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Tag Archives: relationship

A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes

24 Apr

Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.

3rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could Continue reading

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Conquering Eye Contact: A Point System that Dictates What to Do after Locking Eyes with Someone You Know

16 Feb
In case you don't know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

In case you don’t know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

Although it happens every day, it’s profoundly startling to realize that you recognize a person that you may see. And yes, through a puffy Canada Goose jacket, a scarf and a Balaclava, that person is looking right back at you. G-wiz, this is awkward—should you wave? Smile? Frown?

This is a points-based system that determines how to act after making eye contact with someone you recognize—let’s call him or her Person “A”. Add or subtract points as you read each step; then, compare your sum to the rubric at the end to determine your least cringe-worthy next move.

1. You know/don’t know Continue reading

8 Reasons You Don’t Have A Valentine

14 Feb
Not shown: The Valentine's Day-themed porno this dude is streaming. (via Mashable)

Not shown: The Valentine’s Day-themed porno this dude is streaming. (via Mashable)

Well, it’s February 14th once again, and lo and behold, you’re Valentine-less. But don’t curl up with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a whole lotta misplaced emotions just yet! You don’t need to sob over your loneliness, because all of us singles can band together and know that we don’t have a Valentine this year because we are just too damn cool to be weighed down in a relationship! Don’t believe me? Just check out these top eight reasons that you don’t have a Valentine this year:

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A Guide to Starting a Relationship

26 Mar
First tip:  DON'T MATCH.  DON'T EVER FUCKING MATCH.  IT'S AWFUL AND EVERYONE HATES IT.

First tip: DON’T MATCH. DON’T EVER FUCKING MATCH. IT’S AWFUL AND EVERYONE HATES IT.

It finally happened. Somehow between going to classes, working, the pile of homework that never seems to get any smaller*, and drinking your sorrows away, you actually met somebody. Sure it was just some casual flirting at a party, but you guys definitely made a real connection. Like when you smiled and he took a sip of his beer while frantically looking around the room for his friends, the chemistry was so strong the whole room must have felt it. You even managed to get his number. But wait…the closest thing you’ve had to a date since high school was over the summer when you went home and had that slumber party with your dog. You know sweat pants aren’t “acceptable date clothes,” but what do “normal” people wear when they leave the house? How do you handle this? Don’t worry. I have plenty** of experience on the subject and have put together some answers to these FAQ’s: Continue reading

Boyfriend’s Upcoming Mix Tape to Reveal “Darker, Sensitive” Side

22 Mar
images

A cassette, intended for just such mixtapes, but utterly useless since Brennan was seven.

JOLIET — Matt Brennan has announced details for the release of his second mix tape for Stefanie Kirkpatrick, Brennan’s girlfriend of seven months. According to sources close to Brennan’s decision-making process, the new mix CD will feature approximately 19 songs carefully culled from Brennan’s iTunes collection to exhibit a “darker and more sensitive side” of the local analytics manager to Kirkpatrick.

The mix tape, self-produced by Brennan and complete with album art of an original collage of photographs of the couple and detailed liner notes, is tentatively titled Mix for Stefanie #2 and set for release next month. According to Brennan, the mix tape will be available for a limited time only on compact disc, or flash drive “if, you know, that would make Stefanie’s life easier.”

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A Romantic Retrospective: Fall Quarter

30 Oct

No no no. I want to hear about all frats you butt chugged at.

So, you’re a month and some change into your long distance relationship.  Congratulations on “making it work” while so many other people are miserable and alone.  You’ve come close to crying only a couple times when you were really drunk.   Everyone remembers your strength in those moments.  Good on you.

So far, you’ve done a great job not letting the relationship stop you from meeting new people.  Juggling this takes skill, and you’re crushing it.  People recall your composure with that drunken phone call you got when your old prom date discovered how awesome flip cup is.  Wasn’t that the time you casually mumbled, “I miss you, too,” in front of everyone you’ve considered hooking up with on your dorm floor?  Up to this point, they concluded you friend-zoned the world.  You’re back in play hot shot!

Sure, it’s tough.  Chin up.  You’re in the Midwest.  Your paramour is in, well, probably the Midwest.

Now, let’s not downplay the good times.  You literally can not remove the memory of that time you guys decided to try Skype sex while your roommate went to SPAC, and the video got scrambled because everyone in the dorm started playing Xbox online.  Hysterical.

Get excited for Thanksgiving break.  One: the sex.  Two: the grueling conversation about putting the relationship down.  Three: the post-turkey day sex.  Four: starting things back up with your mate.  God, you two should never ever be apart again.  Excellent save.

These are life lessons that you’ll be sure to remember.  You won’t at all put yourself in this situation senior year of college.  You’re going to turn down that job offer in Houston, and you’re moving to Brooklyn to stay together with that dorm mate you’ve been hooking up with on and off since freshman year.  How about that? You’re a New Yorker now!

-Cobra Lederham

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dealing With a Terrible Roommate

25 Sep

I’ll kill you in your sleep.

Before I left for college, I had a heart-to-heart chat with my Dad.  There were many things that made me anxious, but my fears about my future roommate exceeded all others. I was terrified that my roommate would be a serial killer, a poltergeist, a hater of Harry Potter, or a fan of Fox news. Thankfully, none of those things came true. At least, to my knowledge. Although I did once catch my roommate, who shall henceforth be referred to as Phyllis, watching The O’Reilly Factor. But I THINK she was doing it ironically.

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