Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing

Roommate Swears to Have Smoked with Chance The Rapper One Time

(via MTV)

EVANSTON, Il. – On Thursday night, shortly after Mayfest organizers announced that Chance The Rapper would be the daytime headliner at Dillo Day, your roommate excitedly declared that he met Chance at a party last summer. According to your roommate, the party was hosted by his high school buddy’s second-cousin at an apartment in the Southside of Chicago in late July.

Your roommate claims to have recognized the 20 year-old rapper immediately because he had been a fan of him “forever,” even before the release of his first mixtape, #10Day. Furthermore, your roommate “swears to fucking god” that he smoked a massive blunt with him outside and listened to him free-style rap.

When asked for comment, your roommate giddily recounted his life-defining experience:

Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with

Ermahgerd Recruitment: Your guide to translating and understanding Sorority Rush

Diversity!

Sorority recruitment is very chaotic. Sometimes it’s difficult to see clearly through the thick pink cloud of estrogen, and it can be hard to hear over the dull roar of WHAT’S YOUR WINTER BREAK WHAT DORM PWILD TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BOBB WHAT CLASSES HAVE NEW TRIER WHERE DO YOU ROOMMATE MY VALUES INCLUDE THE BAY AREA.

So that’s why I’ve got your back. Shit usually goes down something like this:

An RA-Resident Text Conversation from Residential Services’ Hell

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

The Strangely Articulate Inner Monologue of My Drunk Roommate

Oh my, I seem to be rather intoxicated. I don’t recall this hallway being so long—or quite so blurry. My journey back from that delightful fraternity gathering was a trying one, indeed! Ah well, here we are at my dormitory. Room 204. Splendid. Now if I could just fit the key into the lock…hm, how peculiar my fine motor skills seem to be failing me at this moment in time. I suppose that 9^th Jolly Rancher shot was not one of my brightest ideas! Ha! Ha! Wait…I think I hear my lovely roommate coming to my assistance. I should probably immediately notify her of my current state of intoxication!

Sexile: A Poem

I hiked in the cold to my building from Tech
I finally finished my long-as-hell trek.
I climbed tons of stairs way up to the fifth floor
And to my surprise a tie hung on my door.

“Oh, shitfuck!” I heard myself angrily speak.
My roommate did this almost three times a week!
And worse still the walls were indeed paper-thin,
So I could hear all of the loud, clapping skin!

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Your Potential Roommate

Hello, incoming member of the class of 2017. How are you? Nervous? Why? Oh! You’re filling out your roommate application, and you’re worried because you have no idea who your roommate, the person who you will see possibly more than any other person next year, will be, or what he/she will be like. You are frightened, hesitant, and confused.

Well, I am here to assure that you should definitely be all of those things. The roommate application is an extremely big deal. The quality of your roommate, your sleeping area comrade, your bedroom buddy, could single-handedly make or break your freshman year, and determine whether that active aggression turns into passive aggression. Let me put it another way: Imagine you are on a game show, and you have to choose to open one of two doors. Behind one door is a normal person. Behind the other door is a large, cross-eyed ogre who will rip your fingernails out, one by one. That is what choosing your roommate is like.

I was actually one of the fortunate ones on this account. Few know it, but my freshman year roommate was in fact the distinguished and (dis)honorable Alabaster Chevrolet. It’s true. We formed a bond almost instantly, and shared many memorable moments: From the time when Alabaster slept for three days straight, to the time we found and killed a small raccoon that had broken in through our window, to the time when we gave each other tuggies after I learned my hamster died.

Update: Roommate and Her Boyfriend Still Perfect Together

In fact, they’re having sex right now.

With what has clearly been a practical joke played on you by Residential Services, your continually mopey roommate is still together with her equally mopey and regularly stoned boyfriend.  The horrendously cold weather has thrust them somehow even closer together, and you’re stuck right there with them thus ensuring your slow human decay into something they will invariably cuddle on.