Tag Archives: Registration

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

21 Feb
Sometimes, one PBR just isn't enough for a night in the stacks.

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Northwestern’s Inoperable Online Overlord, CAESAR

10 Jun

Look at me (this article.) Then look at Facebook. Now back. To me.

In the time it took you to switch pages, you would’ve been logged out of CAESAR, Northwestern’s all-purpose online tool for everything from bill payments to class signups and beyond.

I came, I saw, I dicked you over for registration.

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ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS THE SOLUTION: How to Make Registration Less Mentally Taxing

14 May

Die, you sick fuck.

It’s that time of the year again, the moment we all dread more than walking in on our roommate watching Hulu naked yet again. No, not another music video released by Chet Haze. NO, not another degrading week-long fraternity event. N0O, not time for another Markwell-themed campaign. GOOD GOD, PEOPLE, I’M TALKING ABOUT CLASS REGISTRATION.

Valid blanket statement: WE ALL HATE CAESAR. It is a registration site designed to make everyone want to drop out and cry. However, if you’d rather kill yourself slowly, there are always options.

Whenever I am upset and want to kill myself slowly, I turn to one of three things:

  1. Drinking wine
  2. Drinking beer
  3. Drinking hard alcohol

Due to the fact that CAESAR is a devil designed specifically to shit on every Northwestern student’s academic life, I have created a practical and supportive way to deal with registration:

The CAESAR Registration Drinking Game

  • Your registration time:
    – If your registration time is at or before 11, take 238,474 shots and die because everyone hates you.
    – If your registration time is between 11 and 3, take a shot of a liquor of your choice. Have fun finding soley middle-of-the-road classes to sign up for.
    – If your registration time is after 3, take a shot of Skol. It has to be Skol because it is miserable and you will be too once you attempt to find an available class, only to realize all that’s left is fucking Baroque Art.
  • The actual registration process:
    – Slap the bag in celebration of every class you successfully get into without CAESAR trying to screw you up the ass. 30 seconds per class, or longer if you can handle it (in which case I am positive we are soul mates).
    – Shotgun a beer every time you try to sign up for a class, everything seems to be going smoothly, and BAM… You can’t sign up for this class because it conflicts with another. Again, CAESAR has come up from behind and gotten the best of you.
    – Take a pull from a handle (screw classiness, you self-righteous fuck) every time you have to put yourself on the waitlist and email a professor begging to take his class. Getting on your knees for school is never an attractive option, and neither is taking a pull from a handle. Sack up.
    – Find a roof and jump off of it every time you accidentally hit the back arrow and it takes you all the way back to the CAESAR home page. I know swan diving off the NMQ roof seems like your only option every time this happens – I speak from experience.

    Your final schedule:
    – If you’re one of those people who takes 5+ classes just for shits and giggles…. Get the fuck out. Seriously. Leave. I got 99 problems and 3 of them are classes that I can’t register for because you’re taking them for “fun.”
    – If you are a part-time student for no other reason than you felt like it, drink. Drink everything. Take advantage of this glorious opportunity and have no shame. (On a side note, if someone could please explain what it means to have “shame,” I would forever be grateful)
    – If you have no classes on Fridays (or Tuesdays, or practically any other day of the week) so you’re able to rage the night before, take a shot of your favorite alcohol because you deserve it, you lucky bastard.
    – If you post your schedule on Facebook, take a double shot and mentally prepare yourself. Your creepy ass stalker from that sketchy fraternity is about to register for as many of your discussion sections as humanly possible. Nice work.

According to a survey of 50,000 imaginary human beings, drinking relieves all stress and solves every single one of your problems. Therefore, this drinking game is the perfect solution to your CAESAR registration woes. Good luck, and for your sake I hope there are no 9 a.m. classes left. Spend your money on alcohol rather than books and your future will look bright… I swear.