Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]
Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.
Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer
Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?
Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam: Continue reading
EVANSTON, Il —The existence of procrastination was confirmed early this morning. Weinberg junior Megan Rathburn ended a long period of speculation today with the definitive statement that, “Yeah, procrastination is a real thing.”
The announcement came on the heels of a brief conversation regarding the urge to watch Netflix when one should be working. Procrastination, which, according to Rathburn, is “such a struggle,” now explains a previously gaping hole in human behavior.
“We always knew that important work wasn’t always being completed by deadlines, but now we finally have an explanation as to why,” reported Dr. Linda Jensen, a leading human behavior specialist at Johns Hopkins University.
Rachel Hayes, a colleague of Rathburn’s, corroborated the announcement that individuals often put off important duties this afternoon.
Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)
EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading
It doesn’t help that 95% of these keys are for Mercedes.
EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates.
“It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!”
Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.
Read Part 1 here.
The professor who will forever be remembered as “the one who couldn’t remember twerk or flabongo.”
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Packingham: When someone asks you what courses you teach, do you ever just go, “Intro to SIIIIIIKE!” and punch them in the genitals?
[silence]
Renee: If I’d thought of it…
Twattingworth: Follow-up, will you start doing that now?
Renee: Do I have to punch them? Cause that could hurt my back. What about like a kick? Or a knee? And I’d have to do the “SIIIIIIKE!” better than that. You need to get the “IIIIIIIII” a little higher.
Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.
Renee, shortly after realizing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.
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Packingham: We noticed you didn’t bring your dog to his interview… Is he gonna make it, or…?
Renee: He’s visiting Grandma right now, actually.
Twattingworth: Well, all of our questions were for him, soooo…
Renee: Oh, do you want me to leave? He doesn’t really know many words, though. Plus he would get dog hair all over your apartment.
Packingham: Probably not the worst thing this apartment has been through.
Twattingworth: This is actually the cleanest it’s looked in weeks.
Renee: This is… Um. You cleaned?
Twattingworth: A lot.
Renee [pointing to where we stashed the beer pong cups]: Meaning you stashed the beer pong cups in a row?
Twattingworth: Well that cup used to be over here.
Packingham: Do you watch Game of Thrones?
Renee: Mhm, I unfortunately got really excited about the new season and I yelled to my Psychopathology class, Continue reading
In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Evander Jones: Some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t properly reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there is dissent among your potential subjects. So, herpes or chlamydia? Choose wisely.
Will Ritter: Herpes.
Evander: Why?
Will: It has its ups and its down.
Evander: I like that. Your answer, not herpes. Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?
Will: You.
Evander: Thank you. Would you rather rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court or LeBron James on the basketball court?
Will: Probably like LeBron.
Dear friend,
I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a couple of weeks, but I have been trying to “study” like my advisor said. It’s strange because sometimes, I read a textbook and I think I actually understand what I have read. Also, when I write notes, I spend the next two days trying to figure out what I have written in my notes. I don’t know if this is good or bad. Nevertheless, I am trying to study.
In terms of my grades in classes, I am trying to go to fewer social events that I get invited to at school. It’s too late to try and get any A’s or anything like that, but I still try to stay in sometimes and do the work I can. Things like the assigned homework problems that don’t count for points and actually reading the textbook, even if I don’t have a fucking clue what it’s saying.
The Latest In Rape Prevention: Vagina Dentata
It has come to my attention, with the opening of CARE and tonight’s Take Back the Night event, that there are some men in this world who still do not realize that their pee-pees are not always welcome in our jay-jays[1].
Thankfully, most people will never understand the logic behind this phenomenon. Evolutionary and biological psychology holds that men generally have a higher sex drive because men take quantity of genes spread over quality of genes spread. In other words, they argue that the more “naval troops” a man sends to occupy Vagistan, the more likely it is that his genes will be passed on, whereas women are more careful with what they fuck because we don’t want to waste nine months lugging moron genes around in our uteruses (uteri?). There’s also the “rape myth” (women actually want it and will enjoy it, they’re just playing hard-to-get), and the idea that sexual violence is more about a drive for power than a drive to bump uglies. Don’t ask me why rape happens; I’m not touching that can of worms. Whatever the reason is, men continue to force sex upon women despite years of repeated nagging, which goes to show us that nagging does not work, and it’s time to change evolutionary biology.
Women should evolve vagina teeth.
Ladies, doesn’t it suck to feel powerless against potential rapists after dark in the quad, dressed in a short skirt and fishnets? Do you glare at the strapping young lads passing you by to let them know you’re not only aware of your surroundings but really, really scary? Have you ever actually tried using that mace? Cause I haven’t needed to (the glare must have worked), but in the case of an actual emergency I want to have a weapon that doesn’t require skill, and aiming is hard. Solution? Canines in the vagines.
This is not a new idea. It has appeared in many a lunchtime conversation during my high school days. And according to Wikipedia, “folk stories are frequently told as cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex with strange women, to discourage rape, and around campfires at Boy Scout outings in an attempt to incentivize good Christian abstinence,” so apparently someone has thought of this before me. Let me clarify: I’m not advocating an end to hookups. God no. They’re all we have left at Northwestern to convince us that we’ll be sexually acceptable in the real world. I’m advocating a built-in trump card. Think about it: the ability to castrate men if they insert themselves into unwanted places will make assholes less free with their willies.
And you know what else? It will be very difficult in most cases for a man to argue that she was “asking for it,” or for a woman to argue that she was raped when she wasn’t. If that lady doesn’t want the cucumber in her baby kitchen, there’s gonna be a very finely sliced cucumber to show for it. This will eliminate a large amount of ambiguity in the legal system. In fact, I’d like us all to close our eyes and imagine the judicial trials of potential rapists. “Is the defendant’s quiverbone still attached?” “Only some of it, your honor.” “Then she probably didn’t want it in her coochie-snorcher. Case closed.”
I’m not really sure how we’re going to evolve this. Maybe we can invest in some vagina dentures for high-risk women or something, and the rest of our vaginas will catch on that this is a good idea. Our copycat reproductive systems seem to collectively believe that aligning our periods with our roommates and best friends is a fucking brilliant idea, so it shouldn’t take too long to catch on. “Oh, there’s blood coming out of your vagina? I want some too!” Fuck you and your weird habits, genitalia.
I’m also not sure what medical care our nether pearly whites will need…toothbrushes? We’ll see. Til then, the mace, prayer, and angry glare are going to have to suffice.
[1] Disclaimer: A friend of mine has noted that the majority of Northwestern frat boys she has hooked up with will immediately freak the fuck out and back away at least three feet in terror if a chick tells them “no” in the bedroom. To those: thank you. Your mommas taught you well.
Sherman Ave 