How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably

19 Times BuzzFeed Made You Want to Drink Excessively to Deal with their Ridiculous Drivel Masquerading as Journalism

1. 13 Potatoes that Look Like Channing Tatum

BuzzFeed’s internationally recognized mascot.

I once sat across the aisle from Channing Tatum on a plane which yeah isn’t totally relevant but it’s one of my better stories and I want you to think I’m cool he wore expensive looking headphones.

2. 13 Reasons Shakira Should Be President of the World

Listen BuzzFeed editors, it’s clear from the content of your site that you didn’t go to college, but a 4th grade education should have taught you that president of the world is not a real job. And if it were it would go to Beyoncé.

3. 30 Reasons Birth Control Exists

Um. To prevent pregnancy?

15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

8 Pictures of Puppies That Make You Contemplate Your Mortality

Awwwww, just look at this pup embrace the sunset as we all will have to when the final light of our lives shines upon the world.

What a cute outfit! Doesn’t it just make you think about how embracing the cultural relics of our past will help us accept our own fading into history?

This fella doesn’t have a care in the world as he continues his downward journey with the sands of time that carry us to our ends!

Air Bud Signs With Houston Red Rockets

Three players on the Red Rockets, scouring the court to make sure there’s no dogshit.

HOUSTON – Red Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey announced today that a final agreement had been reached with golden retriever and notorious alcoholic-clown-duper Buddy, nicknamed “Air Bud.”  The team has signed the animal to a 3-year contract, compensating him with 15 million dollars a year, in addition to ample amounts of Alpo and catshit.

The decision to bring on Air Bud comes at an opportune moment for the Red Rockets; sitting in mediocrity at 7th place in the Western conference, the team needs rejuvenation.  Morey hopes that the addition of an all-star canine will rejuvenate the team and put them in a stronger standing for the playoff race.

How to take down the Happiness Club: A four prong approach

Harmless dosage of zen? OR A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS AS I TRY TO ESCAPE LAST NIGHT'S HOOKUP BEFORE HE REALIZES I STOLE HIS ENTIRE COLLECTION OF TOY STORY FIGURINES???

We’ve all been dealing with it for far too long: those smiling people that hand you dumdums or balloons and tell you to have a nice day. Every day it seems like Northwestern students are accosted while trying to get to class by smiling groups of their peers who think that they are making us HAPPY.

You want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song and rubbing his nipples — don’t give me a fucking cupcake.

Here are some quick and dirty ways TO TAKE DOWN HAPPINESS CLUB:

1. Always carry cayenne pepper on your person, in case they bring out the puppies — take a whiff of that, BITCH.

2. When they ask you if you want a hug, ask them if they want their testicles. Better yet, kick first and ask later.

3. Splash their cups of free hot chocolate into their faces — see how well they can smile with third degree burns.

4. When they go kite flying: bring knives to attach to kites and scissors to snip strings. See how “happy” the people on the lake fill are when they are DEAD.

No I don’t want a free bagel, fuckhead.