Following a recent scientific discovery, researchers at Northwestern University have uncovered the secret to what makes those Canada Goose coats so warm. It isn’t a special blend of down feathers, or even an artificial down substitute created in a lab. After a small incision was made in the lining of a coat found at the Deuce Thursday night, scientists were shocked to find that the stuffing is $700 cash, shredded.
“We were baffled,” said Dr. Bill Fitzgerald, the lead scientist in the study. “We couldn’t believe no one had thought of it yet.”
Fitzgerald explained that scientists had never considered dissecting the coat, in spite of the mysterious $800 price, because they just assumed they were full of “feathers from the goose that laid the golden egg.” They never imagined that the filling was just cold, hard cash.
When questioned about the recent discovery, Canada Goose owner Jessica Lieberman did not seem surprised. “Honestly, I just got the coat because everyone else had one. In addition to keeping me warm in the cold winter, I use the coat to show off my dad’s income, and it certainly didn’t hurt during recruitment,” Friedman winked at us.
“If you’re strapped for cash, don’t even bother counterfeiting,” Dr. Fitzgerald explained, “We found that the only source of warmth this powerful is the real deal. It’s a dog-eat-dog world this winter; you’ll just have to get your Canada Goose the old-fashioned way—stolen from the floor of a frat party.”
1. Now I have 40 more Facebook friends. Can some1 say #popular?
3. When I speak to people, there can be a natural pause in the conversation and I don’t have to worry that the other person will think I’m weird or awkward
4. Today my alarm went off and I was like oh I should get up and shower and then I was like nah and slept for another 25 minutes
I stood in line in front of the house with the others. It was a little too cold outside. On all sides of the quad, there were similar lines to get into similar houses. The houses along the sides of the quad were long and white. The railings were coated with frost and the awnings sagged under the weight of the snow. My RC brought me into the house.
“This is Ernest,” she said, introducing me to a sister.
“Hi Ernest! Welcome to Pi Gamma Tau. It’s nice to meet you.”
PNM (Potential New Member): Oh man, am I excited for recruitment! Joining a sorority sure seems like a great way to meet new people and build strong support syst—OH GOD WHY ARE THEY ALL CHANTING, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO??
“ONE OF US. ONE OF US.”
Sorority Sister: So tell me about yourself?
PNM: OH GOD HOW DO I RESPOND??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH
PNM: So they keep calling these parties, where’s all the booze and boys? FUCK NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME TO PANHELLENIC AND SHUN ME FROM GREEK LIFE FOREVER Continue reading
The greatest number of sorority girls you can find in one doorway without crossing the River Styx.
Screaming. Crying. Vaginal tearing. We’re not talking about the miracle of birth here, we’re talking about everyone’s favorite five-day shitshow: sorority recruitment. Sorority recruitment is one of the times at Northwestern in which stress is at a yearly high. Hundreds of scantily clad freshman girls are marching through the quads, countless sorority sisters are giving compliments to strangers that are nicer than anything they’ve ever said to their families, and thousands of other Northwestern students are looking on in horror and amusement. The whole ordeal is a lot to handle. To help everyone through this hard time, Sherman Ave is here with a few tips to help get you through sorority recruitment, whether you’re going through recruitment or just merely watching it from a distance. Continue reading