2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

2011 Sherman Ave Reader’s Poll: Results

With 122 responses and a wide variety of exceedingly gruesome responses,* we were absolutely thrilled with the success of this year’s poll. So, after much anticipation (drumroll please), we present to you: RESULTS!

The hanging chad of our generation

Most Heinous Event of 2011
With 24% of the vote, the winner was: Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Strikes Youtube. This is undoubtedly the most atrocious non-majority victory we’ve seen since November 2000.

Best Place to Find and Enjoy a Hookup
Also with 24% of the vote, the winner was: A Frat House. Notable write-ins include “Baby Bash ski trip concert” and “Deer season in Indiana.” Surprisingly enough, nobody mentioned Sherman Ave HQ…

Favorite Sherman Ave personality?
With 30% of the vote, the winner was: Sir Edward Twattingworth III. We at the Ave have not a shred of doubt that this will result in a power-trip of unprecedented magnitude, but with Sir T-Worth, we’re used to it. Anything less than Putin-esque levels of self-aggrandizement would be a disappointment.

Best Song of 2011
With 15% of the vote, the winner was: “Someone Like You” by Adele. This can easily be understood by anyone who has ever been within a 5-mile radius of any intoxicated Sherman Ave writer. Or felt love.

Most Mouthgasms per Bite
With 33% of the vote, the winner was: Hot Cookie Bar. Notable write-ins include “your mom” and “Pippa Middleton.”

DAMN YOU HIPSTERS FOR RUINING THE BEANIE FOR ME!!!!

Best Coffee Shop
With 52% of the vote, the winner was: Kafein. This would probably not go over well with one of the respondents who wrote in the answer, “Hipsters are sub-humans.” Ross Packingham intends to use this landslide victory as a clear mandate to bring his Buddhism-influenced beat poetry to Kafein’s stage, supported by Brother Jürgen and Eleanor Kinkervoss on the bongos while Evander Jones attacks the chastity belt around his waist with a chain saw. Sadly, it will only the fourth-most heinous act on stage at that week’s open mic.

Best Place to Get Intoxicated in Public
With 27% of the vote, the winner was: Cozy Noodles. Among the many notable write-ins were: “Barnes and Noble,” “10am MENU class,” and “sidewalk.”

Best A Cappella Group
With 26% of the vote, the winner was: There is no such thing as a good a cappella group. A ruefully valid statement indeed.

Best Movie of 2011
With 29% of the vote, the winner was: Harry Potter 7.2. Notable write-ins include Twilight: Breaking Hymen and Pippa Middleton, both of which feature Morty Schapiro and Kate Upton in starring roles.

Best TV Show of 2011
With 17% of the vote, the winner was: How I Met Your Mother. Apparently people identify with drunken assholes frittering away the golden years of their lives chasing after unsatisfactory one-night stands. Far and away, the most heinous write-in was: “Is The Hills still on? I pick The Hills.”

Please Describe Morty Schapiro in 10 Words or Less
This one was actually too much for us to emotionally process. Top answer: “Why limit it to fewer words than his penis length?” Maybe once Ross Packingham’s poetry career takes off, maybe he’ll compose a sonnet using only these responses and youtube video comments.

What’s Up the Evanston City Council’s Ass?
With 35% of the vote, the winner was: a 14-inch dildo made of molten gummy bears. If that’s not already true, it can certainly be arranged.

Ever wonder how I got the name "Packingham?"

What is your Gender?
With 58% of the vote, the winner was: Female. AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHH!!!! Hey ladies, how’d you like to spend the night with the fourth-most popular Northwestern-centric blog? No?** Haaaaaaave you met Manua?

What Brings You to Sherman Ave?
With a staggering 70% of the vote, the winner was: Facebook. Needless to say, notable write-ins included “Pippa Middleton” and “all of your fucking Facebook posts.”

In conclusion, a huge thank you goes out to everyone who took this poll. We couldn’t do it without you. We hope that you were pleased with our unnecessary heinousness in 2011, and we will do everything in our power to take it to the next level in 2012. Most importantly, we’re comforted to see in the responses that the people who read Sherman Ave are just about as fucked up as the people who write for it.

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*Allowing for a standard error of approximately 69%.
**Fun Fact: The first time Sherman Ave was ever used as a potential pickup line occurred in line for the bathroom at an off-campus party. It was not successful.

Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps

Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd

As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch’s penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch’s best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the “News of the Screws” to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:

-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.

-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.

-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.

-John Lennon’s favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to “Mike Rotch.”

-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.

-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg’s phone calls.

-Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert’s forays into England’s Victorian-era sexual underground.

-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, “Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”

-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.

-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.

-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an “emotional wreck.”

-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.

-Margaret Thatcher’s eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.

-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.

-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.

-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the “LA Galaxy,” a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the “MLS.”

-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.

-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.