The Pope is dope and here’s why

We all have families that are a little crazy, and nothing brings that out like the holiday season. But in true New Year’s fashion, it’s time to reflect on the progress that has come out of the last year. And for me, that progress is the result of one guy who’s managed to soften my family’s unique craziness. So cheers to you, Pope Francis!

What’s Next for Pope Benedict XVI? New Car, New Digs, New Twitter Handle

Pope Benedict XVI about to receive a 15-yard pass from Kurt Warner, a former Cardinal.

Okay, so as most have you have probably heard by now, Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans to resign from his position as Holy See and Muslim-basher. While he hasn’t been clear on his motivation for resigning, one can only assume that it was because his faith in the Triune God (and any trace of goodness in this world, for that matter) was broken last night when Drake won Best Rap Album at the Grammy’s. Either that, or Silvio Berlusconi touched him in his no-no places and the emotional pain is just too overwhelming.

Muhammad: Everyone please calm down

Who brought the marshmallows?

MEDINA — In a press release this morning, the prophet Muhammad called on Muslims, Christians, Jews, and all others alike to “seriously calm the fuck down.”

“Guys, seriously? I mean, I’m really flattered that you think I’m important enough that a building has to be bombed every time I’m depicted, but honestly, we need to all take a chill pill. I preach peace, love, and acceptance — how did you guys turn that into ‘blow shit up when angry?'”

Why Markwell is a Man of Jellyfish

Hopefully you didn't confuse this with the ads for free lube during Sex Week.

April 18th is the day when everyone at NU realized that Markwell wasn’t some lame write-in for ASG AVP or another bizarre position that pretends to campaign but hardly matters because we only really care about the Prez. So what was this Markwell stuff? Why are people who look like the God Squad wearing shirts that make me think of the UF Gators or prisoners on highway detail?

Because apparently everyone is born a fuck up. I’m not even joking. That is (paraphrasing, but not straying at all from) what Markwell put on the site. Now I may not be religious like Chet Haze, and I can tell you that I consider myself at least a slightly religious person, but the idea of religion is like a Jellyfish. It’s nice to look at, nice to talk about even, but let that shit get close to you and you’ll get stung. Now don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of religious people. My own mother has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministries and I am personal friends with (COUNT ‘EM) 3 Bishops. So please, I’ve been pretty up close and personal with some Jellyfish.

My entire issue with Markwell isn’t the fact that he’s evangelizing. Seriously, go ahead if you feel like that’s your jive, but if Cru’s going to brand itself like this, they’re just going to get backlash like what they’ve experienced for the past day and a half. Honestly, Cru has been known to be excessively invasive, bordering at times on incredibly rude. I’d LOVE to see them order something at Burger King. I mean, please, couldn’t you find a better way of describing all of your friends and peers and professors than as jacked-up souls “intentionally rebel[ling] against God”? It’s just too much for me. We need some memes up in this shit for real, yo.

If you bring religion up at Northwestern like Cru did with the Markwell campaign, then prepare to get stung.

Instead of going on to refute Markwell any more than I already have — because others are doing a fine-ass job — I offer a few things we could do better than spend time worrying about this Markwell crap:

1. Vote for Dillo Day T-Shirts!
What other way can you better enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’re going to get more heinous at Mayfest than the Markwell and Kony2012 campaigns put together?! There’s plenty of really good designs, from the nerdy Dillo Venn diagram design to a Tank with a mustachioed Dillo. Do people still write “mustachioed?” It’s a word. I swear.

2. Stalk Project Cookie!
Almost as heinous as the above, but a different flavor. You can stalk down that Cookie Monster-garbed student and snag plenty of delicious cookies to feed your emotional-eating problem. This Markwell stuff is so sad, I may buy them out! Come to my dorm you fools!!!!

3. Entertain a Prospie!
Have a wee little High School Senior come on over to your dorm and unleash the fury of a thousand NU sailing team members. I’ve been to La Casa. Shit is cray, guys. I almost had to drink the beer off the floor when I spilled it. Why not share that experience with a prospie that will either be horrified (the weak ones) or push you down to the dirty concrete themselves as they shotgun a PBR (the mighty, heinous ones).

God said to Abraham, "Go kill me a son. With automatic weaponry."

4. Desperately try to look up Pippa Middleton in her controversial outfit!
Nevermind, Sir T-Worth and the Packhammer are all over that, and judging by the glint in their eyes, I wouldn’t trust your chances of getting near that even if you survived the Hunger Games.

5. Join Pottermore!
Because why the fuck not? It’s worth it for McGonagall’s story and Markwell will probably call you a satanic Wiccan, which will be funny. Funny mostly because who says “Wiccan” anymore?

6. Read a Bible!
Look up all the parts in the King James Version that detail the best ways to pester passerby’s on street corners.

The Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever

You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.

He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.

Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:

Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:

1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”

2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.

3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.

4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.

5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.

But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.

6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.

7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.

8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.

9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.

Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.

Got him.

The Best Things About Northwestern

After reading through the rest of this freshman guide, you may be wondering, “What have I gotten myself into? Isn’t heinousness a bad thing? And how awkward are tits, exactly?” Only experience will answer you, but here are three reasons why you shouldn’t drop out before you get to campus:

Unbridled Nerdiness

Chances are, if you’re going to Northwestern, there is at least a small inner part of you that is a massive dork. And now you can let that part fly free, like a glorious bespectacled eagle. I’m pretty sure it is literally against Northwestern policy to dislike Harry Potter.