
There are three things you need to have to be a good President: Personality, cajones of steel, and... Fuck, I forgot
Earlier this week, Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry – in one of the most admirable and laudable acts of public and civic service this nation has ever seen –
absolutely ruined his hopes of being elected president. In a GOP debate, Perry was enumerating the three government departments he planned to eliminate when he completely forgot the third department. I mean, there are only fifteen, but he still managed to forget one. Surprisingly enough, though, this is hardly the most self-destructive statement that’s ever been issued by a politician. Here’s a list of some other quotes that shattered the speaker’s future like
Justin Bieber’s Christmas album shatters what pitiful traces of good there once were in the universe.
1803, Thomas Jefferson
“Sally Hemmings? No, she’s just a slave. And while I do consider her an important part of my life, I think it’s a stretch to call her ‘First Lady.’ Then again, ‘3/5 lady’ just doesn’t have the same ring.”
1822, James Monroe
“Why yes, I do believe this period can be aptly described as an ‘Era of Good Feelings.’ But when it comes down to it, no good feelings will ever compare to those I experienced during the blumpkin I received last night.”
1848, Elizabeth Cady Stanton (at the Seneca Falls Convention)
“I can in no way deny that this is not the ideal venue for an event of this magnitude. I would’ve looked for a better location, but I was too busy gargling scrotum.”

I just hope they stick that asshole Pickett with an actor like Jeff Daniels
1863, Robert E. Lee (after the Battle of Gettysburg)
“It is my dream that, in one or two hundred years, my actions over the past few days will be portrayed by the ever-mediocre acting skills of Martin Sheen.”
1865, Abraham Lincoln
“Hairspray is sold out?! Drats. In that case, two tickets for My American Cousin.”
1884, Mark Twain
“Hmm. The story of a daring young man travelling down a river with a slave. It’s good, I feel like it just lacks something…aha, I’ve got it! I’ll just throw the n-word in there 215 times!”
1897, William McKinley
“Monocles are in style, right?”
1908, Sacco (to Vanzetti)
“How do you feel about moving to America? I hear there’s a lot of opportunity over there.”
1925, John Scopes
“I’m in Tennessee. Why would I need to teach creationism?”

This cockpit's a little cozy for the two of us.
1934, Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, polio. Polio is probably worth some mild trepidation.”
1945, American Military
“We need something that just screams ‘We’re going to bomb you back to the stone age.’ Ooh, I’ve got it! Name it something vaguely questionable but blatantly hilarious. Something like…Enola Gay!”
1961, John F. Kennedy
“We should invade Cuba.”
1969, Neil Armstrong
“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for the likelihood of me winding up on the Ohio state quarter.”
1975, Richard Nixon
“Okay fine, so I’m a fucking crook.”

While we're at it, do you think you could sell some of these weapons lying around for some extra beer money?
1983, Ronald Reagan
“They would be satellites that defend us from nuclear missiles. Why are you all giving me that look?”
1992, Ross Perot
“I hereby announce that I am running for president in 1992.”
1998, Bill Clinton
“A handjob? Really? We both know you can do better than that.”
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Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names
27 DecEvery year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads. They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied. So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching. Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:
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Tags: A Bowl Game, Advocare V100 Bowl, Ames, Animal Kingdom, Arizona, Arkansas State, Bad Bowl Names, Ball State, Boise, Boise State, bong, Boston College, bowl games, Bowl Schedule, Bowl Season, Busch Light, Chicago Bears, college, college football, Commentators, Corporate Sponsors, Domain hosting, English, euphemism, football, Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl, Gamecocks, genitalia, Glory, GoDaddy Bowl, GoDaddy.com, Hotel chain, Iowa, Kansas City, Kathmandu, Make-A-Wish Foundation, Matchups, Meal Plan, Minnesota, Mountaineering, National Championship Game, Nepal, New Era, New Era Pinstripe Bowl, New Jersey, Northwestern, Notre Dame, Oregon State, Pinstripe Bowl, Pit Stop, Plank of wood, Pre-marital sex, Richard Nixon, road trip, Run Defense, Rutgers, Saturn, season, Sheraton, Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, South Carolina, Sponsors, state, State university, Syracuse, Texas Bowl, The Destroyer, The Road Trip Pit Stop Bowl, University, World War II veteran, Yankee Stadium, Your Grandpa's Favorite Bowl