Herds of Wild Buffalo Seen Roaming Evanston Searching for Parties

A herd of buffalo, searching desperately for 831 Hamlin

Evanston, IL – Sources reported on Sunday night that multiple packs of wild buffalo were seen meandering through the city in search of what they called “the party.”  There were at least four different herds sighted, one herd as far north as Noyes Street and another as far west as Ridge Avenue.

“I was just sitting outside, sipping on a brew and trying to lay down my game on some floozie, when all these fuckin’ buffalo just, like, stampeded down the street,” explained a witness from the porch of a Sigma Phi Epsilon off-campus house.  “We were all just, like, ‘Damn.  I bet I could totally get with some of those bitches.'”

A female buffalo weeping in Philbrick Park, shortly after making a sixteen-minute phone call to her high school boyfriend.

Evanston Chief of Police Richard Eddington issued a formal statement late last night. “A member of our police force sighted a herd of buffalo this evening while issuing half a dozen parking tickets on Orrington Avenue.  He confirms that the herd was non-violent but appeared to be relatively intoxicated.  We have no intent to harm the herd, but we plan to redirect them to a less hostile environment, most likely Hobart House.  Unfortunately, we are uncertain of the number of herds presently roaming the city; their similar plaid shirts and short dresses make them almost indistinguishable.”

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl had no comment on the incident, only asking the police force to prevent the herds from coalescing at The Keg of Evanston, and further asking that any especially intoxicated buffalo be summarily tranquilized and butchered.

Where to Find Your NU Love

With any luck, one day you'll make a heinous rock all of your own.

If you’re like me, a socially awkward alcoholic, you haven’t found your NU love yet. This is probably because the venues you most often frequent have three Greek letters in their names and smell vaguely like Four Loko and urine. Haven’t found any keepers while projectile vomming in the Beta Kappa handicap stall? Keep looking, young freshmen. Take my hand on the magical road of dating: from the painful first encounters and sloppy make outs to the time your suitor hangs your bra on your locker after you left it in his car. Oh wait, this isn’t high school anymore.

It’s time to look for some more obscure places to find your future lover and/or tonsil-hockey teammate. Here’s where to start.

1. A Swanky Restaurant
I suggest Bistro Bordeaux on Church St. Nothing can ever go wrong with a good French meal. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Bristol, I need to find a future lover before I can go to a swanky restaurant. Wrong! Go alone, but inform your waiter that someone else is joining you. Wear a red rose. Pray to God that someone mistakes you for their exponentially-cuter-than-you-looked-online blind date. If no one shows up, cry to your waiter about being stood up. Pray to God the waiter feels sympathetic/gives you their number/accompanies you back to your sex lair for the night.

Too forward for you? Work your way in slowly then. (That’s what she said.)

Yes, I'd like an overnight package please.

2. The Post Office
Guaranteed to generate the best pickup lines:
“Wanna be my priority male?” (Punny, right?)
“I’m here to pick up my package.” [Cast eyes down to genitalia]. (Classic.)
“If you liked it then you should’ve put a stamp on it.” (Because Beyoncé is a goddess.)

3. Dark Parking Garages
Ever feel uncomfortable introducing yourself to a girl in a bar? Wait until she’s walking back alone to her car! Explain that you saw her walking in a dark parking garage that may or may not be chock full of rapists or flesh-eating Republicans and decided to walk with her to protect her from said travesties. At first, she’ll probably pepper spray you, SING at you (solar plexus, instep, nose, groin),* or force you to watch a video of Michelle Bachmann eating a corn dog. But as soon as she realizes you’re just a creepy motherfucker with good intentions, she might just give you the seven-digit password to her pants.

Trolling for some bitches

4. Dog Shows
It works, believe me. It’s like a Cincinnati Cyclones game on $1 beer Wednesday nights, but with wine and trust-fund dog owners on Sundays at high tea.

Perhaps just as important as the places you should go, are the places you should NOT go.

1. University Place or Ridge Avenue
Unless you want to fall in love with a punk in a hoodie who steals your smartphone.

2. The Showers at SPAC
Unless you’re into watching/performing/assisting in self-gratification. Then balls-to-the-walls, young harlots!

3. The Sauna at SPAC
You are not into naked old Jewish women who look like sweaty beached whales. So don’t go in the sauna for love. In fact, don’t go into the sauna at all.

4. Find your NU love/ Flirting for Nerds
I attended both the speed dating event “Find your NU Love” and the seminar “Flirting for Nerds,” more out of irony than desperation. I did not find my NU love, nor did I learn how to flirt anymore heinously than I already do. So unless you want to wince every few minutes when the girl knitting a pair of Eskimo slippers snorts loudly, avoid NU dating events.

You know where to go. Now go and get ‘em, you sexually frustrated bastards.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Miss Congeniality