The Types of Men You Encounter While Abroad

Aren’t we all sick of the typical “Study Abroad Blog”? I mean, it’s #amazing and #lifechanging that you saw the “Le Tour Eiffel” and drank wine in Sicily and went to that weird building in Barcelona. You got a picture with a camel and underprivileged children? That’s really amazing!

I’ve never seen anything quite like it! For the past 6 minutes, that is.

So, just a warning, if you are abroad, I speak for most everyone–no one reads your blog aside from your extended family. If you’re lucky, maybe your mother leaves it open for your cat to take naps next to. But that’s it.

A cat nap: Sleeping on someone else’s electronics and/or fresh laundry. Like an asshole.

Let’s be real, the only blog people would really want to read would be about sexcapades. We don’t want to hear about how you went to a coffee shop in Amsterdam; we want to hear about how you made your cash in the red light district to pay for said coffee shop.

While you’re abroad, as long as you act the 100% opposite of a Northwestern student (aka never step foot in the library and make eye contact with, well, anyone,) then you’re guaranteed to meet some incredible people who will change your outlook on life (#clicheforareason). That being said, these people will likely fall into certain categories, and this is taking a moment to dwell on all of the wonderful men in your life, the ones who won’t quite make the blog.

Russian to Sell American Dream to Saps

If Morty thinks buying a sports complex is enough to get him adequately ripped for this position, it’s going to be a sad, amateur routine at the commencement.

I was recently reading the Facebook news and was shocked to find that Russian Mikhail Kalishnikov will be speaking at the Northwestern commencement address. I had likely received this information in the sprinkling of Northwestern news and race-scandal e-bulletins sometime in the past 48 hours, mailed direct to my spam folder. It was as I finished reading the title of the article and promptly commenced writing this article that I found the selection odd. (Are moments that happened within the past minute and a half, thoughts still knocking around in your skull, considered the past or present? They haven’t stopped happening, but they definitely started in a period before the present.)¹

Not only was I blown away that they had managed to book the 65-year-old former former Soviet Union athlete/ballerino/Magic Mikhail spinoff Caucasus Films production co-star, but that Morty was willing to pay the postage for correspondence to Siberia. I guess I gave him more credit, but than again I am a Sherman Ave writer.

Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now

Shurna leading us to hypothetical victory.

While the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee decided that NU didn’t technically “make the Tournament” the year and wasn’t in the “first six teams out” because the team “wasn’t very good” and “lost crucial games,” we at The Ave can’t help but imagine what would have happened if our boys had made the Dance. After careful consideration, it seems obvious that this team, arguably the third best in NU history (!), would be in the Final Four right now. Here’s how it would happen:

Game 1: Northwestern over Brigham Young
For argument’s sake we’ll pretend that the ‘Cats would have been one of the last four teams selected for the tourney, and thus forced to partake in a play-in game to make the field of 64. NU probably would have taken Iona’s place as a 14 seed (Gaels? Or GIRLS, ya dig?!), so we’ll pit Northwestern against BYU in this First Four matchup.

The ‘Cats at first seemed overmatched.  BYU won 26 games this year, features the skills of Brandon Davies, and has four players who averaged 10 or more points. NU would certainly lose this game against a skilled opponent. However, NU has one option at its disposal that the Cougz can’t match: the ability to twist a calendar. Start school on September 28th? Why not! Return from Winter Break the day after New Year’s? Easy! Finish finals in the middle of fucking summer? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. The ‘Cats easily change the tournament schedule to put this game on a Sunday. BYU, for religious reasons, does not play games on Sundays and is forced to forfeit (#MormonProblems). And just like that, NU is in the field of 64 and set for a second round matchup with Marquette!

Game 2: Northwestern over Marquette
Now I know it may seem as if Marquette is more talented than the BYU team that NU slipped by on a technicality. And it’s true! Marquette cruised through the Big East with 14 league wins and has tremendous talent in Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder. But do they call this March Monotony?* March Meh? March Mellow?! MARCH MENOPAUSE?! NO. It’s March Madness and anything can happen!

This is the time when Norfolk State figures out Mizzou doesn’t have a defense. The time when Bryce Drew can slide across the floor without ripping his skin off. The time when the transitive property should probably be considered as a rule of law and since Northwestern beat LSU and LSU beat Marquette then haha we win so go home and cry about it Marquette cause NU is going to the Round of 32 HEHEHEHE!

The Monstars were Carmody's backup choice.

Game 3: Northwestern over Murray State
This may be the ‘Cats biggest hurdle to date. NU has historically struggled against teams that are good at winning basketball games, and Murray State won 31 of them this year. NU falls behind early in this one, largely because Murray State appears to be faster, better coached, and more skilled than the ‘Cats. Northwestern had hoped to save their secret weapon for later in the tourney, but down 48-2 after just a minute and a half of play, they have no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the rebounds before being ejected for “excessive girth.”

The ‘Cats return to their impotent ways without Morty in the lineup, but the clock works in their favor as they hold on to win eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-two to eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-one. And it’s on to the Sweet Sixteen!

Game 4: Northwestern over Florida
Florida, recognizing the danger posed by a hot Northwestern team (and we aren’t just talking about those four foot tall Nick Freundt heads), opts to bring in their own secret weapon: Tim Tebow. However, the plan goes awry with the realization that the two days Tebow has spent in New York since his trade to the Jets has completely corrupted him. Lil Timmy shows up tweaking on meth with a high-class escort on one arm and a hooker on the other**. His stunning turn to a life of sin appears to have zapped all his magic John 3:16 powers and he is completely ineffective.

The ‘Cats are similarly incompetent and the game seems destined for a 0-0 tie, until Tebow is called for a technical after he strips down nekked and runs around screaming and masturbating. John Shurna sinks the two free throws and NU takes the game. In a controversial move, Tebow is then put down by Pat Robertson. #YOLO

It got in the hole!

Game 5: Northwestern over Louisville
As the game nears tipoff, Louisville towers over Northwestern. The ‘Cats shrink in fear, awaiting a fate more painful than an Orgo midterm. Then suddenly, an idea pops into Reggie Hearn’s head; just moments before the game, he grabs a mic out of Erin Andrews’ sultry hands and announces to the world that he’s been carrying on an affair with Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Pitino, already frail from years of similar and incredibly accurate accusations, breaks down crying. He demands his whole team come give him a hug then runs away.

With no coach, Louisville struggles to stand up and breathe. Given literally hundreds of chances at an open layup, Luka Mirkovic sinks one at the buzzer for another 2-0 victory. With his bucket, the ‘Cats are into the Final Four!

I know you may be wondering what would happen to NU in the Final Four, but Sherman Ave deals exclusively with the facts and those games simply have not been played yet in the parallel universe I’ve described. To try to predict them would be absurd to say the least. Let’s try to stay grounded here, k? Great. Now go watch all the porn you can before President Santorum takes it all for himself.

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*Hat tip to that weird Greg Anthony commercial for something that I don’t remember
**For those of you who don’t follow New York politics: A high-class escort is a prostitute for rich and important people, while a hooker is a prostitute for the rest of us. Since Tebow is apparently rich and important it makes sense he has an escort, but since he isn’t actually much better at football than the rest of us I think he was required by law to get a hooker too. Damn Obamacare.

The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.