2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

Roger Ebert Awards Heaven 3 1/2 Stars

Ebert, announcing his upcoming show “Ebert Presents: At the Afterlife”

PEARLY GATES — Immediately upon ascending to heaven following his death at the age of 70, esteemed film critic Roger Ebert issued a review of the afterlife, awarding metaphysical transcendence from the earthly realm 3 and a half out of four stars.

Ebert, one of the nation’s most prominent and influential reviewers of film for over 40 years, praised heaven in his nationally syndicated Chicago Sun-Times review as a “divine paradise” that “was of the utmost quality and well-suited for its prospective audience. I would highly recommend spiritual nirvana to any potential heaven-goer considering stopping in for a good time.”