1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863
Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.
New title: Continue reading
Not shown: The Valentine’s Day-themed porno this dude is streaming. (via Mashable)
Well, it’s February 14th once again, and lo and behold, you’re Valentine-less. But don’t curl up with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a whole lotta misplaced emotions just yet! You don’t need to sob over your loneliness, because all of us singles can band together and know that we don’t have a Valentine this year because we are just too damn cool to be weighed down in a relationship! Don’t believe me? Just check out these top eight reasons that you don’t have a Valentine this year:
Okay, so don’t think of this as a break up. Just think of it as a “see ya later pal,” aight? Because honestly, this isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to do what I have to do.
So here it is: I think I’m transferring. Probably to Arizona State. Sorry. But as I do in all breakups, and to make this much easier on you, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:
How come the student-to-hot-tub ratio isn’t factored into U.S. News & World Report Rankings?
1. Warmth
Literally what the fuck is with this snow? I thought it was like April or some ish like that. Didn’t we kill Punxatawnee Phil? Seriously, this is some bull. But in the warm sands of Tempe, we find an oasis of warmth and sunshine. ASU is the perfect mix of a hot, beach-like climate with no humidity to totally ruin your hair. This warm weather allows for a minimum of clothing, something that you’ll soon see is a key point. This balmy climate has long attracted retirees and schleppers, so why not me? I’ve had it up to HERE with the cold weather! I’m getting’ on up, movin’ on out and sittin’ back down in a lawn chair next to the private pool I assume each ASU student gets.
Sherman Ave 
