger.  My computer is doing it for me.  I’m not that pretentious.  I also have a very serious personal aversion to umlauts.)  The doppelgänger approach is very proudly employed by my parents, or as strangers might know them, Lou Reed and Doris Day.  The third infraction is the “What the fuck” profile picture, in which the picture is something that literally could not make less sense.  Examples of this infraction include the planet Saturn, a garden hose, and a dead fish.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T AT ALL.

2.  The Oblivious Comment

The only thing worse than old people being socially oblivious on their own Facebook pages is when their unawareness inevitably encroaches onto your Facebook page.  Old people have a tendency to make the most awkward and unfitting comments on statuses, wall posts, and pictures.  For example, I recently posted a link to Manua Hiki-Hiki’s Small Penis Rule article on my Facebook page, seeing as the central tenet of the Sherman Ave code is that shameless self-promotion is a must.  My step-father wasted no time in commenting: “Somehow, without even reading the byline, Pete, I knew this was you.”  Yep.  A small penis joke made at my expense.  By my step-father.  If that isn’t heinous, I’ve truly lost my grip on reality.  (On the bright side, a few years ago when he thought it would be appropriate to imply that one of my statuses was about masturbation, he at least had the good sense to message me his atrociously unfunny joke instead of posting it for the world to see.)  What’s even funnier is when older folks comment on a picture and fail to pick up on the fact that everyone in the picture is unreasonably intoxicated.  Comments like “Sitting down in the middle of Sheridan is unsafe!” or “Why are those cups arranged in a triangle?” never fail to bring unprecedented levels of discomfort to Facebook albums.

1.  Sincerity

A prime example of the atrocities that Facebook begets.

I honestly don’t understand what isn’t clear about this fact: Facebook is not about sincerity.  Facebook is not about congratulating people on achievements, expressing genuine interest in their lives, or sharing legitimate ideas.  It’s called Facebook, not Church Fucking Picnic.  Facebook is a never-ending competition to be the most obnoxious person you can be.  Facebook is about recording videos of someone sitting next to you in lecture and posting it to their wall.  Facebook is about finding a picture of a young Sir Twattingworth III and posting it on the walls of 35 friends.  Facebook is about posting the link to a Sporcle quiz on a friend’s wall to implicitly indicate that you aced the quiz and will subsequently power-trip about it.  Facebook is about finding your way into the Notre Dame Class of 2015 Facebook group and ruining it.  And as long as gerontology study subjects fail to realize the unthinkable heinousness of Facebook, they will be forever tainting it (lol) with their old person sincerity and awkwardness.

My 15 Minute Stand With Morty Schapiro in Paris

By now, if you Facebook stalk me to the extent I expect, you know that something magical happened in Paris this past spring break. Something greater than Florida State’s Cinderella run to the Sweet Sixteen. Something even greater than Whoopi Goldberg telling Donald Trump to STFU. Something outside of my wildest dreams. I’m referring, of course, to the time I spent with Morty “The Fucking Legend” Schapiro in the City of Lights.

It seemed like a regular Parisian afternoon. I guess that’s how these things usually go. I was walking with my parents up to the Louvre after having lunch at a café in the Tuilleries. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of purple.