US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

5 Things To Do Before October Ends

October has always been my favorite month of the year.  Maybe it’s the colors changing, maybe it’s the football season – hell, maybe it’s even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor’s pets.  But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities – school, work, animal sacrifice – that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us.  Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.

This should go over real well at temple.

5.  Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service

It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one.  This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume.  For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome “Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh” costume, you might think you’re awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope.  And we’ve ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you’re the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.

4.  Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin

Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced.  There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins – either by ruining other people’s pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins.  Now, some of you may ask, “Does it have to be pornography?” and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue:  Yes, it always has to be pornography.

Alternatively, you could drop acid and DESIGN a corn maze.

3.  Drop acid in a corn maze

We’ve all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson.  Actually, not all of us have seen it.  Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit.  But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary.  And if they’re scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you’ve suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.

2.  Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte

Okay, seriously, this is important.  Starbuck’s is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that.  So here’s what you do.  Walk into a Starbuck’s with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck’s counter – Jewel will do.  Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink.  When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING.  There’s a high probability you’ll suffer second-degree burns, but it’s a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.

1.  Bang Jennifer Lawrence

Admittedly, this doesn’t necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I’m all about setting goals and deadlines.  And since you’re apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.  

OOOOOHHH MMMMYYYYY GGGGGOOOODDDDDDD

Like, seriously, what a piece of ass.  I’d sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means.  I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she’ll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire.  Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot.  And I want to make penis toward her.  

Happy October, everybody!

The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.