WE’RE RICH, BITCH

“It’s too big, it’s too wide. It’s too strong, it won’t fit. It’s too much, it’s too tough.”

To be fair, a disproportionate amount of NU's revenue comes from my expenditures at the Norris Crepe Station

Yes, Beyoncé is talking about Morty’s endowment. Northwestern’s endowment for 2011 was over $7 billion.

Oh, you didn’t think I was talking about money? Yeah. Apparently, we’re one of the wealthiest schools in the country. You could power trip about it, or you could feel slightly guilty that we’re now the 1%. Either way, let’s take celebratory body shots of coconut rum off your rich friends and burn some money, you wealthy motherfuckers!

Now, what to do with all this cash? Free tuition for everyone, you say? No, too boring. I get way too much pleasure watching my parents struggle to pay for my elitist education. May I suggest some of my deepest desires/ guilty pleasures that would be worthwhile investments that Northwestern University could make on my behalf?

1. Segways
Think about it: if every student was granted a Segway upon entering Northwestern, our campus would drastically change. March through the Arch? No, no. Segway through the Arch! Wait for Safe Ride to carry your sorry ass around? No, I’m good. I’ve got a ride. Segways are the vehicle of choice for the unarmed police patrolling the sorority quad for Smartphone Pirates, so they are clearly the safest vehicle out there, right next to your mom’s massive “I’ll crush the other car in any accident” SUV. I bet Morty would be down to construct a Segway polo arena too.

2. Abolish School of Comm and replace it with a petting zoo
ZOMG baby animalzzzz! Let’s be honest: Comm and Bienen kids grow up to be ungrateful starving artists that don’t return money to their alma mater, and petting zoos are a better investment, and soooo much fun! Stressed about midterms? Go pet a goat. Don’t forget take-home-tea-cup-puppies for everyone!

Is it fair for these beautiful Medilldo's to have to get ugly Economics and Poli Sci majors to buy them drinks?

3. Plastic Surgery
The men of Northwestern have consistently been graded C+ for their looks. We shouldn’t be forced to drunkenly slobber all over these ball-sack looking fratty bros we call men. Let’s fix this, ladies. If Northwestern granted facial reconstruction surgery to every male, we could have a slightly more attractive campus. Attractive men mean slorry women, so it won’t be hard to convince the guys. However, these soon-to-be harlots are getting a little chunky. Too much Segwaying and too little SPACing. Worry not. Liposuction for everyone! Now we’ve managed to create some silicon-injected, more attractive dudes and some less cottage-cheesy girls. Everyone procreate!

4. Bring Ryan Gosling to NU
Yes, it would technically be prostitution to solicit sex from a person for money. But we have 7 BILLION DOLLARS. Now get that tight ass into a Speedo, Ryan, and get it in my lap chop chop!

5. Real Condoms
The free condoms kinda suck. Everyone already thinks we’re spoiled brats, so let’s go all the way (literally): It’s not enough that we get free protection from sex! The lube must remain lubey for AS LONG AS WE TAKE. And Louis Vuitton condoms, too. Kthanx.

They could give rides for children on their segways in the petting zoo!

6. Remove the Parking Police and put them in the petting zoo
Being from a nearby area (but not LTHS, fuck you very much) I have had the luxury of occasionally bringing a motor vehicle to campus. However, the parking police from both Evanston and Northwestern are heartless, elitist, Bitter Motherfuckers who have determined to make parking on campus as difficult and convoluted as possible (did you know that enforcement starts at 7:30, but the office where you can get visitor hangtags doesn’t open til 8?). Overall they have devoted more of their time to fining girls parked illegally by accident for 15 minutes than to arresting the Smartphone Pirates and those guys my boyfriend nearly got mugged by. Clearly they were inadequately loved as children. Let’s keep them in the petting zoo, where they will learn that expressing vulnerable emotions will be positively reinforced with attention and love from girls with daddy problems.* We can release them once they have learned to take joy in fuzzy bunnies and sheep rather than other people’s unfortunate parking misfortunes.

7. Cotton Candy Everyday
Fuck diabetes. They’ll provide free insulin too.

–Bristol Bacchus and Eleanor Kinkervoss

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*One consideration: Where will the daddy-problem girls come from now that we’ve gotten rid of all the theater students?

Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now

Shurna leading us to hypothetical victory.

While the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee decided that NU didn’t technically “make the Tournament” the year and wasn’t in the “first six teams out” because the team “wasn’t very good” and “lost crucial games,” we at The Ave can’t help but imagine what would have happened if our boys had made the Dance. After careful consideration, it seems obvious that this team, arguably the third best in NU history (!), would be in the Final Four right now. Here’s how it would happen:

Game 1: Northwestern over Brigham Young
For argument’s sake we’ll pretend that the ‘Cats would have been one of the last four teams selected for the tourney, and thus forced to partake in a play-in game to make the field of 64. NU probably would have taken Iona’s place as a 14 seed (Gaels? Or GIRLS, ya dig?!), so we’ll pit Northwestern against BYU in this First Four matchup.

The ‘Cats at first seemed overmatched.  BYU won 26 games this year, features the skills of Brandon Davies, and has four players who averaged 10 or more points. NU would certainly lose this game against a skilled opponent. However, NU has one option at its disposal that the Cougz can’t match: the ability to twist a calendar. Start school on September 28th? Why not! Return from Winter Break the day after New Year’s? Easy! Finish finals in the middle of fucking summer? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. The ‘Cats easily change the tournament schedule to put this game on a Sunday. BYU, for religious reasons, does not play games on Sundays and is forced to forfeit (#MormonProblems). And just like that, NU is in the field of 64 and set for a second round matchup with Marquette!

Game 2: Northwestern over Marquette
Now I know it may seem as if Marquette is more talented than the BYU team that NU slipped by on a technicality. And it’s true! Marquette cruised through the Big East with 14 league wins and has tremendous talent in Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder. But do they call this March Monotony?* March Meh? March Mellow?! MARCH MENOPAUSE?! NO. It’s March Madness and anything can happen!

This is the time when Norfolk State figures out Mizzou doesn’t have a defense. The time when Bryce Drew can slide across the floor without ripping his skin off. The time when the transitive property should probably be considered as a rule of law and since Northwestern beat LSU and LSU beat Marquette then haha we win so go home and cry about it Marquette cause NU is going to the Round of 32 HEHEHEHE!

The Monstars were Carmody's backup choice.

Game 3: Northwestern over Murray State
This may be the ‘Cats biggest hurdle to date. NU has historically struggled against teams that are good at winning basketball games, and Murray State won 31 of them this year. NU falls behind early in this one, largely because Murray State appears to be faster, better coached, and more skilled than the ‘Cats. Northwestern had hoped to save their secret weapon for later in the tourney, but down 48-2 after just a minute and a half of play, they have no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the rebounds before being ejected for “excessive girth.”

The ‘Cats return to their impotent ways without Morty in the lineup, but the clock works in their favor as they hold on to win eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-two to eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-one. And it’s on to the Sweet Sixteen!

Game 4: Northwestern over Florida
Florida, recognizing the danger posed by a hot Northwestern team (and we aren’t just talking about those four foot tall Nick Freundt heads), opts to bring in their own secret weapon: Tim Tebow. However, the plan goes awry with the realization that the two days Tebow has spent in New York since his trade to the Jets has completely corrupted him. Lil Timmy shows up tweaking on meth with a high-class escort on one arm and a hooker on the other**. His stunning turn to a life of sin appears to have zapped all his magic John 3:16 powers and he is completely ineffective.

The ‘Cats are similarly incompetent and the game seems destined for a 0-0 tie, until Tebow is called for a technical after he strips down nekked and runs around screaming and masturbating. John Shurna sinks the two free throws and NU takes the game. In a controversial move, Tebow is then put down by Pat Robertson. #YOLO

It got in the hole!

Game 5: Northwestern over Louisville
As the game nears tipoff, Louisville towers over Northwestern. The ‘Cats shrink in fear, awaiting a fate more painful than an Orgo midterm. Then suddenly, an idea pops into Reggie Hearn’s head; just moments before the game, he grabs a mic out of Erin Andrews’ sultry hands and announces to the world that he’s been carrying on an affair with Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Pitino, already frail from years of similar and incredibly accurate accusations, breaks down crying. He demands his whole team come give him a hug then runs away.

With no coach, Louisville struggles to stand up and breathe. Given literally hundreds of chances at an open layup, Luka Mirkovic sinks one at the buzzer for another 2-0 victory. With his bucket, the ‘Cats are into the Final Four!

I know you may be wondering what would happen to NU in the Final Four, but Sherman Ave deals exclusively with the facts and those games simply have not been played yet in the parallel universe I’ve described. To try to predict them would be absurd to say the least. Let’s try to stay grounded here, k? Great. Now go watch all the porn you can before President Santorum takes it all for himself.

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*Hat tip to that weird Greg Anthony commercial for something that I don’t remember
**For those of you who don’t follow New York politics: A high-class escort is a prostitute for rich and important people, while a hooker is a prostitute for the rest of us. Since Tebow is apparently rich and important it makes sense he has an escort, but since he isn’t actually much better at football than the rest of us I think he was required by law to get a hooker too. Damn Obamacare.

Badasses in History: Winston Churchill

Rumor has it that Churchill fathered his successor to the throne of Badassery, Morty Schapiro

The study of history is, in many ways, the study of humanity. From kings and heroes to slaves and cowards, history provides us with an unrivaled view into the inner workings of the human mind.

But never has any historical figure kicked quite as much ass as Winston Churchill.

Let’s start off by investigating what the man had to work with. On the pros side, he was born the grandson of the seventh Duke of Marlborough. Aristocratic blood? Check. He was enrolled in the best schools. Education? Check. He was a brilliant politician. Acumen? Check. Oh, he also beat the Nazis. Awesomeness? Check.

Now for the cons. That school he was in? He hated it and got bad grades. Good GPA? Not check. He was fat…and rude…and a bit of a drunk. Winning personality? Not check. At the time of his political achievements, he faced a weak parliament and a weaker aristocracy. Strong support system for confronting foreign difficulties and interacting with the power-hungry, vicious Nazis? Not check.

The man was born with five-pound jowls

So to recap: Winston Churchill was born rich, but balked at any attempts to civilize him beyond what was required to find and light cigars, and—who could forget?— jimmy open the liquor cabinet. He then went off to the Royal Military College where he had the option of enrolling in either the cavalry or the infantry. He chose the cavalry. Why? Because it had a lower grade requirement and he hated math. Here was a man who had his priorities straight.

At that point, his father asked that he transfer to the infantry, to which I can only presume Winston replied: “Suck it.” Whatever his exact words, he stayed in the cavalry for some time until he got bored—again I can only assume because he was too bitching at everything for his regiment to handle—at which point he became a journalist and war-correspondent. Even more awesome (if such a thing could be possible) Churchill then went to Cuba to follow a conflict between Spain and the Cuban rebels, where he learned about cigars. His response was reportedly to blow smoke in the face of the Spanish General Ramon de Not-As-Mind-Blowing-as-Churchill. As history has taught us, this ended the war then and there.

But while his early life was too grandiose for words, it was Churchill’s later life that cemented his place as history’s greatest badass. You see, Churchill’s greatest quality was this: he was fucking hilarious. Yes, Churchill played a central role in the defeat of the Axis powers and the preservation of Great Britain beyond the bombing of London. But all of that nonsense pales in comparison to his rollicking contributions to insult comedy.

This image was captured moments after Churchill listed off the gut-wrenchingly filthy sexual activities he had engaged in with Stalin's mother

Though Churchill’s insults can — and do — fill entire books, some of them stick as even more groin-grabbingly funny than others. When asked about his opinion of Neville Chamberlain (who some of you may remember as the dickwad who tried appeasing the Nazis as British Prime Minister before Churchill), Old Winston had this to say: “He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe.” In other words: “That dude is a shitface.”

On cultured people, tubby had this to say: “Cultured people are merely the glittering scum which floats upon the deep river of production.” What a baller.

Still, as funny as Churchill was in general, he had two particular adversaries with whom he had supreme moments of insulting hilarity: Lady Nancy Astor, member of Parliament and second-class comic, and playwright George Bernard Shaw.

We’ll start with Shaw. Both intellectuals (Shaw of the kind that actually does things of artistic and literary merit, and Churchill of the kind that makes fun of those things), the two often enjoyed exchanging witticisms. Shaw, no real fan of Churchill’s, thought it might be funny to send Winston a pair of tickets to Shaw’s newest play, Major Barbara. Accompanying the tickets was a short note: “Have reserved two tickets for opening night. Bring a friend, if you have one.”

Now, at this point, any lesser man would have accepted the truly hilarious burn at face value. Not Chubby Churchill. He wired back—in a moment where even God himself spit out his top ramen in laughter—”Cannot possibly come first night, will attend second, if there is one.”

Awesome.

Onto adversary number two: Lady Astor. The two had a long legacy of mocking one another, Astor for Churchill’s rampant alcoholism and obesity, Churchill for Astor’s general bitchiness. Who can forget this exchange:

He usually only needed one of those fingers to properly express himself

Astor: If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Again, awesome. But these clashes of wits pale in comparison to a later insult. One particular evening, Churchill came to a party visibly drunk and irate, so much so that a Mrs. Bessie Braddock quite publicly remarked, “Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!” But Winston, drunk or not, knew a challenge when he heard one. After shouting “Challenge Accepted!” he looked the offending woman in the eye (or chest, as Churchill was not one for manners) and said: “Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”

So yeah, no one rocked the house like Winston.

Some more Churchill insults for your consideration:

• Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
  Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
• [Referring to Arthur Balfour] If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job.


The British Prime Minister after single-handedly clearing Juno Beach during D-Day

• Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
  Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
  Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
  Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
  Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

And now for the winner:

• [Referring to Charles De Gaulle] He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.

–Josh Kopel