Sherman Ave’s Prospie Guide

Hey there, Prospie!

Yes, you with the purple folder! Now that you’ve been waitlisted from Stanford admitted to Northwestern and probably some other places not worth mentioning, you sure have a tough choice ahead of you. Boy, this is probably the hardest decision you’ve had to make since choosing which AP classes to take! Haha aren’t we so relatable to the high school demographic? Anyways, now that we’ve won you over with our topical humor and you’re done being assaulted by every student group on campus at the activities fair—which Sherman Ave would never do to you because the university (justifiably) refuses to recognize us as an official student group so we aren’t allowed to have a booth we are considerate—you’re probably overwhelmed and looking for some guidance. Are all the schools you’re choosing between blending together? Don’t you wish someone would be honest with you about what life is really like at Northwestern? Buck up, lil prospie, that’s what big bro Sherman Ave is here for. We’ll be honest with you to the point where you

Freshman Launches “March Through Her Arch” To Convince Prospies To Commit To NU

Earlier this week, freshman Hailey Sutten reported an estimated 2000 male students from the class of 2018 have pledged to apply to Northwestern early decision due to  her sexual generosity. Sutten, a Biology major with a focus in anatomy, created the prospective student program March through Her Arch earlier this month in hopes of recruiting students who are aroused, yet curious, at the idea of attending Northwestern.

The Most Deranged Email From Morty You Will Ever Read

I don’t give a flying fuck if you go to PTI about me. I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rougher fucking ride than your last lonely Friday with your fucksaw.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under the Rock, which apparently is the majority of this organization, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of tour guide stories and general social interactions with prospies. I’ve been getting emails on emails about tour guides LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “Oh em gee Morty, I’ve been having so much fun telling all my tours about the fabulous faculty on campus during Wildcat days!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

Five Things to NOT DO with Your Prospective Student

For the love of God, don't show them your fucksaw.

So my roommate decided to take on the task of having a prospective student aka “prospie” stay with us for part of a week. Luckily, we didn’t pick her up until Sunday, so the debauchery of the weekend was (mostly) behind us.

But quite frankly, the idea of having to take a prospie under my wing for more than 10 minutes scares the fuck out of me. Quite honestly, I question my ability to stay composed for more than an hour or two at a time. Instead of getting the high schooler drunk in a frat basement, I composed a list of things not to do with your prospie. Good luck and try not to let the kid die…

1. DO NOT allude to your promiscuous nature
This one hits close to home. Imagine being a smart, practical, religious young’un itching to go to college and your find out that the student you paired with is a raging whore. My roommate, a friend down the hall, and I once stole an exit sign from a now-closed fraternity (R.I.P.*) and have turned it into a glory board of former hookups and indiscretions. However, that piece of obscene plastic is now locked safe and sound in my file cabinet**. Don’t want to scare the poor kid off.

2. DO NOT blackout
Sure, your prospective student wants to witness Northwestern’s social scene firsthand. And yeah, maybe you want to take the little one to a shindig of sorts (avoid the douchey frats, for the love of god). However, a sloppy drunk fuck is never attractive. No senior in high school wants to wake up in a stranger’s room to you yelling “What the fack happened last night?!? Lyke 0Mg I ju$t found 5 dollerz in my boobie!” Cut the kid some slack and be somewhat responsible for like 3 days. I know you can do it.

3. DO NOT abandon them in the steam tunnels/frat quads/Plex
After you abandon these poor National Merit Scholars, I can only assume they will go home with daddy issues and want to sleep with every person they meet. They’ll look like they were beaten (these locations can be dangerous***) and their parents will want to have you arrested. Just don’t leave them alone for long, unsupervised stretches.

4. DO NOT take them to the library
Listen, your “prospie” isn’t coming here to fucking read a book while you study for your next Gender Studies paper. I know you don’t fucking do your homework til the night before, anyways, so put off some of that shit and be cool so your prospie wants to come here. Take them into Evanston and show them all of its glory.… and try not to suck.

Allowing them to slap the bag for any longer than 35 seconds is unacceptable.

5. DO NOT do anything else you normally do
I can’t seem to think of another thing not to do with your prospie other than small things such as: throw up on them, listen to Chet Haze 24/7, make them eat the steamed vegetables at Plex, treat them like a pet (FREE THE LEASH KIDS!), call them racial slurs, tell them how much you love Rick Perry, etc.

Basically, here is my advice: JUST TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP FOR THE REST OF US. We need some normal prospies to come here… We can’t have an entire school full of douchey kids in snapbacks and pop star wannabe’s.

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*I’m only a minor drunken kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, no one will be needing to exit this frat any time in the near future.
**A location in which I also store a handle of Skol and a small portion of what is left of my dignity.
***A combination of the burns from the steam tunnels and the sheer shame of an interaction with a Sig Ep brother will make your prospie want to die and his/her father want to beat you.