On Groundhog Day

Pictured: The object of Bill Murray’s most carnal desires.

For years, modern society has been in an indisputable state of progress.  We’ve gone to the Moon, we’ve connected the world at the click of a button, and we’ve allowed Rob Thomas to launch a moderately successful solo career in spite of his former affiliation with Matchbox 20.  Looking back at past societies, there are literally hundreds of tangible ways in which we can distinguish ourselves as more advanced.

And yet, one thing stands between us and true modernity.  That one thing is a goddamn groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil.

World’s Worst: Animal Species

Do NOT, under any circumstances, give this animal “Bill Clinton sex.”

If there is a God, why didn’t He command Noah to throw these assholes overboard?

Dolphins
It is a well-known fact that dolphins are smart motherfuckers. This is what makes them so awful. Evolutionary theorists claim that all mammals, including dolphins, evolved as land-dwelling creatures, but dolphins were evicted back to the sea after they organized and attempted to “eliminate the Koala Problem.”  Dolphins are also responsible for 10% of drownings of children under twelve. They have been known to put on Bill Clinton masks and pose as mermaids to small girls, who immediately either choke on whatever saltwater they’re swimming in or instinctively stop treading water to tightly cross their legs.