Where to Find Your NU Love

With any luck, one day you'll make a heinous rock all of your own.

If you’re like me, a socially awkward alcoholic, you haven’t found your NU love yet. This is probably because the venues you most often frequent have three Greek letters in their names and smell vaguely like Four Loko and urine. Haven’t found any keepers while projectile vomming in the Beta Kappa handicap stall? Keep looking, young freshmen. Take my hand on the magical road of dating: from the painful first encounters and sloppy make outs to the time your suitor hangs your bra on your locker after you left it in his car. Oh wait, this isn’t high school anymore.

It’s time to look for some more obscure places to find your future lover and/or tonsil-hockey teammate. Here’s where to start.

1. A Swanky Restaurant
I suggest Bistro Bordeaux on Church St. Nothing can ever go wrong with a good French meal. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Bristol, I need to find a future lover before I can go to a swanky restaurant. Wrong! Go alone, but inform your waiter that someone else is joining you. Wear a red rose. Pray to God that someone mistakes you for their exponentially-cuter-than-you-looked-online blind date. If no one shows up, cry to your waiter about being stood up. Pray to God the waiter feels sympathetic/gives you their number/accompanies you back to your sex lair for the night.

Too forward for you? Work your way in slowly then. (That’s what she said.)

Yes, I'd like an overnight package please.

2. The Post Office
Guaranteed to generate the best pickup lines:
“Wanna be my priority male?” (Punny, right?)
“I’m here to pick up my package.” [Cast eyes down to genitalia]. (Classic.)
“If you liked it then you should’ve put a stamp on it.” (Because Beyoncé is a goddess.)

3. Dark Parking Garages
Ever feel uncomfortable introducing yourself to a girl in a bar? Wait until she’s walking back alone to her car! Explain that you saw her walking in a dark parking garage that may or may not be chock full of rapists or flesh-eating Republicans and decided to walk with her to protect her from said travesties. At first, she’ll probably pepper spray you, SING at you (solar plexus, instep, nose, groin),* or force you to watch a video of Michelle Bachmann eating a corn dog. But as soon as she realizes you’re just a creepy motherfucker with good intentions, she might just give you the seven-digit password to her pants.

Trolling for some bitches

4. Dog Shows
It works, believe me. It’s like a Cincinnati Cyclones game on $1 beer Wednesday nights, but with wine and trust-fund dog owners on Sundays at high tea.

Perhaps just as important as the places you should go, are the places you should NOT go.

1. University Place or Ridge Avenue
Unless you want to fall in love with a punk in a hoodie who steals your smartphone.

2. The Showers at SPAC
Unless you’re into watching/performing/assisting in self-gratification. Then balls-to-the-walls, young harlots!

3. The Sauna at SPAC
You are not into naked old Jewish women who look like sweaty beached whales. So don’t go in the sauna for love. In fact, don’t go into the sauna at all.

4. Find your NU love/ Flirting for Nerds
I attended both the speed dating event “Find your NU Love” and the seminar “Flirting for Nerds,” more out of irony than desperation. I did not find my NU love, nor did I learn how to flirt anymore heinously than I already do. So unless you want to wince every few minutes when the girl knitting a pair of Eskimo slippers snorts loudly, avoid NU dating events.

You know where to go. Now go and get ‘em, you sexually frustrated bastards.

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*Miss Congeniality

5 Ways to Cope With the Heat

Balls all over, is it hot outside or is it hot outside?! It’s a sad day when a mere 10-minute walk turns into a Hero’s Journey-esque adventure in which one must face great adversity and discover their true self. With this weather, the immediate instinct is to spend every day standing naked in front of your $15 air conditioning unit, but unfortunately, summer is also the time to have fun. Fear not! We have compiled a list of ways you can bypass the heat and still enjoy the season.

Java the Hut knew what's up

5. Invest in Slaves
Obviously the word “slave” has acquired somewhat of a stigma in the last few hundred years, but trust me, you will not regret this decision. Whether it’s getting your groceries or carrying you to a friend’s place, it will be exceptionally relieving to have your daily menial tasks performed by others. Worried about being controversial? There are still ways to be a slave-owner. For example, most college students are willing to enter in a contract of servitude, asking for nothing but free alcohol. Furthermore, your neighbors wouldn’t ever be suspicious of forced labor – they’d just assume you were getting a lot of action. If you can’t catch yourself a college student, try a younger child. Granted, child slavery is discouraged in many social circles, but the best part of slave children is that they’re your slaves and your children, and thankfully, our society rarely protects children from their parents.

Caution: Some drinks will make you look like a massive pansy

4. Drink
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my freshman year of college, it’s that drinking solves everything – macroeconomics finals notwithstanding. Russians notoriously consume copious quantities of vodka to cope with their frigid climate, so why can’t we do the same for our scorching climate? Worst case scenario, you drink yourself unconscious and earn yourself a trip to the cool, air-conditioned emergency room. Besides, if you drink enough, you can take the heat on headfirst and emerge victorious. The doucheriffic Heat Lords think they’ve got you beat, but they won’t know what hit them when you and your friends spontaneously skip to Burger King despite the outrageous temperatures. In this case, it’s about more than just surviving the heat, it’s about vanquishing it. If you’re looking for more pointers in this area, I’d consult the Dallas Mavericks; they know a thing or two about making the Heat their bitch.

Watch out for the Comm Majors

3. Skinny Dip
In most cases, the feeling of ice-cold water on the genitals is something that can only be likened to the Dementor’s Kiss. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, and desperate measures call for pelvic coolage (surprisingly not the long-lost brother of our 30th president). So next time you want to take a shower, kick it up a notch and go balls-deep in Lake Michigan. Don’t live near Lake Michigan? Not a problem, just go balls-deep in the nearest body of water. Caution to our readers in South America: If you choose to skinny-dip in the Amazon, for the love of God, be careful. Just be careful. Dear mother of God. Don’t urinate. Just don’t do it. Think of the children. No level of heat is worth sacrificing your junction (junk’s function). I don’t even want something of that horrific magnitude to happen to those taint-lovers in Brazil and Uruguay.

We hear she also has a thing for bloggers

2. Stalk Attractive People
For registered sex offenders like myself, the last few months have been absolutely clutch in that they have uncovered some of the world’s most attractive people. Think about it – a mere 6 months ago, the world was unaware of stunning babes like Pippa Middleton, Hope Solo, Casey Anthony Michele Bachmann Rebecca Black and anyone else who plays on the U.S. Women’s Soccer team. What better way to spend your summer than lounging in an air-conditioned place and learning every minute detail about the lives of these slampieces? For example, I have learned this summer that Pippa Middleton has admitted to being attracted to average-looking half-Jewish left-handed kids from Colorado – a category in which I fit into quite nicely. See, these are good things to know. You may call me things like “weirdo” and “rapist,” but…well never mind, you’ve got a point.

We're also pretty sure that this little bastard is responsible for U.S. Debt and ever single Haitian natural disaster

1. Blame Minorities for the Heat
As has been proven time and again throughout the annals of history, the best way to resolve any problem is by making it someone else’s problem. And the best part of this tactic is that any minority can work! Responsibility for any unfavorable happening is always easily placed on the backs of the Irish, Germans, Irish, Italians, Canadians, Irish, Latvians, or even the Irish. It may not lower the temperatures, but it certainly makes it easier to cope with when you can just angrily shout something like “GOD DAMN NEW ZEALANDERS MAKING EVERYTHING SO DAMN HOT!” Actively discriminating against said minority would be even more satisfying, but since it’s so stupidly hot outside, discrimination might tire you. However, if you heeded my first piece of advice, you should already have a whole army of slaves to go discriminate against minorities on your behalf.