An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation:

Norris Begins Planning Half-Birthday

Surprisingly, this is not a still-frame from a movie about a dystopian society.

EVANSTON – Administrators at Northwestern University’s Norris Student Center announced this morning that they are officially making plans for an extravagant week-long celebration of the building’s half-birthday this summer.

Norris Executive Director Kelly Schaefer expressed the importance of the celebration.

“You know, some people don’t think half-birthdays are worth celebrating,” said Schaefer.  “But, like, come on!  Those people just don’t know how to have fun.  They’re probably the same people who think that Norris doesn’t need a game room.”

New Theme Restaurant to Open in Plex

Interrogation Rooms designed to feel just like EPD HQ.

EVANSTON — In response to revenue losses from the opening of Rick Bayless’ Frontera Fresco in the Norris University Center, Northwestern University food services, nuCuisine, will be opening a specialty restaurant inside Foster-Walker Complex.  The new restaurant, named “Third Degree,” is inspired by intense police dramas and will specialize in hard-boiled foods.  The Theme Restaurant is set to open by the end of January shortly after students return for winter quarter.

A Super Serious Restaurant Review of Frontera Fresco for Super Serious People

Does this count as a multicultural credit?

Frontera Fresco is the worst creperie cum Jamba Juice cum sushi hut cum Sbarro I have ever patronized. Let’s enjoy that imagery for a moment.

Anyway. Frontera Fresco is a new restaurant. In Norris Center. Owned by Chicago chef Rick Bayless. It serves “quick-service” (more on that later) Mexican food (also more on that later). To college students. And, presumably, the Norris cat lady. Here are some quick key facts that must be understood in order to appreciate the impact of Frontera Fresco on the Northwestern dining scene and community at large.

New Chipotle Opens in Student Center

EVANSTON – Students and employees of Northwestern University enthusiastically welcomed the opening of a Chipotle Mexican Grill franchise in the Norris Student Center this morning.

“The addition of a reasonably priced, popular Mexican restaurant – which I assume is just a fucking Chipotle – adds another dimension to the Norris experience,” explained Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro.