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Tag Archives: reform

ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates

12 Aug

Sexxi can I?

After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.

Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.

A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.

Vet this, bitch.

Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.

Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.

Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.

Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.

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*Bill Clinton sex.

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Live at the Ave: The Welcome

13 Jan

I have only known one punctual drummer in my whole life. I think that he now plays in a Sonic Youth cover band in Beloit.

Although I am certain that The Welcome drummer Casey Harding is the most punctiliously prompt percussionist there ever was, he was delayed from our taping of this Live at the Ave session by a freak incident on Lower Wacker.

It turned out to be an excellent stroke of luck.

We ended up staying at The Welcome‘s apartment for hours on end, cooking dinner and talking about everything from the songwriting of Blink-182 to Social Security reform. When you’ve got a couple of hours to kill with a guy like Gehring Miller, the frontman of a four-piece that includes Sarah Johnson (vocals, keyboard, percussion), Jonah Kort (bass), and Casey Harding (drums), discussions about the intonation of the guitars at live Sleater-Kinney shows feel pretty natural and you’re no longer surprised to find yourself endorsing Def Leppard as a tremendously talented band.*

Casey Harding, Gehring Miller, Sarah Johnson, and Jonah Kort of The Welcome

The Welcome are coming off of a daring challenge, a project devoted to recording one EP a month for eight months. Recording and producing 31 songs in the time that it takes most freshmen to develop a tolerance, The Welcome constructed a discography that displays an inspired trove of skilled songwriting and musicianship. With EPs devoted to R. Kelly** covers and NPR and everything in between, the Chicago band displays their knack for finding poetry in the most disparate places, from magical socks to football, and the artistic value of frequently producing work of a high quality.

By the end of The Welcome’s final EP, Odds & Ends & Endings, it is clear that not only did the band make an impressive collection of music since the start of their project, but that they also have improved into a tight-knit and incredibly adept band that is capable of creating an abundance of compelling music in the future (starting with their next EP, slated for March).

And on top of that, they’re fucking killer cooks. Not to mention passionate Cholula addicts. Enjoy!

Sherman Ave is extraordinarily grateful to The Welcome for agreeing to this foray into multimedia, as well as Alexander Waldman for his help and support on this project.
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*Never before in my life have I ever wanted to listen to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” so bad.
**Fun Fact: Gehring Miller and Evander Jones attended the same high school as the female R. Kelly “allegedly” peed on.