Sherman Ave Interviews: Jacob Jones

In its current state, the Class of 2017 Facebook page is littered with depressing anecdotes ranging from “I lost my phone/Wildcard/dignity, etc., at (insert frat here), please let me know if you find it.” to “Is anyone else staying on campus for Thanksgiving break? Or should I just give up entirely?” But before we arrived on campus, the Facebook group was the most convenient way to let an entirely new group of people know how excited you were, how funny you thought you were, and what your AP scores were. In this heyday, the one name that appeared more frequently than any others on the rest on the page was Jacob Jones. And when his name appeared to be on the cusp of trending during Purple Pride, the question had to be asked: who is the real Jacob Jones? We sent Elder Tickles and Detroit Slim to Satan’s Asshole Hinman to find out.

Elder Tickles: What’s one thing you wish you had known going into the Class of 2017 Facebook page?

White Privilege Under Attack, Panic Sets In

A disillusioned Carmichael-Livingston, coming to grips with his crumbling hegemony.

UNITED STATES- As fewer white men hold positions of power and more statistics point to the increased role of minorities in the future of America, the long-standing foundation of white privilege appears to be in jeopardy.

These sudden realizations are terrifying white people across the country. Preston Carmichael-Livingston from Bethesda, Maryland is one of the many struggling to come to grips with the rapid descent of the entitlement of white people. “I just didn’t see this coming,” said Carmichael-Livingston. “I thought that we would get to decide when it all came to an end. We used to decide on everything: when racism was over, what women got to do with their bodies. Now? We’re left with nothing.”

Student Shocked to Discover Racial Bias in Criminal Justice System

Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers

CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.

According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was  found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.

Meet the ASG Candidates: Ani and Alex

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is the final of four interviews. Look for more #ASJizz013 coverage to come.

Ani, debating Alex on his pro-choice Student Life views.

What’s your favorite shitty beer, or assuming you’re not 21, what hypothetically would be your favorite shitty beer, and what does that tell us about you?

Alex: Hmm, if I had to choose just one, I’d probably go with PBR. I don’t think it would be my drink of choice for a nice Friday night, but it has the right mixture of cheap, affordability, and taste to get you through that point in life. If you choose to.

Ani: Hypothetically, if I were to be a legal beer fan, then Busch Light. That’s what I’ve heard at least. I’d assume that it tastes like you’d expect beer of it’s ilk to taste. And it comes in these large cases, that are ridiculously low-priced–as I’ve seen, and not purchased. So I can only assume as to the quality of it. I’ve seen people react to it in strange and odd ways, in basements and in crowded rooms. Something magical. What does it taste like?

So I’m just curious, Ani. How many people did you have to ask until Alex finally agreed to become your VP?

Ani: It’s funny, because I was asked by someone else to be their ASG candidate. I don’t want to reveal who. But I’ve worked with all of them before, all the other candidates. Alex and I, we were first choices for both of us. It really is about the chemistry between the pairs as well. Literally, we share calendars.

Alex: It’s kind of creepy. Buuuutt, it’s necessary.

Ani: There’s always that thing, ‘Where are you!? Oh wait, I already know. Never mind.’ But you’re working for the next year with this person. You’re working very closely. It’s not just about sharing an office, it’s about sharing calendars, it’s about sharing a mission in life, oh God it sounds like we’re getting married.

Alex: My girlfriend kind of thinks so. But…

Ani: It’s also about the shared values. Alex and I, we’re from two different worlds. Like literally two different worlds. I’m a guy, I was born in Bangalore, India. I’ve lived in Vietnam and the U.S., in Arizona  and North Carolina and Texas.

Alex: And my family has been in Ohio since the late 1700s. So… pretty different.

Ani: But it’s amazing. We’ve been brought together at Northwestern, we share similar values regarding what this community has. We’ve met amazing people. We have relationships with many of them, many of whom are listed on our website. People who we’ve actually worked with and not just, you know, pretended to.

A Line-By-Line Analysis of Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s “Accidental Racist”

Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball.  Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus.  Martin Luther King having a dream.  Barack Obama winning the presidency.  All of us are familiar with the work that trailblazers like these and so many others accomplished to move beyond our nation’s racial divisions.  Now, I am proud to announce that we can inscribe two more names on to this prestigious list, for country singer Brad Paisley has teamed up with rap icon/NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J to finally eradicate black-white tensions.  If you were at all concerned that America in 2013 had still not achieved a truly post-racial society, then boy, do I have news for you!  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Accidental Racist.”

“To the man who waited on me
at the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand”

It appears that Brad Paisley knows of exactly one black person, and it is a minimum-wage earner at a coffee chain.  And he has dedicated a song to this one black person.  What could go wrong?

Tour Guide at Loss to Explain Student Protest

What is this, Berkeley?

EVANSTON — At approximately 2:07 pm this afternoon, student tour guide Jane Woodward remained at a total and complete loss as to how best to explain a developing student protest to her tour group.

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Woodward (Comm, ’15) was unable to adequately respond to questions addressed to her regarding the hundred-plus students gathered at The Rock to protest the hegemonic culture of white privilege and institutional racism at Northwestern University. Nor was Woodward able to cast the protestors’ claims that Northwestern perpetuates racist and sexist ideals in a manner that would entice prospective students to apply for undergraduate admission to NU.

Why Obama Makes Me Sad

Let me ask you a question. How many of the following have happened since Obama’s election?

1) World peace
2) End of racism/sexism/homophobia/animal cruelty
3) The whales are saved.
4) My dog is as badass as this.

He's killing pirates! What would Jack Sparrow say about that!?

So there we have it: our president, contrary to popular belief, is not a demigod. Oh damn. If there’s anything I dislike about Obama, it’s that his followers seemed to think that following his election, a perfect world would ensue. However, in a perfect world, Rick Perry would be dead and Katy Perry would be granted immortality. So quit slobbing on his knob, because he hasn’t really done much to move us in that direction.

Here’s my first beef with Obama: the guy’s voting record as a Senator basically screams “I Wanna Be President.” The Illinois senate records show that Obama has voted “present” on 130 motions, mostly on controversial issues. Voting “present” is essentially voting “meh,” as a lawmaker. You only say “meh” when you don’t have the energy or clarity to say “No, thank you, I have decided to disagree with the decision being decided.” In a parallel manner, voting “present” means a politician either doesn’t have an opinion or doesn’t want evidence that he has one, because opinions are usually offensive to someone. Having a solidified stance would mean he’d eventually lose voters, and again, the man has had his eyes on the Oval Office longer than Rebecca Black has been alive.

At least nobody has looked sexier while cutting prescription drug costs for medicare by 50%

Number two: Obama is from one of the most corrupt states in the nation. Did anyone question how the man whose record is as spotless as a baby’s ass* somehow gathered votes in the state that produced Blagojevich, Ryan, and the Daley dynasty? Just in case you’re not local, the Land of Lincoln hasn’t had much recent luck electing moral lawmakers. 6 of the last 9 governors are charged with white-collar corruption, and 4 of those were convicted and jailed for it. The most recent villain was caught attempting to ensure that his appointment for Senate seat had something in it for him. I’m not making wild accusations of corruption; I don’t think he’s Blago. I’m saying that Obama passed the healthcare bill like a true Illinois politician: buying the holdout votes with “There’s something in it for you, Nevada and Florida!” Washington, meet pay-to-play politics.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent Facebook status reposted by a friend of mine: “Things my president has done: Got Osama…check. Same wife for 15 years with no extramarital affairs….check. Only active President to receive Nobel Peace Prize while in office…check.” There are several things wrong with this, other than the obvious “please stop drooling and engage your mental cavity.” The first: don’t give him credit for finding Osama. OUR TROOPS DID. Give him credit for the things he’s done — getting minorities out there voting, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and buying us a healthcare bill we didn’t want while teaching the country how Illinois does legislation.

But wait, there’s more: he can stay married! Without cheating! Give the man a prize! Speaking of prizes: I should really be past this by now. But Nobel Peace prize????? Didn’t old people use to have to DO shit for that????**

Not even comparable.

And to close: though I enjoy Al Green as much as the next person, I don’t give a rat’s ass if our president is “cute.” I want a president with a pair of balls*** and a goddamn voting record. Preferably the latter. Til then, I’m gonna hold this vote. If I want to interact with a cute older man, I will seek out Liam Neeson and Frank Sinatra. Frankie has a better voice, anyways.

Here’s to bipartisanship.

Brother Jürgen, please say you’ll still love me?

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*Please ponder that metaphor. It was intentional.
**Also, congratulations to the original author of this quote for seriously qualified statements. “Only President to win Nobel Prize? Damn, there were four of those. Only President to do it while in office? Damn, that was three of them! Only President alive who’s won it? Fucking Jimmy Carter! Alright- he’s the only president we have RIGHT NOW who won the Nobel Peace Prize!”
***or, as a forwarded email from my mother instructed, “Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.”

Special thanks to Blake Wilson, whose Facebook feedback comparing Sherman Ave to the gastrointestinal contents at the end of the Human Centipede struck the perfect balance between offensive and motivating. Blake, don’t off yourself because of internet shenanigans; we’re still mourning Phoebe Black.